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Last update: 2013-05-31

545 Black Lungs

2013-05-31 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Cigarettes are not addictive. Tell that to you mother who is recovering from nose reconstruction surgery and needs a cigarette so bad that she tapes her glasses to her forehead and drives her car to the farthest 7-11 she can find so that she can pick up a pack of cigarettes without any of the regulars at the store seeing her with raccoon eyes.…

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544 MILF Mobile

2013-05-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Just as Batman has a Batmobile, MILF's need to have a MILF mobile. The only problem is that MILF mobile has to go when the kids come along...unless you have a few hot au pairs that drive your kids around in the Range Rover with the car seats while you head down to West Hollywood in your convertible. All this happens while the wife is at work...of course.…

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543 Cubed Steak

2013-05-19 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 22s

It might be worth it to go to a restaurant you're not terribly fond of to each cubed meats and vegetables if you were able to grill your wife's friend about her sex life when she was married to a Gay man. Hell, it might even be worth paying for the whole dinner. Suddenly, iceberg lettuce with strange orange salad dressing got a whole lot more interesting.…

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542 Booters

2013-05-14 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 18s

If you want to take your baby to Hooters to celebrate Mother's Day just because they have $10 off Mom's meal when you bring your children...that's on you. It's probably safe to say that the church ladies in the mall parking lot with Grandma, the Mom and the 4 month old baby probably don't care that they can save $10 when the scantily clad girls in underwear and tank tops serve them sliders with blue cheese. You'll probably get what you deserve for that transgression anyway.…

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541 Leave Connecticut Alone

2013-05-07 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

It's important to be a good role model for our kids and to help our community. When someone needs a helping hand, it's an opportunity to set a good example by doing whatever you can to reach out and help. It's in that spirit that we're gathering friends and family together to help us send 100 cases of Clorox Urine Cleaner to Connecticut to help clean up the hundreds of jugs of urine that the State doesn't know what to do with.…

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540 Football Pot Pie

2013-04-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

There's nothing like some comfort food to make you feel all warm and happy inside. Fresh out of the oven chocolate cookies, a steaming plate of homemade macaroni and cheese or a piping hot chicken pot pie. It seems almost impossible to screw that up, unless you decided to use the generic, dented can of vegetables with botulism oozing out, topped it off with a cup of black pepper, and then served it all wrapped up in a frozen Pillsbury croissant the size of a football. Delicious.…

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539 Bring a Flashlight

2013-04-24 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Everyone has price. So what if you have to walk around on a disabled cruise ship for a week with feces up to your ankles and no chance of getting soft-serve ice cream 'round the clock for the entire week. Throw in a good, heavy period with no tampons or pads, so that you have to walk around wearing a red bag like a diaper all week. Give me two or three free cruises plus $500 and we'll call it even. But...I am going to need a balcony upgrade.…

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538 It's Official

2013-04-21 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

When living without sleep becomes a way of life you get used to. When you can get up 5 times in the middle of the night and learn how to go right back to sleep. When you can run the gauntlet of children's toys in the middle of the living room without twisting an ankle. And, when you can start to imagine your wife as the hot au pair sleeping next to you in the bed at night...that's when you realize it's official. The tiny little baby you brought home 7 months ago is now officially your legally adopted son. Life is good.…

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537 Super Wife

2013-03-06 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 17s

A Super Wife is not your ordinary wife. This is one that still takes you out for a romantic Valentine's Day affair, even after 14 years. She's the one that takes you to that special restaurant at the strip mall where you play a sexy game of "spot the Dyke"...just like when you first met. Next time, Ladies, don't make it so easy by putting a "Yes I Am" license plate frame on your car.…

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536 Odd Year

2013-02-13 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

Four more states that now allow Gay marriage, the first out Lesbian Senator, a President of the United States acknowledges Gay history for the very first time, and we have two challenges headed to the Supreme Court regarding DOMA and Gay marriage. A couple of months in, and 2013 is already a great year. Of course, Ethan won't be happy until his moms can be legally married in every state in the US...and he is going to let everyone know that he is not happy until that happens.…

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535 Pencil Lips

2013-02-10 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

Groupon is great for a lot of things. You can get great discounts on a dinner for two, a relaxing massage or a fishing trip with friends. What you never want to buy on Groupon is the offer to buy one plastic surgery and get one free...unless you want to have two soup bowls implanted in your butt cheeks. Sexy.…

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534 The In Crowd

2013-01-31 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

If you walked up to a straight woman with a baby before you had a baby of your own, you would just be seen as a creepy Dyke trying to hit on a straight woman. Once you have a baby of your own, however, all the tables turn. Now you're a thoughtful mother who is interested in swapping baby secrets with someone else from the in-crowd...even if you spend the entire time staring at her cleavage.…

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533 More Reasons

2013-01-27 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

These days it's just too dangerous to play the lottery and win. Friends and family drain your bank account, a new girlfriend moves in and suddenly you end up missing, or they find your dead body in a lake a few days after you collect your big check. It's much easier to get ripped off and lose all your money the old fashioned way. Let the tweaker move in, let her slowly drain all your bank accounts and max out your credit cards until you don't have anything left. Once she's done she simply moves on to the whore she's been already been sleeping on the side. At least she's not slipping cyanide in your drink.…

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532 Joiners

2013-01-23 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

The best way to further the acceptance of Gay people in society is simply to be yourself and show people that you're a regular human being just like they are. The more people that know Gay people, the more people will realize being Gay is perfectly normal. Or, you can use the Roxanne method - next time you're in a group of straight people, make sure you put up your guard, decide that they are nasty, uptight human beings before you know anything about them, and then imitate their voice and make fun of their children that you don't even know. That's sure to further the cause of Gay people all over the world.…

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531 Whatevs

2013-01-20 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Any good parent wants to make sure that their kid has a positive childhood filled with lots of interesting experiences that they'll remember for the rest of their life. You want to enrich them with educational outings and fun-filled family trips. As you're thinking about where you might go and what you might do with your child, for most parents that might not include a visit to a Hookah bar or teaching them how to light things on fire so that you have a 20-foot bonfire.…

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530 Elmo

2013-01-16 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Straight people have ruined Sesame Street for everyone. Our son's best friend used to be Elmo, but now we have to find him another favorite toy because Elmo turned out to be a pedophile. Cookie Monster promotes childhood obesity, so that's out. Oscar the Grouch is rude and promotes bad manners. Big Bird may actually be the saving grace of Sesame Street, however. If Mit Romney hates Big Bird, then BB is my friend!…

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529 Topless Maid Service

2012-12-02 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Somehow the quality of the cleaning job no longer seems to matter once the topless maid service comes over to do a cleaning. You no longer care about the fact that the cobwebs are still hanging from the ceiling, the toilet doesn't look like it's been cleaned in months and the kitchen floor looks like it's been scrubbed with a napkin. Then you realize that they sent over the topless grandma with her pancake tits down to her knees. Now you'll pay extra just so that she doesn't clean topless.…

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528 Two Tits Up

2012-11-25 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 20s

Gone are the days when you'd meet someone at a bar, have a few beers and take them home. Now the dating world mostly happens online through dating web sites. That seems like a good way to meet someone until you realize that they're missing a very important check box for the Lesbian profile -- "will U-Haul on the second date". Check.…

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527 Retro Bush

2012-11-14 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

It's important for businesses to market their products directly to the target audience to help increase sales and to become profitable. Take the Wet Lube company for example, they donate free trash cans at Pride events all over the country and also hand out free samples. Now that we have Viagra, however, Wet may be missing a key market segment. It's time to start putting the Wet trash cans at senior retirement communities all over the country now that old people are having sex again. Wear a condom.…

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526 Twelve Cycles Minimum

2012-11-11 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Congratulations to all the states that have now legalized Gay Marriage. As you bask in the euphoria of this incredible decision it's imperative that we reiterate our warning to all the young Gay couples...especially the overzealous Lesbians. Just because you are allowed to marry, doesn't mean you have to. I know you met her last week and she's the love of your life. Before you say "I do", make sure you've lived through a minimum of twelve menstrual cycles with her...and that's only before you move in together.…

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525 The Halloween That Almost Wasn't

2012-11-04 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

Halloween is the best holiday ever. On what other day can you walk an attractive cop into your house, wearing a smokin' hot, sexy uniform with a super-short skirt, in front of your wife and into your office, where you have a pull-out futon matress...and nobody even thinks twice about it?…

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524 Global Warming

2012-10-31 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

The truth is finally out about global warming. After all the talk about what's causing global warming, we realize it's not really about car emissions, cutting down the rain forest, or the fact that you refuse to recycle your plastic bottles. The real cause of global warming is all the lazy new Lesbian moms and Gay dads stuffing disposable diapers into landfills all across the country because they don't feel like cleaning out dozens of cloth diapers filled with smelly feces and urine every day.…

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523 Support Hoes

2012-10-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 19s

Now that the Lesbians have adopted the cute baby that you don't have to lie about and say, "what soft skin your baby has", or "he has such a pretty eye"...the straight couples are now going to have to choose from the ugly babies that are left. The good news is that the baby with the beer belly and the buck teeth is still available for adoption.…

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522 Conjoined

2012-10-14 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

So many questions, so little time. But, if there was just one question that absolutely had to be answered, it's this one. If one of the conjoined twins is straight and the other one is Gay, who gets to use the genitals when they're out on a double date? This is not about being politically correct. These are real problems that real people have.…

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521 New Addition

2012-09-30 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 17s

We have a new addition to the pack. It's not a gerbil, it's not a puppy, it's not a cat and it's not a baby chimpanzee. The new pack member comes with lots of cool new things to buy, magazines to subscribe to and endless fun for the relatives that can simply walk away when dirty diapers need changing. We may not be sleeping, but we couldn't be happier.…

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520 Back Wax

2012-09-09 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

All straight men should be required to get a back wax at least once in their life. It's not because they need it and it's not necessarily because back hair is gross. It's more for the amusement of Lesbians and their friends. We're just freaky that way...and we like to watch.…

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519 Zombie Beach Party

2012-09-06 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Which Lesbian has street smarts? When the zombie dripping with blood comes up to your tent on the beach and tries to get in to eat your brains, is it the Lesbian that tells the zombie to beat it and then goes rights back to sleep? Or, is it the Lesbian that decides she has a 50-50 chance if she jumps out of the tent, runs down the beach and leaves her friend to fend for herself? After all, the zombie can only eat one person at a time.…

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518 Gayborhood Watch

2012-09-03 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

Neighborhood watch doesn't mean that you get together with a few neighbors for a few beers every night and check out all the cute girls and guys in the neighborhood. It also doesn't mean that you stay in the house and peek through the blinds when you hear something strange going on outside. What it does mean is that once trouble starts, you go get the Postal Service Lesbian down the street that can hold her little dog in one hand and kick the crap out of any perp that comes into the neighborhood with the other.…

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517 Five Fifteen

2012-08-26 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

It's hard to believe how far technology has advanced, especially in the last few years. Despite all that forward movement, there is still one thing you can count on to stay exactly the same. If you need to mail something at the post office, you may as well hop in your car and drive across town to deliver it yourself. If the package has to go across the country, you may as well just hop on a plane and take it with you. The cost of the parking ticket, the time you'll spend waiting in line, and the years it takes off your life from the aggravation are all lower prices to pay than having to actually go into a post office to do your business. Not to mention that your hair is not getting any less gray.…

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516 Smile

2012-08-22 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 17s

Roxanne is going straight to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Virginia is going with her as an accomplice. There really isn't anything more to say. At least we now know that hell is located in Van Nuys, California. They might have a cafeteria, or they might have a buffet. Nobody is really sure.…

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515 Brazil Wins

2012-08-19 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

We may still be pissed that Womens' Softball is no longer part of the Olympics and that some American dykes were forced to wear a skirt in the Opening Ceremonies, but at least most countries kept to the tradition of wearing skimpy bikinis for Beach Volleyball. Having Brazil host the next summer Olympics is not too bad either. Start stocking up on the razors and Nair now.…

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514 Do The Dog

2012-08-12 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Everyone likes to have good neighbors that they can rely on when you need a little help. Someone to borrow a cup of sugar from, someone to help cut down tree branches, or just someone to chit chat with while you're out walking the dog in the neighborhood. But, when being a good neighbor means stroking your dog's dick...in some cultures that may be considered crossing a line.…

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513 Visitors

2012-08-01 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

It's always nice to have visitors come over and stay for a while...until they start camping out at your house, eating all your food, bugging you to drive them everywhere and practically start moving in. It's times like these that you start to yearn for the good 'ol days when visitors came to you in the middle of the night, they gave you a quick anal probe and then hopped back on their ship in a beam of light never to be seen or heard from again.…

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512 Hot Coals

2012-07-29 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 17s

Your mother brought you up to have good common sense. No matter how much fun someone tells you it will be, and how much it will change your life, you would never walk across burning hot coals in just your bare feet. Of course not. You would, however, do a bungee jump dangling from a rickety crane in a parking lot in Mexico after a few shots of tequila.…

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511 Hetero Mating Rituals

2012-07-19 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

There should be a general moratorium on when during the year people are allowed to move. During the winter when it's icy and snowing, or when it's the rainy season and wet all the time, those periods of time are off limits for moving. This is simply a public service for all the people that have to come out in inclement weather to help you move...with their high hopes of being able to "stick it in" one day by being a good friend helping you move.…

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510 Second Best

2012-07-11 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

You should always strive to your best in everything you do. It's important to give it your all and really put your heart into it to be the best you can be. Once you've blown your wad and put forth your very best effort, even if you didn't come in first you can still feel good about it...until someone tells you that you're second best...out of two.…

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509 Grocery Store Grenade

2012-07-08 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

It's not a neuroses, it's a strategy. When you go to the grocery store you have to know how to size up the different checkout lines. You have to be a able to quickly decide which line will move the fastest, which one has the cashier with the most nimble hands, who knows the code for Belgian Endive without looking it up, and which line has the grenade that will pull out 100 coupons and pay in pennies. It may look neurotic to the uneducated... when really it's a finely honed skill that takes years of practice.…

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508 Not Right

2012-07-04 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

New trends tend to spring up overnight. Most people are fickle, and they don't stick with any one thing for too long before they start looking for something new and exciting. The one trend you don't want to hear about, however, is that people are starting to eat other people. Can't we just go back to simpler times when the latest trends were hoola-hoops, Squirmles and French Star jeans?…

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507 Koka Kola

2012-07-01 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

If you really want to fight obesity in America, and you're really serious about it, the answer is not to force stores to sell carbonated drinks under 16 ounces in size. The answer is first to shut down all the McDonald's in America, secondly to stop the Little Caesar's two for one pizza deal, and the third is to replace all the Coke and Pepsi on store shelves with look-alike cola that tastes like crap. That will cause all American's to stop drinking soda altogether. It's not a consipiracy...it's a well thought out plan by the government.…

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506 Violation

2012-06-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

The Glendale police department are out wasting their time giving tickets to cyclists who are just out enjoying a peaceful bike ride while blowing through stop signs. What they should really be doing is something that will keep the streets safe for everyone. How about giving out moving violations to cyclists that really shouldn't be wearing spandex at all. $350 for the spandex muffin top. $500 for wearing the white spandex shorts.…

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505 Saint Roxanne

2012-06-25 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Some friends are just your party friends, others are your movie and dinner girlfriends, and still others are just your regular hanging out type of friends. Then there are those friends that you can really count on. Not just the ones that will be there if you need a shoulder to cry on, but instead the type of friends that will not only wipe your vagina, but those that will change a tampon for you. Not just any tampon...but an honest to goodness O.B. without the applicator.…

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504 Whodunnit

2012-06-14 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Just because the neighbor pretends to be a straight lady living quietly with her husband next door, doesn't mean she doesn't secretly fantasize about going down on your wife. Maybe she lays in bed at night creating elaborate fantasies about how she passive aggressively allows her dog to crap on your lawn so that you'll come out of the house all hot and bothered to yell at her. She'll try to make it up to you by inviting you over to her house for a massage and some girl talk...all before she pulls a John Travolta on you.…

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503 Glory Hole

2012-06-10 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

It's great to be a guy. Whenever you need a little pleasure you can just go to the local public restroom, find a glory hole and stick it right in. Never mind that you don't know who is on the other end, if they have tongue herpes, no teeth, a sharp object or other incurable diseases. You always run the risk of leaving without a body part, but at the end of the day...it's all worth it.…

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502 Mouth to Snout

2012-06-06 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

These days there are so many ways to pick up women. You can browse the personal ads, go on match.com or even do it the old fashioned way by picking up some drunk chick at a bar. Why would you even think about tossing some chicken bones down on the ground in front of some lady walking her dog just so you can save her dog and be her hero by giving her dog mouth to snout resuscitation? It just seems like so much more work than is really necessary.…

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501 Triple Bypass

2012-06-03 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Welcome to America, where fat is now the new thin. We'll take our burgers with a triple stack of meat, ten slices of cheese and fourteen pieces of bacon. If it doesn't have saturated fat pouring out of every crevice, why would we eat it? We don't care if every meal we go out to eat has enough calories to live off for the next two weeks...as long as a hot girl comes out in really tiny shorts and big boobs to serve it to us.…

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500 Historic Moments

2012-05-30 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

For the first time in history an American president comes out in support of Gay marriage publicly. More proof that the Aztecs might have been right after all...the world might really just end on December 21st of 2012. Only one thing to do now...party like it's 1999. Game on.…

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499 Friendlier Skies

2012-05-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

Unfortunately for many actresses, the retirement age for porn stars tends to be very young. The good news is that the airline industry is happy to do their part in giving these talented young ladies a chance for another career. To find out if your flight attendant is a video porn star or just a telephone sex operator, all you need to do is to look at her boobs. If her boobs are big - TV...if they're small - phone sex operator.…

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498 Double D

2012-05-13 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

There are really only two ways that a tampon can end up on the sidewalk. One is that some dirty pig decided she needed to change her tampon right now and she did it in her car and flung it out the window. The other is that the Gay men that just moved into the neighborhood wanted to sabotage the "dirty dykes" that live next door so that they would have to move away in shame. Then they would be able to have their Gay male friends move into the neighborhood instead of the Dykes.…

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497 Tanorexic

2012-05-09 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

It's been a long time since Crayola packed a Burnt Umber crayon inside one of their boxes. In fact, it's been so long that some people have gotten quite nostalgic about this beautiful shade of crayon and have decided to do something about it personally. One thoughtful New Jersey mom decided to take herself beyond a nice pleasing bronze color and go all the way to burnt umber without passing "go". She liked it so much that she also decided to take her red-headed 5-year old daughter with her. Model mom award of 2012 goes to....…

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496 Stoned

2012-05-06 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 21s

On a scale of painful things, first there are menstrual cramps. Cramps can cause a great deal of discomfort all the way to outright screaming pain. Then there's childbirth. Natural childbirth can really hurt....a lot. Then there's the kind of pain that a scale hasn't been developed for yet. Childbirth through a penis really f*cking hurts.…

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495 Coyote Ugly

2012-04-25 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

Heading up to the lake for a vacation can be a very rejuvenating experience. Lots of fresh air, beautiful wooded forests and the opportunity to become one with nature. That's all fine and well until you realize the woods are jam-packed with coyotes, bears and other vermin set to carry off your pets for lunch. Next time it might be more relaxing to just stay in the city with the muggers, the dope fiends and the crazed lunatics.…

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494 Dogaphile

2012-04-22 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

As it turns out...the extremist right-wing was correct after all. First we allow Gay marriage, which then lead to all other kinds of abhorrent and deviant behavior. Now the Lesbians are obsessed with dogs' buttholes. They follow dogs around and stare at their butts, they study how enlarged the sphincter is at any given time, and even how often the dog takes a crap. Clearly, they've taken this way too far and now the situation is completely out of control.…

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493 Taking Our Sh#t Back

2012-04-12 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

For the straight ladies...you can keep the baseball hats with the ponytail through the back, you can keep the comfy boxer shorts to kick around in and look sexy, and you can keep pretending to enjoy kissing Lesbians. For the straight men...you can keep the goatees, you can keep the Doc Marten's, and you can keep shaving your nutsack. When it comes to the rainbows, however...that's when we have to put our foot down. Just pick a freaking color. You can't have them all.…

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492 Dessert Triathlon

2012-04-09 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Getting a piece of dessert really shouldn't be so hard to do. If you have to run a marathon, knock people over and hunt it down like prey in a forest, you really are burning too many calories just to eat a piece of cake. After all, dessert really should put on more pounds than you take off trying to enjoy it.…

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491 Inner Gay Male

2012-04-04 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

It used to be that we lived in a nice quiet neighborhood, but now I realize that we actually live in a barnyard. The hens in the neighborhood walk around all day cackling and gossiping about everyone else's business in the neighborhood. Then there's the Lesbian pigs that live in the corner house where all the grass is dead and they think that dog poop makes good fertilizer to leave all over the lawn. Moo.…

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490 Coming to America

2012-04-01 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 20s

A message to Gill and Jane: I am extending a heartfelt apology for the evening you spent with Roxanne. I apologize for her unbridled vulgarity, her lack of compassion for other human beings, her outright sense of entitlement, and for embarrassing the United States of America and confirming every ugly American stereotype in existence. We sincerely hope that this doesn't affect the relationship between the United States and the wonderful and warm country of the UK.…

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489 High Speed Pursuit

2012-03-25 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to to get something you really want. Once you've set you sights on the goal, you just have to go for it. It doesn't matter if you have to pretend to like Axe Body Spray, you have to give not one, but two men boners, and you have to speak four languages. It's all worth it if you achieve your dream in the end.…

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488 Carpet Munchers

2012-03-21 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 18s

It's a well know fact that Lesbians have to change out the carpeting in their homes twice as frequently as Gay men. All that carpet munching really takes a toll on things. The only thing that's changed is that the Lesbians just don't buy their carpeting at Home Depot anymore. Time to sell your stock.…

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487 Lez Be Honest

2012-03-18 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Lez by honest...our pets bring an enormous amount of joy and happiness to our lives every day. We wouldn't be the people we are today without them. They not only enrich our lives, but they also enrich our vocabulary. Tonight for dinner we're having a big bowl of Bordatella with a side of Rabies. For dessert it's two scoops of Parvo with a Giardia sauce drizzled on top.…

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486 Sixty Seconds

2012-03-14 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 18s

Lesbian fishing attire: Baseball hat - check. Thermal base layer under your matching t-shirt - check. Hooded sweatshirt to layer on top - check. Sporty, wraparound sunglasses - check. Stylish waterproof boots - check. Faded pair of comfortable blue jeans - check. Fishing pole with a pink wrapped grip and a matching pink reel - nope. That belongs to the straight chick on the boat.…

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485 Teacher Appreciation

2012-03-11 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Being a cougar is all fun and games until one day you wake up and realize that the 20 year difference between you and your partner is not so cute anymore now that you're 40. She definitely looked hot when you were 25 and she was 45. Now that you're 45 you finally wake up one day and are horrified to think....how did grandma all of a sudden get into bed with you?…

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484 Sweating Lips

2012-02-29 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Nothing spells H.O.T. like a smooth, dreamy waterbed from the 1970's, especially if it has automatic heat controls. Then you think about your parents banging away in their new sleep numbers automatically adjustable bed...and suddenly...it just doesn't seem as hot and sexy anymore.…

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483 Impulse Buy

2012-02-26 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

It doesn't really matter if you did pick up the individually plastic wrapped roses at the local 7-11 and arranged them thoughtfully in a bouquet for your lady for Valentine's Day. Let her just believe that you could not stop thinking about how wonderful she is all day long and that you just wanted to sweep her off her feet and surprise her with the most magnificent bouquet of flowers ever. Why destroy the fantasy by admitting that you simply picked them up like a supermarket rag at the checkout counter on your way out of the store.…

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482 Baby Smith

2012-02-22 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Next time you get one of those scam emails where you've won the lottery from some far off country you've never visited, or you have a long lost relative that left you millions of dollars in currency that you've never heard of before, think about doing the world a public service. Send an email back, without your bank account number of course, and keep them engaged in an endless series of correspondence until they simply give up. This way you can keep them busy and hopefully prevent one more gullible person in the world from giving up their entire life savings.…

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481 Numb and Numb-er

2012-02-19 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

There's nothing wrong with having a little lasering done to clean up some straggler hairs that run down your leg and pop out when you're wearing that sexy bikini. Maybe you even want to clean up that treasure trail a bit before you hit the surf. Just make sure you use an experienced laser technician so that you don't have an industrial accident where the laser hits a lip by mistake. That could be a life-changing incident that happens in less than one second.…

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480 Super Dyke Bowl

2012-02-15 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Countries are at war with each other, people are dying for no good reason, 50% of Americans are now obese, drug use is spiralling out of control, the worst recession this country has had since the Great Depression.... Doesn't God have enough to worry about without having to listen to you pray about making a touchdown? Just let God take a day off and enjoy the Super Bowl like everyone else.…

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479 Miss Pissit

2012-02-12 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Stupid should hurt. Seriously. Perhaps then people would think twice about being morons. Or, maybe Tylenol stock would simply go through the roof as people all over America stockpile as many bottles as they can. Maybe you want to use that insider tip to become the world's next millionaire. Buy low...sell high.…

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478 Meat Glue

2012-02-08 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Becoming a vegan used to seem like so much work. Every meal has to be planned out down to the last detail, you have to shop for groceries on a more regular basis, you have to find exotic recipes to keep meals interesting and you have to interrogate every restaurant server about each dish on the menu just to make sure you can eat it. Nobody wanted to invite you over for dinner because you were such a pain in the ass. Now that we know about meat glue and pink slime...vegan doesn't sound like nearly as much trouble as it used to.…

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477 Grow House

2012-02-05 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

The neighborhood watch is a beautiful thing. Everybody knows about everybody's business, who's beating their wife, where the Lesbians in the neighborhood live, and whose wife is out slutting around. When it comes to stopping real crimes in the neighborhood, however, everyone always knows all the details only after the fact. Once the grow house has run through their series of plantings, supplied all the local dealers multiple times and then moves out...that's when suddenly everyone knows all about it.…

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476 Bieber Fever

2012-01-22 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Thanks to the advent of technology, driving in the car with children for hours on a long trip is a lost art. Gone are the days when the kids would sit in the back seat taunting each other incessantly, poking each other mercilessly and drooling on your sister as Dad threatened to pull the car over on the side of the road. Now the kids simply put on their headphones, turn on the iPod and watch a movie on the DVD player. Where did all the fun go? Slug Bug.…

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475 Native Lesbo

2012-01-18 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

You're eco-sensitive about almost everything in your life. You drink out of a reusable plastic bottle, you recycle everything you can and you even have a composting bin in the backyard. Why not take it one step further and just not wear any underwear. That way you can reduce the amount of laundry you have to do and conserve water at the same time. Lesbians will still find you just as sexy as if you were wearing only a thong.…

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474 Knuckes Deep

2012-01-15 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 18s

Going to the gynecologist is a clinical experience. There is nothing sexual about it in any way. Just because the doctor lubes you up, hunts around obsessively for your G-spot and leaves you all wet and messy on the table by yourself after they're done. Of course, that doesn't mean that you and your lady can't play "gynecologist" in the privacy of your own home. Especially if she's the Dildo Whisperer.…

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473 Nailed It

2012-01-04 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Monogamy is not a bad thing...unless you're having a long-term monogamous relationship with yourself. We're not just talking about a personal time-out, that you're just in between relationships, or even if you're waiting for the right time. It's when you're approaching 50 and have never had sex with anyone but yourself that it's time for a tall bottle of rum and $150. Don't forget the tip.…

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472 Disingenuous

2012-01-01 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

Sooner or later everyone steps in it. Try as we might to maintain our composure in every situation and to always do the right thing, it's going to be unavoidable at some point. May as well get that apology together right now so that you can sound sincere when you really need it. Take a moment now to record your apology in advance, loop it so that it plays over and over again, and then pull it out when you really need to make an apology and you just don't think you can sound sincere. You'll thank us later.…

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471 Mycology

2011-12-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Some people eat mushrooms, some people study mushrooms, some people grow mushrooms, and others simply manage by the mushroom principle -- keep 'em in the dark and feed 'em crap.…

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470 Shoplifting 101

2011-12-21 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

Families that shoplift together stay together, even if it's only staying in jail together. So, next time you're out shoplifting, grab the baby, pick up grandma from the home and get all your cousins to join you. Make sure you start in the meat aisle, grab the most expensive cuts of meat you can find, and stick it all in the baby's diapers. Don't forget to pick up a bottle of Cristal on your way out the door. Happy Holidays.…

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469 Bleed to Win

2011-12-18 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

The average woman has a period 520 times in her lifetime. That assumes 13 cycles per year at 28 days per cycle, and bleeding from ages 12 to 52. If the average woman uses 25 tampons per cycle, that works out to about $8 per cycle, for a total cost of $4,200. Add in the cost of panties that had to be tossed out because of an accident or two for another $1,000. Plus, another $1,200 for Midol. Now we have something practical to rally around in the upcoming election season - a tax break for having to menstruate.…

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468 Responsible Dog Owners

2011-12-14 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Being a responsible dog owner is a big commitment. You have to make sure you feed your pets every day, give them fresh water to drink and a nice cozy place to sleep. You have to keep up on shots and regular vet visits and give your pet plenty of exercise for a nice, fulfilling life. Most importantly, if someone else's dog takes a crap on your front lawn, you have to pick it up and fling it into their yard to help teach them how to become a responsible pet owner, too.…

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467 Food Adventures

2011-12-11 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

Moving beyond hot dogs and french fries can be a scary thing. It takes a big person to get out of their food comfort zone and to try new things. Once you do, however, you realize that the world has a lot of interesting and new foods to offer. You'll also come to realize that there really is a reason people call Lesbian sex, "bumping clams".The first time you open up a steamed clam...you finally understand that it does look kind of like a vagina.…

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466 Lip Room

2011-12-05 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

There are few things more disturbing than thinking about sweaty balls...except perhaps thinking about having sweaty lips. Now that the holidays are upon us, do a friend a solid and find some Clean Balls or Lip Clean. Wrap it up into a sexy little package and make it your special secret gift between you and the one you love this holiday season. The world will be a better place.…

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465 Black Friday

2011-11-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

It's that wonderful time of the year! Time to go shopping with all the crowds at your favorite stores to pick up a butt load of gifts for everyone on your list. Pack up your kids, the taser, the pepper spray, and maybe a knife just for good measure. Head over to Wal-Mart so that you're there as soon as the doors open at midnight. Then just unload a huge cloud of pepper spray across the crowd blocking your way, pick up that X-Box and head to the cash register. After all that hard work, you definitely don't want to get picked up for shoplifting.…

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464 Feels Like the First Time

2011-11-20 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

Your first time with a boy or a girl should be a special moment and it shouldn't be something you rush into or take for granted. You'll want to wait until you're in love and the moment is right for both of you. You'll know when the moment is right, even if the "moment" lasts only 15 seconds...or it feels like having a watermelon between your legs. Don't worry...it gets better.…

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463 Caveman Cooking

2011-11-16 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

In this modern day and age it's almost unbelievable to imagine that people could have actually cooked a meal before the advent of microwave ovens. It's hard to even fathom that people used to really cook on a stove and wait patiently for water to boil. It's a good thing there are still drive thru's or else we'd all die of starvation.…

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462 My Name is Ho

2011-11-13 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

It's important for every Lesbian to have a set of basic standards for dating women. The standards don't have to be high, they just have to meet some minimum basic requirements. She can be a "three" in the looks department as long as she can rock your socks off in between the sheets. But, if she has the personality of a naked mole rat and she stinks like Limburger in bed, it really doesn't matter if she has the only piece of software you need in the universe to finish your term paper. The Ho has got to Go.…

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461 Locker Room Girls

2011-11-09 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

The locker room doesn't have to be a place of fear and trepidation about taking your clothes off around other girls. It doesn't have to be a place that smells like sweaty socks and dirty underwear. And, it certainly doesn't have to be the place of Roxanne's depraved fantasies about hot steamy sex. See what it's all about by visiting the Locker Room Girls at lockerroomgirls.blogspot.com.…

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460 Token Lesbians

2011-11-06 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

It's not just straight people that have lingering questions they want to ask Lesbians. Gay men are also sometimes curious about the things Lesbians say and do. At least they know enough to call the Lesbians on moving day. That way they know they'll have a truck and some big strong Dykes to help move all that heavy antique and designer furniture.…

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459 Dog Jerk

2011-10-30 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Masturbation is a natural thing to do. Most people find it to be a pleasurable activity on their own or even with a partner. Sometimes you just want to rub one out to relieve a little stress or to fall asleep. It's even possible that your dog likes to rub one out once in a while. There's no reason to be disturbed if you see the dog rubbing one out. Just tell Rover to get off the couch when he does it, because nobody likes to sit in the wet spot.…

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458 The Big D

2011-10-27 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

When most Lesbians think of the "Big D" they start thinking about the Big Dyke that lives next door. What they should really be thinking about are the 10 signs that they might be headed for a breakup or divorce. One of the most telling signs for Lesbians that a relationship is on the rocks is when your partner suddenly starts wearing matching bras and panties. We're not talking about the six pairs of white ones you picked up for her at K-Mart on sale last week either.…

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457 Power Walk

2011-10-23 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

E-bay is the panacea for buying anything at all you can think of. It doesn't matter what it is...new or used...shipped from anywhere in the world, you can find it on E-bay. Next time you take the dogs on a walk at 5am and one of them gets hit by a reckless driver in the dark and the fog, you can find the murder chalk you need to draw an outline of the dead body on E-bay. Just search for it.…

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456 Wheel of Homos

2011-10-19 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

Vegas Baby! Classless white people over-eating at buffets and chain smoking cigarettes while they dump quarters into slot machines. It's hard to believe that anyone would want to go...until you visit the pool at the Hard Rock and have to be taken away by ambulance from cardiac arrest due to all the hot chicks in bikinis at the pool. It's possible that I could be one of those white people...…

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455 Spooky Times

2011-10-16 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Things can hardly be any spookier between Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann and the Tea Baggers until you realize it's almost Halloween. Of course, that's a good kind of scary. The kind where all you have a to be scared about is the creepy Lesbians that live on the corner, deck out their house for Halloween and give away full-sized candy bars not only to the kids, but their cute moms as well.…

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454 Buds and Boxes

2011-10-12 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

It's important for everyone on this planet to do their part to protect the environment. Stop drinking water out of plastic bottles and instead drink it out of paper boxes that require trees to be cut down. Put it in a container that's so large that you need to use a glass that then requires hot water that uses fossil fuels to heat up and then detergent that contains phosphates that leak in to our water supply. Let's get serious and do your part, people.…

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453 Gay Day

2011-10-09 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

It's not always so common to see older Gay people out and about, especially in the Lesbian community. That can be a bit confusing to the younger set because we keep wondering what happens to Gay people when they get older? Maybe they're all at some hip club, hanging out all night and meeting interesting new people. As long as the Lesbian dress code continues to include t-shirts, blue jeans and sneakers...we're in.…

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452 First Date

2011-10-05 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

First dates are about getting to know another person. There's no commitment, no obligation and no life-changing decisions that need to be made. It's all about small talk, feeling each other out and figuring out if it's worth having a second date. If that first date turns into more than that, however, it's probably not a good idea to burst out laughing the first time you see his penis.…

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451 One Less Hoarder

2011-10-02 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Spring cleaning is not just for Spring time anymore. When that urge to declutter comes over you just start bagging up your crap and clean out those closets. Then have yourself a big ol' yard sale and make a little extra cash at the same time. You'll have that satisfied feeling of accomplishment...until it dawns on you that you've just participated in enabling all the hoarders in your neighborhood. Now they just moved all your trash over to their house.…

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450 Jumpstart the Economy

2011-09-27 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 26s

With the country on the brink of a major depression, if everyone would just get out and blow their entire life savings on frivolous crap we would be able to turn the economy back around in no time. Times like this can be challenging and everyone might be feeling a bit of extra stress and tension, so why not take care of both problems at once? Go out and spend a ton of cash on a buttload of sex toys, porn and lube. That way you can release a little stress while helping the economy all at the same time.…

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449 Mountain Straight Lady

2011-09-19 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 20s

The Lesbian equivalent of "man cave": the largest room in the house complete with a pool table, a foosball table, skee-ball, a basketball hoop, a 72" wide screen TV for watching football, a beer cooler, 3 neon beer signs and pinup posters of naked women. Nothing could be more perfect...unless the Lesbian Cave came complete with a beer delivery three times a week.…

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448 Cuckoo

2011-09-11 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

There's a reason why wedding seating arrangements are so important, and it's not about putting interesting, fun people together. It's more about separating people that can't stand to be around each other or people that will cause drama when they are together. You have to be sure to separate the groom's former ex, who is also his aunt's ex together at the same table with the ex's current husband and her girlfriend on the side. It gets complicated.…

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447 Dyke-A-Palooza

2011-09-08 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

We have even more proof not only that people in LA don't cook at all, but also that Lesbians will actually come out of the house and travel for miles to go out for a classy meal at the travelling food trucks. Next time the roving food trucks show up in your neighborhood, cancel your subscription to Match.com becauseyou'll be sure to find a date at the food truck Dyke-A-Palooza. Don't look for the Gay men...they'll be dining at a real restaurant.…

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446 Betsy Ross

2011-09-05 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 17s

Before one can come out as a Lesbian, there are certain basic skills that every Lesbian needs to know. The proper identification and use of duct tape is one of those such skills. No self-respecting Lesbian can come out of the closet without knowing the difference between electrical tape and duct tape, and also how to properly apply it to nipples while marching in Gay Pride parades. Removing duct tape from nipples without tearing off an areola is a much more advanced skill.…

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445 To Love and to Cherish

2011-08-24 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

One of the wedding vows that most people completely skip over about is the one where the minister tells you that you've been entrusted with a vagina, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for all the days of your life. That means it's your responsibility to always make sure it's in good working condition, that it's not sagging and that nobody leaves a tampon up there and forgets to take it out. It's a lot of responsibility.…

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444 Tivo Hostage

2011-08-21 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Clipping coupons can be a healthy way to trim your grocery bill and to save a little money during tough times. Nobody minds waiting a few extra minutes at the checkout stand while grandma goes through her purse to find the Jello coupon that saves her 10 cents on a 6-pack of lime flavor. It only becomes a problem when people start clipping coupons as if it's an extreme sport and then show up at your local grocery store with their coupon encyclopedia filled with 10,000 coupons for 75 cases of yellow mustard and then jump in line in front of you.…

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443 West Nile Virus

2011-08-07 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 17s

If necessity is the mother of invention, then why hasn't someone invented a weapon that can kill mosquitos in the middle of the night as they buzz by your ears, bite you everywhere they can find an exposed piece of skin and keep you up to all hours of the morning annoying the crap out of you? I'm not asking for much. Maybe just a bedside flame thrower.…

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442 Full Frontal Ass

2011-08-04 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

We put a lot of trust into our doctors when we go in to have some sort of procedure done in the hospital. Once you're asleep on the table with a crowd of people around, wearing only a hospital gown with a slit all the way up your back, anything can happen. Before the anesthesia kicks in, check around for anything suspicious looking, such as anal lube, a six-pack of condoms or instructions about how to upload videos to YouPorn.…

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441 Bad Ladies

2011-07-31 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Just because more states are starting to allow Gay marriage, it doesn't mean you should just rush right into things. There are more things to consider than just whether or not your new spouse will love you 'til death do us part. Now instead of just tossing your crap out on the front lawn, you have to worry about your new spouse getting mad and chopping off your jewels. Better start sleeping with a steel chastity belt...and make sure it's locked tight.…

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440 Born This Way

2011-07-27 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

It used to be that a slutty young gold digger could just give an old man a good roll in the hay, he would have a heart attack and die immediately after signing away his will to the new 20 year old he just stared banging. Now with Viagra, those old bastards can hang on forever. Now you really have to think about whether or not it's worth it to marry Hugh Hefner just to be come the heir to the Playboy fortune.…

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439 Dead to Me

2011-07-24 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

What's not to like? You get three square (but very salty) meals a day, an enema every other day and someone to sponge bathe your genitals every couple of days. So what if people keep you up with their howling and screaming all night long, the lady next door comes in to your room to tell your visitors that you've been dead for two years or that the cleaning lady withholds toilet paper when you have to take a crap? You're living it up at the lovely Country Villa Convalescent Hospital.…

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438 Underpants for Japan

2011-07-20 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Apparently there is a market for previously worn underwear that gets sold out of vending machines. Some people find it erotic and sexy. Some people also find Lesbians to be be hot and sexy. Therefore, previously worn Lesbian underwear must be sexy. Now you have a way to get rid of your old granny underpants with period stains and other discolorations while making some extra cash at the same time. It also saves you a trip to the Goodwill.…

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437 Lesbian Dominoes

2011-07-17 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

As Lesbians, we don't always have time to look up all our Lesbian culture questions on the Internet. We need those answers now. For example, if you're a vegan and you meet the woman of your dreams at a bar late one night, how will you know whether or not it's ok for you to go down on her? After all, humans are meat, right? We're going to need someone to create an app for this.…

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436 Sweating Bullets

2011-07-10 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

There's a reason why people in LA always travel by car everywhere they go and won't even walk to the convenience store on the corner. The car forms a protective barrier to keep you safe from the homeless people and other nuts walking around in Ugg boots in the middle of summer. It's not that being homeless is a problem, it's just that someone must be absolutely out of their mind if they're still wearing Ugg boots years after Paris Hilton gave them up.…

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435 Sporty Straight Chick

2011-07-06 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 22s

Lesbians get a bad rap. Everyone thinks it's always the Lesbians that are out recruiting unknowing straight girls to join the ranks of Sisterhood. Finally, the truth can be told. After years of trepidation and doubt, it's finally come out that in reality it's the drunk straight girls that are out recruiting new Lesbians. At least that explains where all the toasters went.…

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434 I Heart NY

2011-07-04 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Congratulations to NY for legalizing Gay marriage! As a public service to help Lesbians across the Empire State, U-Hauls across New York will be shutting down for the next three months. They like to call it a "cooling down" period, but we like to call it insurance for making sure the vagina you touched for the first time last night doesn't become your new wife by next week.…

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433 Working Woman Hotel

2011-06-23 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

Roaches all over the floor, thick black hair in the bathtub, a half inch of dirt in the sink and bedbug stains on the mattress. Despite the fact that most people gave the hotel a thumbs down and would not stay there, still there are at least 21% of people that gave it a thumbs up. Those are the 21% of people I never want to meet in my life.…

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432 Chiweenie

2011-06-19 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

It's important for us as Lesbians to make sure that we always uphold the stereotypes people hold about Lesbians. You can do your part by making sure you sport a mullet at least once in your life, buy flannel shirts in three different colors and always be sure to wear comfortable shoes. Whenever possible, hold your wife's hand in public and give her a kiss on the lips in front of a crowd. Why do we need to do this you ask? Because it scares the crap out of straight people.…

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431 Hard C

2011-06-15 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

What most people fail to realize is that swearing can be a serious addiction. Most addicts are helpless to stop and need some type of intervention to help them break the cycle. You'll know you've hit rock bottom when you realize that you can't get through a complete sentence without swearing at least once, and when the first word that comes out of your baby's mouth is, motherfucker.…

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430 Rapture

2011-06-13 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

It's finally become clear that the real reason most religions recruit is because getting into heaven is a pyramid scheme. The more people you bring in, the better your chances of getting into heaven during the Rapture. Too bad you can't just get points every time you swipe your credit card.…

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429 Rectal Thermometer

2011-06-02 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Motherhood sounds all nice and sweet like Winnie The Pooh and lollipops, until you realize that the best way to take a baby's temperature accurately is by using a rectal thermometer. It's bad enough to have your wife staring at you with the phone in her hand ready to dial 911, until you realize that the thermometer you're holding is actually the oral thermometer that you should have been using to take your own temperature earlier that same day.…

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428 Lezaphone

2011-05-30 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Every Lesbian in the world is separated by only three exes or friends. You'll find proof at any event where Lesbians congregate. Tell just one person some interesting or exciting news and the Lesbian phone tree and cell phone networks will light up within 5 minutes to spread the news to everyone. The whole world will know that you're single again before your profile loads on Match.com.…

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427 Da Girls

2011-05-26 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

If one is good, then we'll take two. Two times the dirty diapers, two times the amount of food to buy, two times the pairs of shoes and two times the bill for college. Of course, It will only take one time to scare off the boys who try to date the twins before they've reached the age of 35.…

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426 Lesbian Time

2011-05-22 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

When people think of cloning they worry about all the horrible things that might happen. Nobody wants to eat meat from cloned animals and we certainly don't want to think about cloning humans. Unless...instead of all the Lesbian clones showing up with the same hairstyles and the same type of blazers with rolled up sleeves they've been wearing since the 80's, the clones were smoking hot replicas of the hottest women you've ever seen. Then everyone would be ok with cloning.…

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425 Chewbacca

2011-05-18 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Owning a vagina is a big responsibility. You can't just place that kind of responsibility in anyone's hands and hope for the best. It's important to clean it regularly, to dry it out properly and to make sure no bacteria or mold grows on it. Most of all it's important to pick out a pretty color when you first get one, and to make sure that the carpeting matches the drapes.…

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424 Dishpan Hands

2011-05-15 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

Professionals in all walks of life take care of the tools they use to do their job. Top chefs keep their knives protected and razor sharp, artists make sure they're brushes are in top notch shape for their next masterpiece, and musicians strive to make sure their instruments are tuned up perfectly. It's pretty much the same for Lesbians. We keep our nails trimmed, our hands clean and we declare a national emergency that must be taken care of immediately if the dishwasher breaks and it means we might be at risk for dishpan hands.…

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423 Lesbian Finishing School

2011-05-09 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Somewhere in the world there must exist an institution where Lesbians can go to learn how to be a proper Lesbian. There will be woodworking classes, workshops to learn all about the different types of denim and flannel, and an extra credit course you can take to help you make your work boots match your outfits. The one class that is required by all attendees will be how to shake hands properly without crushing the crap out of everyone you meet.…

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422 Scared Straight

2011-05-05 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Living with your new wife, having sex every night, your arms behind your back with handcuffs and swinging with other single ladies from time to time. It all sounds like it might be a lot of fun...until you realize you're in prison. Then, just when you think it can't get any worse, you get traded for a tampon to a pretty woman called Diabla.…

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421 Dead Beat

2011-05-02 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

After serving jury duty for just one day, you'll come to realize that the scariest words you'll ever have to hear are that you'll be judged by a "jury of your peers". It wasn't a courtroom full of Lesbians that showed up for jury service that day. Instead it was the man with his pants below his ass, the lady slumped over two seats out cold for the entire morning, the man with rampant melanomas on his bald head and the skinny queen with pants three sizes too small. Well, maybe him.…

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420 Time Capsule

2011-04-27 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

Some things just never need to be unearthed ever again. Instead of being dug up and flaunted out in public, they should simply be burned and tossed in the trash. That goes for the flannel shirt you wore every day of your life from the time you were 4 until you were 10, the boots you thought were so hot every time you wore them to the club, and the dildo that you used on your very first girlfriend until the label wore off completely.…

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419 Up All Night

2011-04-24 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

It's easy to tell the city mouse from the country mouse. The city mouse ignores all the loud noises and unknown sounds that go on at night and just continues sleeping. The country mouse has to get up out of bed, find out what's going on and attempt to save the world with a flashlight and a stepstool. One gets a good night sleep and the other goes from compassionate animal lover to the angry neighbor calling Animal Control when the neighbor's dog won't stop barking all night long.…

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418 The Lezford Wives

2011-04-17 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

They may be lurking in a neighborhood near yours and you don't even know it. It's the Lesbian counterpart to the Stepford Wives...the Lezford Wives. They drive their Gaybies to play dates in their understated, yet overpriced, family-safe Volvo. They're dressed neatly in perfectly pressed khaki pants and a delicately starched pink or baby blue polo shirt with a very comfortable pair of designer shoes with low heels. Of course there will still be football on the TV on Sundays and a cold six-pack in the fridge at all times.…

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417 Lollipop

2011-04-13 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

As a parent you have a responsibility to talk to your children directly about the important things in life. That means telling it exactly as it is and not beating around the bush. This includes sex, masturbation, breasts and periods. There is no more horrifying a surprise for a 12-year old girl than to all of a sudden see blood shooting out of her vagina and coming to realize for the first time that this is going to happen every month of her life for the next 40 years.…

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416 Dirty Little Hamsters

2011-04-10 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

A lovely three bedroom house or a multi-compartment Habitrail with lots of spinning wheels and tunnels. Whatever you call it, the dirty little hamsters inside work hard day and night to mess it up. Sometimes you just need someone to come inside to clean up all the sawdust and crap. Hopefully, they'll leave a nice bowl of fresh water, some dry newspaper and some carrots.…

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415 PhD in Lesbian

2011-04-06 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

We typically think of doctors as these super-smart intellectuals who have spent countless years in school studying science, math and all kind of subjects that we can only imagine. Apparently, the one subject they don't teach you in medical school is how Lesbians have sex. You would think with all that college education they would have spent at least one semester living in the dormitory.…

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414 Flaming Ear Candles

2011-04-03 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

No need to go through all the trouble and expense of seeing a doctor when you can perform simple medical procedures at home all by yourself. If your ears get clogged simply run down to the Lesbian Hippie drugstore and pick up some ear candles. Torch them on the kitchen stove until the flames are at least 6 inches high and then run through the house, lay down on the couch and stuff it in your ear. Wait for your hair, the sofa and the rest of the house to catch fire.…

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413 Love Addicts

2011-03-30 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

There's a reason why some self-help and support groups that help people with alcohol and drug addiction try to stay anonymous. Not everyone wants the world to know about their private business and all their dirty laundry. The last thing they want is to have some lecherous Lesbian showing up at a love and sex addicts meeting gawking and winking at the hot girls while handing out condoms to all the men.…

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412 Spring Break

2011-03-27 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Almost every little girl has gotten a training bra at one time in their life. Still the question remains...what on earth is a training bra helping you to train? If you don't have a any tits there's no reason to be wearing a bra in the first place. Once you get tits, it's really not that challenging to put on a bra after the first time you snap it in place. The only bra training that really might useful is for Lesbians to get some lessons on how to a quickly unsnap a lady's bra using only one hand.…

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411 DWI - Driving While Irate

2011-03-20 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Southern California has two seasons, bone dry and flooding rain. During the dry season you can go out of the house any time of the day or night and never have to worry about checking the weather at all. When it rains, however, the National Weather service should not only issue an emergency alert that all of a sudden nobody remembers how to drive, but also to be aware that it's wash day for the homeless river lady. When wash day comes, everything gets washed...even if she's wearing it already.…

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410 Flat D

2011-03-16 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

The average human passes gas at least 14 times every single day. Gas is a just a natural part of the digestion process and everyone does it. Still...you can rest assured that stinkiest toot you'll do each day will occur at the most inappropriate time possible. If it's not in the middle of the meeting with your boss, it will be right at the moment the new girl you just met goes down on you for the first (and possibly the last) time.…

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409 Brazilian

2011-03-13 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 19s

Getting a Brazilian is not just about looking good in a bikini this summer. It's also a good way to help save money during the recession. With a Brazilian you'll need less toilet paper every time you go to the bathroom, which means you can not only buy less toilet paper overall, but you can also buy the single-ply as well. Just think about how many napkins a man with a mustache needs every time he eats...same concept.…

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408 Orange Alert

2011-03-09 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

Just a reminder...the country is on Orange Alert. We're going to stay on Orange Alert just to make sure that you continue to live in a constant state of low level fear paranoia and chronic agitation. If you see something suspicious, such as an abandoned backpack on the street, take immediate action. Call your friend that's a cop so that they can tell you exactly what to do next in that situation...call 911.…

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407 Misty

2011-03-06 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Some people are naturally more sensitive than others. There are those that cry when they see a sad movie. Others are moved by a missing pet getting reunited with an owner. Still others tear up when an 80 year old grandmother comes out to explain how much she loves and appreciates her Gay son. Finally, there are the kind of people that feel the need to write negative comments on the Web because this show wasted 10 minutes of their life.…

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406 Slut Club

2011-02-27 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

College today is so different today from way back in the day. Now instead of having a Chess Club to join for a little extracurricular fun, you have the Slut Club. At least you'll get an education in things that you can use. Everyone needs to learn how to have multiple orgasms, G-spot orgasms and how to do a little B and D the right way. You may as well get something useful out of that college education your parents are spending good money on.…

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405 Sacrifices

2011-02-20 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

Everyone should know the joy of owning a toy box. Having a toy box as an adult, however, comes with the same exact responsibilities that you had a as a kid. When you're done playing with your toys you need to clean them up and put them away where they belong. Nobody likes to come home after a long day at work to see a lube-soaked dildo drying out on the kitchen counter.…

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404 Traumatized by a Tit

2011-02-16 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 17s

Most people traveling by air these days will do anything to avoid extra charges for luggage, onboard food and anything else that might be considered civilized....even leg room. Instead we'll all pack and stuff our onboard bags so full that even if you had to buy a box of tampons the only way you could get them on the plane is to shove them all inside yourself at once.…

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403 Full Frontal Nudity

2011-02-13 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

It used to be that going to the theater was a family friendly activity that everyone in the family could enjoy together. You'd take in a show with lions happily singing that get shot by hunters so that the babies have to live as orphans, or a show where everyone is a junkie, lives in sqalor and dies of AIDS. Now when you go the show all you get is straight men's junk parading around on stage, someone's naked but pumping up and down screwing some girl, and the horrified looks of young children that got taken to the show by their parents.…

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402 Carpet Fiber Myalgia

2011-02-06 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

For some people it's important that the carpeting hides the nasty stains on the floor. For Lesbians it's important that the carpet matches the drapes. But for others, it's only important that your ass doesn't hurt every time you walk across the floor when you remember the screwing you got from the person that sold you the carpet in the first place.…

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401 Unfriend

2011-02-02 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Facebook is a like a pretty girl you see on the street. She looks all clean and nice at first, but when you get her home you wind up with an itchy, scratchy disease a few days later. All of a sudden friends you no longer want to know start propagating on your page like venereal warts, your belly needs flattening, your teeth need whitening and you can get insurance for seniors at a really good price.…

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400 How Did I Survive?

2011-01-30 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

Selling your old junk on Craiglist may not really be as lucrative as it first seems. Once you take into account the extra insurance you have to take out on your wife that's meeting all the weirdos and then divide the rest of the money you make by the number of hours you have to spend talking to the stalker in you house and cooking him dinner, your hourly wage only comes out to about 50 cents an hour.…

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399 Deep Fried Tampon

2011-01-26 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Some things you expect to be dirty. The subway toilet, a dog's ass, the sewer at the end of your block and the bottom of your shoes. The things you don't expect to be filthy are produce at the grocery store, ATM keypads and the waiter's hands at your favorite restaurant. What you really don't expect is to find a tampon in your bag of fries when go out to eat.…

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398 Dodged a Bullet

2011-01-23 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 17s

Be careful what you offer to do for a friend just to be nice. There may come a day when you have to make good on that promise, and you might just run out of friends to offer up and throw under the bus in your place. The real test will be when it comes down to the last minute and it looks you may just have to go to the theater to see the live dancing show. At that point do you suck it up and go, or do you get a last minute case of the runs so bad that you can't even leave the house?…

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397 Big Busted

2011-01-19 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

There was a time when you could find a doctor to cure your various STD's on the down low without letting your wife or partner in on your little secret. Today we need computer technicians that can do the same thing. Every once in while you need to find someone that can carefully clean all the viruses and nasty infections off your computer without letting the new girl you're dating know anything about it. All gone.…

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396 One Good Friend

2011-01-16 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

We've said it before, but good advice always bears repeating. It doesn't matter if you have one vibrator or two. Everyone needs to have that one good friend that knows exactly what to do in case of an emergency. If something unexpected were to happen to you, they will simply race over to your house, collect up all your sex toys and secretly take them away to where they can't be found. Your mom will never even know they were there.…

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395 Mad Skills

2011-01-10 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Listen up, straight people. Just because you figured out that Jodie Foster is a Lesbian does not mean you have Gaydar. Even if your best friend is Gay, this does not mean you gain Gaydar by osmosis. This is a special super power that only Gay People are endowed with. No, George Clooney is not Gay, either.…

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394 Clorox Chicken

2011-01-05 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

It's bad enough when Americans travel to other countries acting rudely and embarrassing every one of us living in this fine country. Now it's gotten so bad you can't even take Americans out of their own neighborhood before they start behaving badly. The best advice there is for Americans that want to leave their homes is simply to stay inside, sit on the couch and don't eat anything that doesn't taste like chicken.…

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393 Proper Gentleman

2011-01-02 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

Not everyone was brought up with good manners. Some people don't know that it's appropriate to tip the mail carrier and the gardener during the holidays. They don't know to hold a door open for a lady. And, they are absolutely clueless when it comes to dropping a twenty down on the table after the nice lady in airport security gives you a full body pat down.…

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392 Bad Role Models

2010-12-25 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

There are two important rules that should be followed when using tools. The first is to always use the right tool for the job. The second is to always wear safety glasses. You never know when a little piece of plastic from the store's theft control security tag will pop up and hit you in the eye.…

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391 Agoraphobic

2010-12-22 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 8s

Taking a long trip to some place new always seems like a good idea at the time...until you start looking at the news. It's only then that you're confronted with the reality that other cities have bed bug infestations, serial killers and inhuman weather conditions. Perhaps it's best to simply stay at home for the holidays.…

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390 Deep Tissue

2010-12-19 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Going for a massage is the same as having sex with your partner. It's important to have a good line of communication going throughout the entire experience where you talk to each other about what feels good and what's too much. In either case there's a possibility that you could wind up with a hand up your ass going for a deep tissue massage if you just lay there quietly like a dead fish not saying anything.…

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389 Period

2010-12-16 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

There are some things that guys will never ever have to worry about. They never have to think about wearing white pants in case they get their period early. They never have to worry about the weight of their suitcase going over the weight limit at the airport because they had to pack extra tampons and pads, and they never have to worry about the outline of a super-sized tampon getting rubbed into the back pocket of their jeans.…

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388 Landmine

2010-12-12 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Landmines used to be the affectionate name to call piles of dog crap in the backyard that needed to be cleaned up before the gardeners showed up. Then came Jersey Shore, which taught us that landmines were simply ugly chicks to avoid in a bar. Now we're back to land mines really being a danger for the gardeners, except this time a gardener really did get blown up.…

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387 Bras and Panties

2010-12-09 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

The holidays are a time for joy and good tidings. It's the time of year to see your good friends, spread some holiday cheer and appreciate all that is good in your life. It's also the time of year to forge your wife's name on Christmas cards, to lie about what's in the packages you're sending through the mail at the Post Office, and the time of year that you hope the sexy UPS girl shows up at your door with boxes full of fun gifts for you.…

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386 Bum a Smoke?

2010-12-05 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Telling people that it's unhealthy to smoke, showing them ads of smokers talking through a hole in their neck or putting scary warning labels on packs of cigarettes doesn't seem to make a discernible difference in anyone's willingness to light up on a regular basis. The only way to really get people to stop smoking is to raise the price to $50 per pack and to have a case of dynamite explode in their ass every time they light up.…

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385 Scan Me

2010-12-01 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

It's hard work keeping the country safe from evil. That's why we all have to step up and do our parts if we're going to succeed. If that means going through a full body scanner at the airport, showing up in a Speedo with a nut hanging out, or letting Roxanne's mom listen to this show...we just have to suck it up and do what we have to do.…

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384 Twenty in Chains

2010-11-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Sometimes being a good partner simply means putting your own needs aside while you hold your partner's hand to help them through a scary or tough part of their life. It can be a gesture so simple as sitting calmly beside them talking about how hot Rhianna and Beyonce are while your partner is skidding down a treacherous snowy mountain about to careen off a cliff to her death. You can at least leave her with happy thoughts as she goes.…

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383 Natasha TS

2010-11-25 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

There's nothing wrong with looking in the local sex rag for some companionship and love for an evening. Just be sure to read the description carefully. When Sexy Natasha calls herself 36-24-36 and adds and extra 9" at the end...she may be bringing some extra parts that you were not expecting. At that point you can just roll up the newspaper and stuff it in your shoes and jacket to stay warm all by yourself instead.…

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382 Behind Enemy Lines

2010-11-20 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Fifteen feet of fresh snow, freezing temperatures and gale force winds...dressed only in a short sleeved t-shirt, sneakers and a fleece. The unrelenting winter weather is no match for four Lesbians on vacation up in the mountains armed only with an economy rental car, a refrigerator full of beer and a snowblower from before World War II. We can win this even if we have to stay through Thanksgiving deep frying a turkey out in a blizzard.…

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381 Bush is Back

2010-11-14 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

It's true...bush is back. Even if you're not interested in growing a bush for yourself, there is still something you can do to help those in need. For all those ladies that lasered their bushes off back in the nineties and now can't grow a pube if they wanted to, you can grow your own pubic hair and donate it to Locks of Love for pubes. Feel good while helping others to feel good, too.…

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380 True or False

2010-11-10 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

It's time to get schooled. Here's your list of true or false questions: 1. All Lesbians drive trucks. 2. All Lesbians have short hair 3. All Lesbians are sporty. 4. All Lesbians are vegetarians. 5. Lesbians like to drive motorcycles. 6. All Lesbians sleep with each other. How are you doing so far? Remember...70% is considered passing.…

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379 Never Fall in Love

2010-11-07 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Recent studies show that among eighteen to twenty-four year olds, 1 in 10 have had sex with partners of each sex. While young people are doubling their pleasure and increasing the number of sex partners they're having, they're also increasing their risk of STD's. The next time your friend brags about how many girls she has had sex with, ask her how many times she's had crabs. Maybe she also has stock in the company that makes RID.…

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378 Thank You, Gay Men

2010-11-03 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Imagine a world where all the walls are tan and all the carpets are gray. Imagine a world where people actually think that plaid matches nicely with polka dots, especially when it's purple. And, imagine a world where all haircuts look like the Super Cuts special of the week. What you're imagining right now is a world without Gay men.…

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377 Half a Load

2010-10-31 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

If you're going to run for public office in America, you would think that a basic pre-requisite would be to have read the Constitution of the United States of America at least once. It's only a fundamental document that describes the role of government in the 50 states. If they did, they would know about a basic human right that all citizens are born with under the Constitution...the inalienable right to masturbate.…

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376 Eight Seconds in Vegas

2010-10-27 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

Eight seconds is all it takes to win a bull riding contest. Eight seconds is also how long it takes for you to notice the Tecate Girls at Fanzone, for you to pull out your camera to get ready to take the picture of your life, and then for your wife to walk in front of you so that you miss the shot entirely.…

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375 Party Crashers

2010-10-24 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Some people might say it takes balls to just waltz right in and crash a party that you haven't been invited to. If it's a party you haven't been invited to and the party is at the White House and it's an inaugural dinner for the new president of the United States it takes a hell of a lot more than balls. For that it takes an Adam's apple.…

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374 House Guest

2010-10-20 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Everyday life can be very stressful all by itself. Just getting through a day can wear you down and make you crazy. Load on top of that a visit from your crazy Dad that you're trying to avoid and you've got a full on nervous breakdown waiting to happen. At that point there's only one thing that's going to work...sex and a valium.…

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373 Run Pee

2010-10-17 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Just because you're watching a long movie and you've had a large soda at the beginning of the show, does not mean the answer is to wear adult diapers to the theater so that you don't have to get up to pee in the middle. The answer is also not to run into the bathroom, hover over the toilet like a UFO and then run out as fast as you can leaving sprinkles all over the seat. Piss in a bottle like everyone else and just leave it in the movie theater for someone else to clean up.…

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372 Showing Some Bone

2010-10-10 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Just because you're a Lesbian does not mean you a license to use tools. You may be a pro with the "tools" you use in the bedroom, but when you start to think that you can wield real tools outside of the house...that's when someone is going to get hurt. Don't even think about using power tools. That kind of work should be left to a licensed Lesbian professional.…

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371 Klassy With a K

2010-10-06 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

Nothing sucks worse than being a young Lesbian without your own set of wheels. You have to rely on your mom to drop you off at your girlfriend's house, only to have her pick you up a few hours later smelling like sex. All you can do is long for the days when you can take your girl out for a date in your own vehicle to a drive-in movie and a pizza in the back of your pick-up truck under the covers. How do you spell Klassy?…

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370 Bushwacker

2010-10-03 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Now that Fall is here it's time to start thinking about staying in tune with all the new fashions of the season. It's not only important to look good, but you you want to be stylish at the same time. No more of those dated looks from the eighties for you, and that includes your bush. Styling your bush should be just as important as styling your hair. Although not everyone is going to see it, you still want it to look good when they do.…

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369 A Parable

2010-09-29 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Parable - noun [par-uh-buhl]. A short allegorical story designed to illustrate or teach some truth, religous principle or moral lesson. If you're a Gay man deep in the closet and ashamed of yourself for being who you are...then please stop bashing other Gay people! Just cut it out!…

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368 History Is So Gay

2010-09-26 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

History may be as queer as a three dollar bill, but that doesn't mean you'll find much about Gay history in your school textbooks. Most people probably don't know a whole lot about their Gay predecessors at all, or even where to start looking. Out and About Tours is on a mission to change all that. Hop on board the bus and find out all the great history you've been missing out on.…

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367 Wing Girl

2010-09-23 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Everyone needs someone they can count on when the going gets tough. You need someone that can provide the necessary air cover when you're trying to hit on that really cute guy that you've been staring at all night long at the club. Just be careful who you choose to be your Wing Girl, however. You don't want your creepy Lesbian friend hitting on the hot guy you've been checking out. In the end he might just wind up liking her better than you.…

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366 Tastes Like Chicken

2010-09-20 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Americans are an adventurous lot. We like to go out and explore new areas, see new sights and try exciting activities we've never tried before. We'll try anything once and even twice if we like. New and interesting foods are no exception. In fact, the more exotic it is...the better. Just make sure it tastes like chicken, however, or else you can be certain that we're going to hate it. Other than that...bring it on.…

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365 Workers Comp

2010-09-15 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 7s

Repetitive motion injuries can be incredibly debilitating and they can strike at any time with devastating impact to your everyday life. Instead of leaving things to chance, hire a personal trainer to get you in shape for those long sex sessions with your brand new partner before you start dating. Of course, if you do happen to throw out a hip or slip a disc having sex, you can just go into work the next day and blame it on your job.…

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364 Tracking the Klondyke

2010-09-12 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 20s

Alaska is cold any time of the year, so the best thing you can do when you go up there to visit is to seek out a nice warm Klondyke to help you turn up the heat. Just beware of the faux Lesbians that show up with crew cuts and rat tails wearing overalls. They may just be straight women whose hairdresser thought that looked cute.…

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363 On Tour

2010-09-08 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

It's tough enough to come out to your parents, but when your parents are ok with you being Gay and you have a problem with it...then you're in serious trouble. Fortunately, for those parents working hard to accept their LGBT family member there's a place they can go to meet other parents dealing with those same issues. It's called PFLAG. Google it.…

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362 Free Steven Slater

2010-08-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Next time you think about getting up out of your airline seat to check your luggage before the plane comes to a complete stop, you may want to reconsider. You never know when the gentle, smiling flight attendant will decide it's time to go out in a ball of flames after 28 years by calling you a nasty name over the PA system, grabbing a couple of beers and hurling himself out of the plane on the emergency slide.…

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361 Party Favors

2010-08-25 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

How surprised were you the first time you had sex with your wife when you found out she wasn't really a virgin after all? Now you can relive that special moment with your one and only with the replacement hymen operation. If that seems like too much trouble to go through, then you can simply order a hymen replacement kit online. Capsule of fake blood included with every order.…

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360 Moose Knuckle

2010-08-22 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 19s

So rare is the partner that will take it upon herself to go back to the store she hates more than anyplace else on earth to return an item to get a replacement while you sit out in the parking lot rocking out to the car radio watching all the young hotties walk by with their tramp stamps and moose knuckles hanging out. Instead of bringing it up on a podcast, you might be better served to simply keep your mouth shut and just say "thank you".…

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359 501(c)

2010-08-18 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

There's nothing wrong with wanting to do a good deed by helping out animals without a home. You can visit your local shelter and adopt all kinds of needy pets. It only becomes a problem when you think you have only a few pets numbering around 150, but it really turns out that you have over 250 feral beasts running around your home crapping on the carpet.…

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358 Goat Feet

2010-08-15 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

One thing is the absolute truth. Lesbians like to be comfortable. That's why our favorite summer outfit consists of cargo shorts, a t-shirt and some nice comfortable Lesbian sandals. The only puzzling thing is why straight men enjoy wearing the exact same outfit. It's really hard to say who thought of it first and who is just copying the other.…

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357 Priceless

2010-08-10 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Now that we're older we look at young Lesbians clandestinely holding hands at the theater trying to steal a sweet moment in a crowded area, hoping that their friends don't see that they're really having sex together every instant they can steal away. Instead of being supportive and respectful, all we can do is stare and forget that we did exactly the same things when we were younger...and thought nobody was watching.…

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356 From H8 to GR8

2010-08-05 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

It was an amazing day in Gay history as the proposition to ban Gay marriage in California was deemed unconstitutional by a US chief district judge. Although that's great news, it doesn't mean that it's time to trade in your U-Haul for a wedding ceremony. Just because she touches you down there in a way you've never felt before...it doesn't mean you've just found your soulmate. Trust us...…

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355 Out of the Box

2010-08-04 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

It's been said that some of the most successful entrepreneurs started their businesses in times of a recession. All it takes is some out of the box thinking. If we can have Harry Potter jelly beans that sometimes taste like vomit, why can't we have a "scratch and sniff" vagina candy that most of the time tastes delicious, but then every once in a while you get the one that tastes like vaginosis? Why not?…

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354 Five Skulls

2010-08-01 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

Before you get into a new relationship, you may want to take a look at the new prospect's track record with breakups. It's not about how many breakups they've had, but more about how they behave during a breakup. You don't want to be the subject of the next Eminem song with all your blubbering voicemail messages crafted into the next hit song making it to the top of the charts on the radio.…

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353 Medicated

2010-07-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

There is absolutely no need to worry about the possibility of marijuana becoming legalized in the United States. Legalization has about as much chance of getting passed as Gay marriage in California. It's not because people aren't supportive. It's just that the people that would support the ballot initiative will forget to actually get out to vote on election day.…

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352 Two Packs a Day

2010-07-25 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Quitting smoking can be very challenging, and different people have different approaches.  Some people like to go it cold turkey and others try to taper off until they're down to just a few smokes a day before stopping altogether. When it's the three year-old smoking two packs a day, however, just buy him some Nicorette gum and call it a day.…

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351 Alarmed

2010-07-20 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

The next time you feel like someone needs to die because their car alarm starts going off incessantly all night long, you may want to consider the circumstances. If the real reason they can't get up to turn it off at that exact moment is that they're simply in bed with some hot chick getting laid, then maybe you can have a little more sympathy. After all, would you even want to get up to answer the phone?…

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350 Uh Oh

2010-07-18 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 7s

The patient may be on the table, slit open with her guts hanging out...but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's over. We can rebuild her, make her better than before, stronger, faster... Wait a minute, we're not talking about the Bionic Woman here. The computer is on the fritz and we're putting her back together. It's just that it would be so much easier if we could tell her to take a pill and call us in the morning.…

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349 Hanging Chad

2010-07-07 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

These days you just never really know where evil might be lurking, so you have to be vigilant at all times. Even if you've only stepped out to vote it's important not to let your guard down because the sweet little old lady that showed up to cast her vote that day may decide to fly her freak flag when she finds out that the number of voting booths for Democrats is larger than those for the Republicans. Call for backup.…

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348 Bitcheater

2010-07-04 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Nicknames are all fun and games until someone gets them all mixed up and calls one girlfriend by the other one's name...all in front of the third one that the first one is having an affair with. If people would just stop naming their daughters who will eventually grow up to be Lesbians by the name of Sue...none of this would be a problem. Then we wouldn't need nicknames such as Finger, Moaner, Lips or Tweaker.…

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347 Cinderella

2010-06-30 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

It's good to have a Cinderella around the house. Not the kind that stays up partying until midnight, loses her shoe and then falls in love with some guy she just met. Instead you want the kind that stays home, cleans the house, scrubs the floor, does the dishes and takes care of all the chores. You want a Cinderella that can be your own personal bitch.…

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346 Bargain Basement Baby

2010-06-27 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 7s

It's probably a good idea that Gay people are not allowed to get married and legally adopt in some states. Otherwise, they would be doing outrageous things such as selling their babies on Craig's List, putting their kids up for adoption on E-Bay or worst of all, they might even want to marry their pets. The worst part about it is...then they would be just like straight people.…

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345 Going Downtown

2010-06-23 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Damn...you thought this show was going to be about something else! Seriously, if big cities would simply install poles that dispense plastic bags the same way they do at some dog parks, then when you're downtown and you have to take a crap...you can just grab a bag and pick it up yourself. Wouldn't that make everything a whole lot nicer?…

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344 W.W.R.D.

2010-06-20 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Sometimes it's hard to know exactly what to do in a difficult situation. You're not sure what the right course of action migh be or how it will affect your future. You stress about it, turn it over and over in your mind and still you can't figure out what would be the right thing to do. So, you think about someone you admire and respect and what they would do in the same situation...and then you do the exact opposite.…

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343 Country Gay

2010-06-06 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 15s

Every day is a new Gay. It seems that every time we listen to the news or open a newspaper we hear about a new celebrity coming out of the closet. Some are a complete surprise, some we're happy to have on our side, and others we wind up scratching our head thinking, "what took you so long?" Then there are those that don't even need to bother announcing themselves. Barry Manilow.…

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342 Bush Mullet

2010-06-02 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

The key to true happiness is in finding something that you not only enjoy, but something that you're good at and that you can make a good living doing. If you try hard enough and you really put your mind to it, you'll be able to find that one thing that makes you feel completely fulfilled....even if your true love is trimming bushes into mullets and adding extensions to pubic hair.…

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341 Red Blooded American Lesbian

2010-05-30 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

For all those special Lesbians in your life, there's one gift that keeps on giving month after month. It's educational, entertaining and fun. You might even increase your vocabulary with all the fabulous articles you'll read in every issue. The best part about it is that a full year subscription to "Playboy" will cost you less than $20 per year. A veritable bargain.…

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340 Lifetime U-Haul Loyalty Discount

2010-05-26 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Dating would be so much easier if everyone would simply pick up a package of "Hello My Name Is..." stickers and add all the attributes their future exes need to know. Would it kill you to just let everyone know up front that you're a stalker, that you're clingy and smothering, that you like sex on the first date, that you have mother issues or crazy exes still in your life? If you give great orgasms...don't forget to add that helpful piece of info, too.…

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339 Mojito Pride

2010-05-23 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

It's Pride season once again and it's time to get out and celebrate. Break out those penis maracas, the electrical tape for your nipples and every bit of rainbow paraphernalia you can find. Take your half-naked ass over to your local Gay Pride event and don't leave until you've gotten your fill of the the Mojito pole dancers, or at least the phone number of your local neighborhood porn star.…

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338 Bye Poor People

2010-05-19 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

What if it were really true? What if General Naduka really does have $16.1000 billion dollars from your dead relatives in Nigeria that you've never met, but that were killed in a wretched car accident three years ago? What if the good General has been looking for you..the sole living relative...for the past three years? Was that a unicorn that just flew by?…

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337 Best Friend's Vagina

2010-05-16 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

It doesn't matter how hot she is or how much you're in love with her. It doesn't matter if that man she's with is no good for her. That straight girl best friend of yours is off limits! The only thing that can come of it is to have one less friend...and an addiction to "General Hospital" that may last you the rest of your life. Of course, if she touches you first...then it's on.…

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336 New Dykesey

2010-05-12 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

There's a place where 1 out of 10 people are straight, the principal and most of the teachers at the school are Lesbians, and straight people are allowed to get married, but not divorced. The only problem is that every one of the Lesbians is an ex of everyone else's current wife, and all the kids have multiple mommies and step-mommies. It's also the new location for MTV's "Dykesey Shore".…

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335 A Little Italian in You

2010-05-09 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

It's a beautiful feeling to be a free-shitter. Someone that can take a dump no matter where they are. They can be on vacation, at work, at a friend's house or even out shopping. If the urge comes over them there is nothing stopping them from pinching a loaf wherever they are. Until one day when divine retribution finally comes calling...and their world is forever changed...…

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334 Vegetables Are Your Friend

2010-05-05 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 8s

When someone asks you what ethnicity you are, what they really want is where you and and your relatives are from originally. They don't want to hear that you've had some Italian in you because you slept with some hot Italian chick that put her fingers or tongue inside you. Of course, when you ask your parents that question, you don't want to hear that you're from somewhere other than where they've been telling you for your whole life up until now either.…

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333 Red Eye

2010-05-02 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

There is a certain protocol to taking the red-eye when you fly at night. After going through the obligatory safety speech the flight attendants ask everyone to pull down their window shades and dim the lights so that everyone can sleep. Despite all the relevant clues...there's always bound to be some dimwit that continues to stay up chatting and laughing loudly all night long. You sit there getting more and more annoyed...until you realize that person is with you.…

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332 Don't Judge

2010-04-25 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Just because you like plain vanilla sex, it doesn't mean that everyone is content with the same old thing night after night. Some people might actually get a thrill out of someone squatting over them in the middle of the night ready to take a hot steaming dump right on their chest. Who are you to judge?…

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331 Cuss Free Zone

2010-04-21 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

After you've finally admitted that you do have a problem there's another often overlooked step towards getting your life back on track - that's actually wanting to do something about it. What most people don't realize is that cussing is the gateway to other bad behaviors, such as bullying people, tossing high school girls into gym lockers and flipping off old ladies in traffic.…

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330 Tired of Living a Lie

2010-04-18 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

You're an almost 60-year old lady...unmarried...attractive...wealthy...and you've just kicked your boyfriend out of the house to instead move your soulmate, best friend in...and you're not a Lesbian. Really?…

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329 Shake the Troll Head

2010-04-14 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

This is not your grandmothers game of Bingo. There are no lucky charms, no magic troll heads or any other OCD rituals in an attempt to make the next ball be the winning one for you. Instead you have campy, biting queens, a gaggle of straight women at a bridal shower and tweaker waiters. The one thing that does remain the same, however, is that when the bill comes to the table, somehow you still wind up $40 short after everyone puts in their money.…

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328 Penisology

2010-04-11 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

When you really want to get some in-depth, accurate information on a subject the best person to consult is an expert. Ideally, you'll find someone that has a degree in the subject, someone that has studied it extensively or even someone that has personal experience in the matter. If for some reason you wanted to know all about penises, the last person you'd want to consult is a Lesbian, much less a Gold Star Lesbian.…

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327 Creepy Old Lady

2010-04-07 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 6s

Remember when you were young and your mother told you to never talk to strangers? Now that you're older...nothing's changed. That's still good advice to live by. Otherwise, you may find yourself with a 90-year old schizophrenic stalker that programmed her phone number into your cell phone calling you every night at 2:00am crying.…

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326 Dinah Candy

2010-04-04 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Dinah Shore weekend can be a life-changing experience. Twenty thousand women descend on Palm Springs for a weekend of partying by the pool, lying naked in sun and cheating on their girlfriend. Others show up to see their favorite golfers in action, but leave realizing they really like naked women with fake breasts instead.…

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325 Straight Friends

2010-03-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Just because you're a big ol' Homo it doesn't mean that you can't have straight friends. Once you open your mind and get to know some straight people you'll realize they're just like us. They drive regular cars, they show up at Weight Watchers and they pick the toe fungus out of their toenails just like everyone else.…

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324 Lips of Steel

2010-03-25 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Older and more mature Lesbians have a lot of experience and knowledge to pass on to today's younger generation of LGBT youth. It's time we reached out to support the younger generations that are just coming out of the closet and are trying to find their way around in a predominantly straight world. Just remember that there are boundaries, and when we say "reach out", we don't necessarily mean that literally...pedophile.…

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323 Jihad Dyke

2010-03-21 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Taking a plane anywhere today can be fraught with perils. You may get stuck on the tarmac for sixteen hours, you might get a blanket with head lice in it, you might be sitting on a seat with bedbugs or you might be sitting next to someone that brought a tuna fish sandwich on board. With all that to worry about, at least you don't have to worry about the horror of being served airplane food any longer.…

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322 Kids at Work

2010-03-17 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

It's never too early to give your kids a good education about what it will be like to enter the working world. If you're a 911 operator, an air traffic controller, or a semi-truck driver, there's no better time to get your kid acquainted with what you do every day at work. So, put them right behind the wheel, let them land planes and let them take the next emergency call to deliver a baby.…

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321 Veal

2010-03-14 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

If you've been missing the days of lusting over your Lesbian gym teacher in high school...then it's time to join the gym again! Make sure you sign up for the workout lessons with the hot Lesbian trainer who will make your legs "burn". Hopefully, everyone will get sweaty enough for a post-workout shower. Hot.…

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320 Double Double

2010-03-03 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

With age comes wisdom. When you're young you might think that a woman with two vaginas sounds like a rockin' good time. As you get older, however, you start to think about the down side of having two vaginas. Not only will you have permanent hand cramps and a swollen tongue trying to get her off, but you'll have to spend twice as much on menstrual supplies and you'll have to protect yourself from two bouts of PMS every single month.…

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319 Vajazzle

2010-02-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Gay Pride season is right around the corner, which means that it's never too early to start thinking about having your own money-making booth that you can travel with to Pride Festivals across the country to earn a little extra cash. To really succeed, however, you'll need something unique that will set you apart from the competition. This year, leave the rainbow bracelets behind and get ready to Vajazzle.…

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318 Miss Alaska

2010-02-24 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Going on a cruise can be a good time even if you never get off the boat but to get the most out of your trip you'll definitely want to schedule some interesting shore excursions. Just make sure that you buy your from a reputable company so that you don't get ripped off. Otherwise, instead of sledding with the huskies across the frozen tundra, you could be cuddling with a pack of mongrels from the pound with blue contacts in their eyes.…

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317 The Evening News

2010-02-21 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

When you go out to the club to go dancing, you definitely don't want to leave home without your Gaydar and a fresh set of batteries. Put that in your left pocket and then put your Stripper-radar in your right pocket. These days it's not enough to be able to pick out the strippers by their heels alone. …

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316 Bambi's Birthday

2010-02-15 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

These days it take a lot more skill to be a newscaster than just being able to be able to read the stories on the Teleprompter. These days you not only need to pick out your own clothes, but you also need to be able to annunciate properly. You have to make sure that when you're saying "horseshoes" that someone doesn't think you're saying "whore shoes".…

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315 Bathroom Reading

2010-02-10 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Everyone enjoys some good bathroom reading now and again. Just don't be alarmed if you're sitting down at the crapper and you see that your wife has lovingly placed the latest issue of "Divorce Magazine" on the top of your reading pile. I'm sure she meant nothing by it.…

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314 The Great Big Book

2010-02-07 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Being a good writer takes a lot of creativity, hours of time and a ton of hard work. You have to think about the plot line, character development and all the details that keep readers interested enough to continue turning the pages. It's not a skill that you are born with or that you can learn overnight. Dashing your hopes of becoming famous, however, takes only a single moment of criticism from someone that doesn't even like to read.…

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313 Heterophobia

2010-02-03 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

According to the National Institute of Health, approximately 5% of people will develop a chronic phobia in their lifetime. That number could be understated, however. The NIH may not be taking into account the specific phobias that plague the LGBT community. Simply by counting the one most common affliction, Exophobia - the fear of exes, that number could rise to more than 50%.…

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312 Lesbian Herstory Tour

2010-01-31 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Lesbians share a deep and rich history that goes way back to the beginning of time. Unfortunately, you won't find too much about the heroines of yesteryear in today's history books. That's why it's important for us as Lesbians to carry on sharing our own oral history so that these larger than life figures of the past will never be forgotten. After all, it's our civic responsibility to make sure we never forget who invented the Mullet.…

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311 Lesbian Census

2010-01-25 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Let's stand up and be counted! It's that time of the decade when Roxanne tries to find out which zip code...or country...has the largest number of cute Lesbians. She claims it's not a "dating service", but she sure has a lot of questions about you, your exes and your availability for a new relationship. Print out the survey and send your responses to Roxanne@2Homos.com …

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310 Snake Bite

2010-01-20 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

It's a jungle out there. Before you go out on a hunting expedition for your next future "ex", make sure you take all the necessary precautions. Bring a large rifle, some thigh-high boots and a large bottle of snake repellent. It's always useful to bring a net and a big bag, too, just in case you need to tie up and carry back your prey.…

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309 Walk On By

2010-01-17 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Sometimes it seems that your Gaydar is just not working properly. You encounter Lesbians and nothing happens, you see Gay men and there are no bells...something is just not right. If that's happening to you, it might just mean that it's time to replace the batteries in your Gaydar. Just to be safe, you may as well replace the batteries in the Crazy Meter, too. You just never know...…

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308 Miss Communication

2010-01-13 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Scientists have very specific techniques they use when examining foreign substances for the first time. They never stick their nose in it and take a direct whiff and they never touch it to take a taste of it until they know wether or not the substance is safe. You never know if what you're examining might be what the dog excreted from its anal glands earlier that day.…

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307 Mumblina

2010-01-06 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

The Sims has always been a Gay friendly game. You can create same sex couples, have them kiss and be affectionate with each other, and even live together. If you've ever played the game, you're familiar with the unique brand of mumble-speak Sims use to communicate with each other. What you may not have known is that some of the Sims have left the game and are now working at CVS Pharmacy. There's a reason some people never leave the house.…

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306 Hot For Teacher

2010-01-03 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Learning institutions should be safe and protected environments where everyone is free to learn. Within those austere walls it's completely inappropriate for a teacher to even consider having sex with a student. The rules, however, may not be so clear for the teachers when it comes to having sex with each other. Either way, you'd at least think they would have enough common sense to lock the classroom door before taking their clothes off.…

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305 First Time Etiquette

2009-12-30 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

First time jitters are natural the first time you're with a woman. You may be confused about what to do once you get into that situation, you may be nervous that you won't know how to please her, and you definitely don't want to look stupid once her clothes come off. As usual we've got some good advice for you that includes not shaving her entire body in the bathtub on the first date.…

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304 Cranky For a Reason

2009-12-27 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

If your lady has been cranky for no reason lately, your first reaction may be that she is PMS'ing...again. Maybe she's not getting enough sleep, maybe she's not getting enough sex or maybe she's just a plain old bitch. Once you get beyond all of that, there may actually be a medical reason for her short temper. It could be that she is low on electrolytes or possibly her iron levels are deficient. Time for a doctor check-up.…

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303 Lesbo Curious

2009-12-23 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

Young Lesbians everywhere need to beware. There are straight women on the prowl looking to prey on susceptible young Lesbians by luring them into hot, smokin' extramarital affairs and relationships without disclosing the whole truth - that they have a husband at home! Add straight women to the list of predators that nice young ladies need to watch out for.…

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302 Robbin' Hood

2009-12-20 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

It's the time of year for giving, so why not give something to yourself? It's OK if you take gift cards from needy children, smoke crack with funds from the city you work for, or buy prostitutes by using your government spending account. It's only when you get a blow job at your place of work that it becomes an issue...even if you're multi-tasking and getting work done at the same time.…

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301 Stocking Stuffer

2009-12-15 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

There's more than one way to stuff your stocking this holiday season, but we'd be remiss if we didn't give you our rundown of great gift ideas for friends, loved ones and even those you hate. We've got something for everyone on your list whether they've been naughty, nice or just plain nasty. Break out that credit card and get ready to revive the economy.…

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300 Lesbian Bra Shop

2009-12-12 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

It's not that Lesbians don't want attractive bras to wear. We just need them to be attractive, yet still functional. Sports bras are functional, but not necessarily attractive. 18-hour bras are functional, but not necessarily attractive. Worst of all, you don't want to pick up a woman you think is "double D" who happens to really be a "nearly A" when you get her home.…

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299 Pissing Contest

2009-12-08 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Good fences make good neighbors. It also helps to have a fence that's six-feet tall so you don't ever have to talk to your neighbors or interact with them. Best of all, it also helps maintain the mystery about who your neighbors really are. That way you'll never have to know that the Steppford Wife next door sells Botox for a living and has man-voice.…

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298 Gay Play Date

2009-12-05 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

The secret to a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship is to make sure that both partners get their needs fulfilled on a regular basis. Next time your partner wants to do something that you hate doing, simply send them on a play date with a friend and you won't have to deal with it. Then you can stay home and fall in love with fake characters in a video game all by yourself.…

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297 Not Over Yet

2009-12-01 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

December 1, 1988 marked the first official World AIDS Day, but it's a pandemic that we have all been living with for more than 25 years. We may have drugs and cocktails that help slow down and even reverse the effects, but they're not accessible, affordable or tolerable for everyone that needs them world-wide. The long-term affects are also unclear. This fight is far from over, so speak up, speak out, communicate with your partner and make sure you're protected.…

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296 Change the Subject

2009-11-29 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 8s

Adults are not that much different from babies. When you want to get a baby to stop crying, you try to divert their attention to something else. Maybe it's food, a different toy or a funny face that you make. When Lesbians start getting into a heated conversation, simply try pointing out a nice looking lady with big boobs. That should do the trick and get everyone into a happier place.…

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295 Mature Adults

2009-11-27 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

As a parent it's important to keep track of who your kids are hanging out with, what kind of music they're into and what bad things they might be getting up to. Adults should be good role models for their children by exhibiting appropriate behavior at all times. Encouraging 10-year olds to share ring tones with bad words and sexual references might not be a good example of being a mature adult role model.…

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294 Nipple Finder

2009-11-22 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Next time you're online looking for your new ex-wife at one of the Lesbian dating sites, you may want to update your profile about what you're looking for in a lady. Add that you're looking for someone who is a breast technician at a mammogram center. This is someone that fondles breasts for a living, they understand the importance of warm hands, and they've got a lot of experience picking up and fondling all kinds of breasts. That's what they do for a living....so they get a lot of practice.…

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293 Dispose of Properly

2009-11-18 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Once the relationship has ended and it's time to dispose of all those fun sex toys you acquired over the week that your latest long-term relationship lasted, it's important to know how to dispose of your toys properly. If you can't donate your used toys to the local Goodwill, you can always spread some good will of your own by depositing them in your neighbors' mailboxes. Just make sure they don't have a dog that likes to chew things.…

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292 Tongue Joy

2009-11-15 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

Good friends are always there when you need them, but it's your best friends that you can really count on to tell you all about the best sex toys to use with your new girlfriend. When you make that new purchase, just try not to leave it at your parent's house when you spend the night. Even if they don't use it...just the thought that they touch it is enough to throw it right into the trash.…

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291 Your Kids Are Watching

2009-11-11 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Today's parents think they're internet savvy and that they know where their kids are going on the internet. Well...it turns out your kids really are smarter than you. They know how to log on to your computer, they know how to erase their browsing history and they know all your passwords, too. Maybe next time you'll choose a password that's not the name of your favorite pet.…

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290 Lesbians on the Moon

2009-11-08 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

In a time before Lesbian bars, before there were Lesbian go-go dancers and before we knew more than a handful of Gay people each....that time was called, high school. Now we have domestic partnerships, we're on our way to a time in the future when Gay marriage will be legal, LGBT people won't feel like second class citizens, and Olivia Cruises will be selling tickets for a trip to the moon.…

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289 Vegas Secrets

2009-11-04 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 34s

Here's more proof that what happens in Vegas certainly does not stay in Vegas...especially when two Homos are on the trip. Now the secret is out that you'll find dancers with stripper poles in furry boots at the Hard Rock, there are valets parking cars who are older than 50, you can score less than 80 in bowling and still have a really good game, and it is possible to find bad bread pudding on the Strip.…

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288 Holiday Countdown

2009-11-01 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

There's nothing wrong with dressing up for Halloween, handing out candy and having a little fun. It's when you start offering candy to everyone in the neighborhood, including the parents, that you're starting to cross the line. Thinking that you may decorate the entire house and the whole backyard to become a haunted house for everyone to walk through is really going too far.…

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287 While You're Down There

2009-10-27 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Today's Lesbians are entirely too busy to be wasting time. We need to make every minute count. As long as you've got a doctor's appointment you may as well have them check your blood pressure, do a full physical and get that pap smear out of the way all at the some time. Don't forget a pair of tassels so that you can make a little extra money on the side while you have your mammogram done.…

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286 Straight Chick Fest

2009-10-24 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

It's not that Lesbians don't like manicures and pedicures, it's just that not everyone wants to get it done in the middle of a straight chick fest. It might be more comfortable to get it done in the Lesbian nail salon where they have a refrigerator full of beer, the game is being shown on a giant flat-screen TV, the latest issue of Curve is available to flip through, and the ladies from Clinique have a booth to show young Femmes how to apply the latest colors for Fall.…

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285 Just Trying to Help

2009-10-19 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

It may not be immediately obvious, but "help" really is a four-letter word. "Help" should not cost you extra money, require more of your time than if you were to do something yourself, or aggravate you to the point where you need pills to keep you calm. Next time someone tries to help you...help yourself instead and just say, "no".…

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284 Sexposed

2009-10-14 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

It's creepy enough when you pets are in the same room with you watching while you're having sex, but to have a family member walk in while your ass is up in the air is really embarrassing. It's a good thing your parents don't know how to upload videos to You Tube. Otherwise, you might just be an overnight Internet sensation.…

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283 Motivation

2009-10-11 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Sometimes you just need that little kick start to get yourself motivated to start on a big project such as cleaning up the house. Now there's an answer. Simply tune in to "Hoarders" on A&E Network and you will be filled with the fear, motivation and neuroses to make sure that you clean out every closet, organize every drawer and take all your old clothes and unused household items to the nearest charitable drop off location.…

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282 Like a Fart in Church

2009-10-03 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

In tough times it's good to have an entrepreneurial spirit to help kick start the economy once again. The key to success is to find that one unique idea that has a good chance of success. Sponsoring drug dealers near high schools or using condom companies to sponsor school sports teams may not be examples of winning formulas.…

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281 Pigs

2009-09-30 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

There's nothing like a lazy Sunday afternoon watching football, throwing back a few beers and maybe winning a few dollars in the football pool with your friends. That was until we found Friday night football courtesy of the Lingerie Football League. Make sure you take your heart medication before you tune in.…

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280 Ken and Barbie Go Camping

2009-09-27 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 18s

Before you go camping, it's a good idea to make a list of the things you'll need. First, make sure you drive your Porsche to the camp ground. Don't forget the beer cups that you can write your name on, the portable Uno game, the travel stripper pole and a couple of Lesbians to take pictures of your camp site when the bear comes to visit.…

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279 Losing Track of Time

2009-09-23 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

You know you're an old married Lesbian when to have "fun" you head to the nearest Sears and fantasize about buying new appliances for your home. It might be time to break up and start dating someone 20 years younger who wants to party all night and have sex all day. One thing is for sure...she'll be more expensive than the shopping trip to Sears.…

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278 Maid of Honor

2009-09-20 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Sitting through an entire wedding can be a long, drawn out and painful experience...even if it's your best friend getting married. To help make the time go by quicker, why not give yourself a sense of purpose and come prepared with a special mission of your own. Chat up every hot girl at the wedding reception and try to find single lady to hook up with your neurologist.…

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277 Fanny Pack Couture

2009-09-10 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

This Fall, Lesbians all over the world will be making a striking fashion statement as they dig deep into their closets to pull out those old fanny packs we all used to wear back in the 80's. Now you can be both fashionable and sensible as you discretely carry all those Lesbian necessities - your wallet, your hairbrush, your lip balm and your car keys. Don't forget to tuck in a few cherry dental dams for good measure.…

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276 My Fair Lady

2009-09-07 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

The LA County Fair is not any different from a country fair you'd find anywhere in the U.S. We have animals, carnival rides, cotton candy, silly games and crappy fried food. We also have half naked women walking around in tank tops that are too small for them and daisy dukes that go half way up their asses. The only difference is that in LA you might have to question whether their boobs are real or plastic.…

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275 The Job Interview

2009-09-02 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

In this economy it's important to make sure you come to a job interview with your "A" game. You might only get one shot at landing that important job, so make sure you're ready. A few tips to keep in mind - take a shower before you go, don't show up in your sweatpants, wear some deodorant, and tits out is optional...although not always recommended.…

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274 Banana Boat

2009-08-30 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

If you don't kiss someone that is standing under mistletoe, it means you will have bad luck for the rest of your life. Whether you believe that superstition or not, it's probably worth taking a chance by walking away if an ugly Lesbian with halitosis is standing under that mistletoe. Having bad luck for the rest of your life just has to be a better outcome.…

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273 The Real Deal

2009-08-26 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

It's never easy to ask for help when you're not able to take care of yourself as well as you used to, but if that time ever comes, you may as well do it in the best possible style you can think of. Get the wheelchair with the spinning hubcaps and gold plated rims. Deck it out with Italian leather seats with temperature controlled seat warmers. And, make sure it has a cup holder on the side to hold your diamond encrusted Pimp Cup.…

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272 Chick Magnet

2009-08-23 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

It's not hard to pick up Lesbians once you know the secret. All you need is a cute puppy or a minor sports injury. It doesn't even have to be a real injury. Simply go out with a small cast or a sprained limb wrapped in some gauze, add some crutches for effect, and you're guaranteed to meet the girl of your dreams.…

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271 Company of Strangers

2009-08-19 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Global warming is a serious issue that will have long-lasting effects on our planet and impact not only our lives, but the lives of our children and grandchildren as well. But, if reducing our carbon footprint means having to ride in crowded buses and trains with sweaty strangers that stink, then it's worth burning fossil fuels for hours a day jammed on the freeway heading back and forth to work alone in your car with the air conditioning cranked all the way up.…

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270 Low Tech

2009-08-16 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

As you search for the perfect wife, make sure you keep in mind all the good qualities that make for a long, loving and happy relationship. Try to find someone who is trustworthy, loyal, considerate, generous and fun to be around. Most importantly, make sure she knows how to fix the computers and take care of all the other electronic gadgets in the house.…

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269 Paranoia

2009-08-12 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

There's a reason why restaurants have signs in their restrooms that insist employees wash their hands before returning to work. It's so that they don't stick their nasty fingers up their asses and then stir your latte with that same finger. If it wasn't a problem....they wouldn't need the signs.…

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268 Automaton

2009-08-08 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

In an ongoing effort for companies to save money and cut back on expenses, live operators are being replaced by automated phone systems. As long as they're going down that path, it's comforting to know that they've put a lot of time and effort into making those automated systems as exasperating and annoying as talking to a real live customer service agent.…

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267 Power of the Va Jay Jay

2009-08-05 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

It's a lot of power to wield to be the proud owner of a Va Jay Jay. You have the power to make grown men stop in their tracks cold, to start blathering like idiots, to render them unable to think with anything except the smaller version of themselves between their legs, and to make them do things they might regret for the rest of their lives. What a bitch when they find out you're a big 'ol Homo.…

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266 Sophie's Choice

2009-08-02 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Just because you're a Lesbian it doesn't necessarily mean that you don't like penises. Lots of Lesbians enjoy toys and strap-ons shaped like a phallus. It's just that most of them don't want to have one with a man attached to the other side touching them.…

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265 F.U. LA

2009-07-29 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

There are some things you never want to hear come out of your mother or grandmother's mouths. Some of those things might be, "Is that the sex toy shop you go to?", "Do you use the super extra-wide tampons?" and "F@#K you LA". You might just get lucky and actually hear all those things in one single week. Time to got to Vegas.…

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264 Lesbian Beverly Hillbillies

2009-07-26 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

The $80 you just spent for lunch at a trendy new West Hollywood restaurant won't be near enough to make up for the amount of business they'll now lose by having the Lesbian Beverly Hillbillies show up during prime time. The restaurant just fell off Paris Hilton's "to do" list for this week.…

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263 Sanctity of Marriage

2009-07-19 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Since the sanctity of marriage is so important, it's time for straight couples to take some responsibility in this area. From now on, every time a straight couple gets divorced, 10 Gay couples will be allowed to get married. If one commits adultery, that means 20 Gay couples can get married. And, for each politician that has an affair, that automatically gives 100 Gay couples the opportunity to get married.…

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262 Hoarders

2009-07-15 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Let's face it...you want your house to look good for the holidays, but if you do it yourself it will be the home decorating equivalent of "Dyke in a dress". Fortunately for you there's still plenty of time to hire a couple of Gay men to get it done right. Not only will your house make it on to the cover of "House Beautiful", but you won't have to worry about taking down the decorations after the holiday either.…

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261 Crazy in Love

2009-07-12 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Straight people are looking at the issue of Gay marriage all wrong. The money spent on Gay weddings, including the wedding planners, the party decorations, the tux and gown rentals, flowers, cakes and honeymoons alone are enough to bring this country out of the worst recession we've had in more than 50 years. Throw in the amount of money that will also be made on divorces, and the government will in the black in no time.…

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260 Little Pricks

2009-07-09 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

After you've tried everything possible with western medicine, it's time to give some alternative techniques a try. Instead of spending tons of money on an acupuncturist, why not just grab a friend and do it yourself? Download a license from the internet, pick out some needles from your mom's sewing kit, get a 9-volt battery from the junk drawer, a crappy CD player and a nice heat lamp at Homo Depot. You're all set.…

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259 No Refunds

2009-07-06 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

One man's trash is another man's treasure. Even if it's a high heel shoe chair with leopard print upholstery, there is someone out there who simply must have it for their home. It doesn't matter if the thing has been on the showroom floor for the last five years, if it's been faded by the sun by sitting out on display or if it smells like piss because a dog peed on it when it went by on a walk.…

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258 Cut It Out

2009-07-01 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Having any kind of surgical procedure is serious business. It's not the time for your doctor to be holding a knife cutting you open and talking about what he watched on TV last night, whether or not Michael Jackson was wearing wigs or how hot it's going to be this weekend. The only thing worse would be if he got on Twitter and started giving the play by play.…

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257 Bigots

2009-06-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

The statistics show that 9 out of every 10 people are straight, which makes it likely that every one of knows at least one person in our lives that is straight. It's time for all of us to start accepting their cultural differences, to try to understand their lifestyle and to stop referring to their life-partners as their "special friend" at family gatherings. Most importantly, let's stop embarrassing them by asking what it is that straight people do in bed.…

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256 Generic Brand Shopping

2009-06-24 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Nothing says, "I love you" like shopping generic. Next time you hit the grocery store don't forget to pick up the generic six-pack of beer in the white can with nothing, but the word "beer" on it, the generic cigarettes and the generic tampons. She couldn't love you more, unless you also brought home the generic green beans.…

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255 Laker Girls in Thongs

2009-06-21 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

A major recession across the country, 11% unemployment in California, teachers getting laid off because of budget cuts and more people struggling to make ends meet since the Great Depression.... Still, the City of Los Angeles can somehow find $2 million dollars to throw a parade to celebrate a basketball team. Of course if the Laker Girls showed up in thongs, dancing on fire engines with stripper poles attached to them none of us would have complained no matter what they paid.…

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254 Lesbian Lingerie Chic

2009-06-18 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Nothing says sexy like a set of mismatched bra and panties, unless that same sexy set has a hole the size of a quarter in it. Instead of sitting there laughing and shaming your partner, why not turn it into a sexy shopping date where you pick out a few new sets of lingerie together? Or, you can just shame her even more by tossing her in the car, dropping her off at the store and making her buy it herself.…

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253 Gay Male Envy

2009-06-15 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

There comes a time in every relationship when the best thing to do to maintain harmony is to suck it up and do something you don't like just because your partner enjoys it. At times like that all you can do is take some extra medication, grab a huge cup of coffee, break out an extra six-pack, and man up...even if it means going to the theater.…

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252 Basics of Masturbation

2009-06-12 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Perhaps when parents give their children the talk about the "birds and the bees", they might add that the birds and the bees masturbate, too. That might be a way to prevent accidents, such as getting a fish stuck in your penis or having power tools inserted into your vagina. It might also help every straight women know what an orgasm feels like before they have to go and find their first Lesbian experience.…

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251 Gramps Dot Com

2009-06-10 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

We've all heard about people that get fired from their jobs or suspended from school because they stay up all night playing games on their computer and can't go to work or school for days at a time. What we never considered was that Gramps would get his first computer and start staying up late at night playing poker with people he's never met and that call themselves by names he has never said out loud in his life.…

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250 Agreeably Disagreeable

2009-05-29 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

No matter how hard we try to maintain a separation of church and state in this country, we will never be able to keep prayer out of our schools, public or private. On the day of the big exam students all over the school are reaching out and praying to any deity that will help them pass the test, even if they haven't opened a book all year.…

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249 Apology Accepted

2009-05-26 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Almost everyone has had a crazy ex, but not everyone has one that crosses the line into psycho ex. It's hard to figure out exactly where that line is, but comes somewhere after the point where they change their last name to yours after you break up, they start stalking you from three states away, and you need to take out a restraining order to protect your entire family, including your dog.…

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248 Ribbed For Her Pleasure

2009-05-23 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

The rules of successful one night stands are: never sleep with your friends, never sleep with her twice, never take her home to your house so that she knows where you live, never spend the night, and never take off any jewelry that you want to see again. As Lesbians we are simply doomed to break every single one of these rules no matter how hard we try. The least you can do is to bring your own dental dams.…

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247 Glow in the Dark

2009-05-20 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 8s

Why bother spending time and money trying to cure cancer or to stop the pandemic spread of AIDS? We've got lots more important things to do. There are dogs to clone and pets that we need to make glow in the dark. After all...we do have priorities.…

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246 Frau Lippenbrau

2009-05-17 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Freedom of expression is something that as humans we should all be able to enjoy. Feel free to fly your freak flag wherever you go. When you finally go to get your eyebrows plucked, however, try to be polite and at least bring an extra vacuum cleaner bag for the cosmetician who has to clean up all your hair they pulled off.…

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245 Miss Kuntafornia

2009-05-14 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

After all these years we come to find out that there was one more missing tablet that Moses forget to take down the mountain when he brought down the ten commandments. That eleventh commandment has now been found. It says, "Thou shalt not pose half naked in sexy red panties for Hustler Magazine if you plan on keeping your Miss California crown."…

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244 The Package

2009-05-11 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 20s

There's a reason why the U.S. postal rates are going up in price. It now takes four postal employees, three hours, three post office locations and one self-service postage machine to mail one single package. The cost of the employees to handle all that time, effort and customer service is not nearly enough to cover the amount spent in postage to mail one simple package.…

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243 Scooter Girl

2009-05-05 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

No matter where you shop, it's always appropriate to ask for the "Homo Discount" when you see a big ol' Muff Diver working behind the counter. If you don't succeed in getting a discount on your purchase, maybe you can at least get a date out of it.…

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242 Vampire Birds

2009-05-01 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

If you're going to be kept up all night by noises outside your house, it may as well be the neighbors going at it like rabbits. At least that way you know someone is having a good time....even if it's not you.…

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241 Playmates at Home

2009-04-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

As people become parents they are automatically endowed with a secret sixth sense. It's the ability to detect pornography going on anywhere within a 50 foot radius around their children. They don't need to see it, smell it, feel it or touch it. Somehow...they just know.…

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240 STD-Vite

2009-04-25 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Who needs to use an e-vite when you can send a message to a friend telling them they now have the same STD as you...and then invite them to a party at the same time? Of course, you may not need to buy as many snacks or drinks for the party since you may not have too many guests.…

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239 When It's Over

2009-04-22 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

When she tells you "I need space", what she really means is that she's really not that into you and that she intends on whoring around with anyone she can find. Of course, she won't actually break up with you, and you can plan on her living with you and sleeping in your bed for at least the next 12 months. That's just the mutant Lesbian gene at work.…

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238 Out, Loud and Proud

2009-04-19 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Studies show that LGBT youth are 2 to 3 times more likely to commit suicide compared with straight youth. Sometimes life can be overwhelming and you may feel like you're all alone. When you start to feel like you're the only one, just count 20 people that you know and realize that at least 2 out of 20 are likely to be Gay or Lesbian. Since you're one of them...all you need to do now is figure out who is the other one. If you need more help, call the Trevor Helpline at 866-4 -U-TREVOR.…

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237 Plague of Crickets

2009-04-12 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

You can blame global warming or even changes in the eco-system due to the way we've mistreated our environment. In reality those things have nothing to do with the biblical plague of crickets that's now driving us crazy. The real cause is the fact that Gay people are now allowed to get married in several states in the U.S. Congratulations Iowa!…

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236 Lick It Up

2009-04-09 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

If it smells like fish...maybe it is. If it smells like fish, but it's your date...maybe you need to take her to the gynecologist before you take her out to dinner. More good advice such as this...when you download the whole show. You're welcome.…

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235 Same Sex Kiss Day

2009-04-06 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Can't get a date? Yes, you can. Mark April 15 on you calendar so that you can troll all the Starbucks in town for Same Sex Kiss Day. If you're just coming out of the closet...or even thinking about coming out...don't worry about how people will know if you're a Lesbian or not. You're probably the last one to know already.…

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234 Eco Terrorists

2009-04-03 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Our future depends on a greener tomorrow and it's important for each of us to do whatever little bit we can to help preserve our beautiful planet. Of course, if the city you live in bans detergent that cleans properly because it has too many pollutants, then feel free to get in your big car, fill it up with leaded gasoline and travel to a store further away than usual so that you can burn more gas and send more emissions directly into the atmosphere.…

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233 Coming Out With Linda and Lu

2009-03-31 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Every LGBT person has a coming out story and every one is unique and beautiful in its own way. Some are sad, while others are heartwarming and full of joy. At the end of the day, there are not too many people who can say that their coming out story includes a discussion about whether or not their dad gives it to their mom in the butt.…

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232 Happy Ending

2009-03-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Most massage parlors you come across will be reputable establishments. There are a few, however, that provide those little extras such as the "happy ending". To keep yourself out of harm's way here are some red flags to look for: a lady with a nurse's uniform on who comes running across the parking lot at a strip mall to flag you down, a stripper pole in the middle of the room, or a tube of KY next to the bottle of massage oil.…

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231 In Love With My Dildo

2009-03-24 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

It's ok to love some inanimate objects. Lots of people love their cars, their purse collection or even their favorite dildo. It only crosses the line when you actually marry the Eifel Tower, have public sex with a carnival ride or inappropriately caress a piece of fence post in your family room in front of your mother.…

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230 H8: Still Angry

2009-03-21 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

One universal truth stands the test of time for Gays and Lesbians all over the world. The one thing that can put a smile on our faces no matter how angry we are is to hear the Gay anthem "We Are Family" from Sister Sledge. Go to iTunes right now, download the track and then play it at top volume from every speaker in your house. Make sure the windows are open and that you're singing along.…

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229 Sea Monkeys and Mouse Dicks

2009-03-18 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

It's a guinea pig's wet dream. Living next door to 24 hot girls who all come into heat at the same time. It doesn't really leave a guy a lot of choice, but to take care of business and then sleep for the next two days. Next time you think about getting a pet try Sea Monkeys instead.…

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228 Sexting

2009-03-15 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Back in the day it used to be easy to share naked photos of your friends. All you needed was a cheap camera and a friend at the drugstore who would develop the pictures for you. Now all you have to do is snap it on your cell phone and text it off to all your friends. The only difference is that now you can get arrested and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life.…

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227 Scatology 101

2009-03-11 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 16s

It only takes one time for you to tune into late night TV with the plethora of infomercials for countless products you've never heard of before to turn you into a believer. All of a sudden your skin can be clearer, your tomatoes will grow even larger, you'll build muscles you didn't even know you had...and you'll be able to shit out every toxin that ever inhabited your body. You've been warned.  Listen at your own risk.…

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226 Respect Your Elders

2009-03-08 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Even if you travel all over the world you'll notice that there are certain signs that we all intuitively know and that transcend language. We all know the blue sign with a traiangular shaped woman that signifies the ladies room or a red hexagon sign that means "stop". Then why is it that more people don't recognize the universal message you're sending out when you put on a pair of headphones when someone sits next to you and seems like they want to talk?…

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225 Missing Porn Collection

2009-02-25 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Karma has an interesting way of making things right in the world.  What's worse is that when you're married, your mate may even have to pay for your evil deeds. It's gonna be a real bitch when you get the payback for that porn collection you stole from your friends when you were younger.…

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224 Muddy Doormat

2009-02-22 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Once again...Craig's List proves that there really is someone for everyone. If you're looking for that perfect girl...the one that let's you treat her like shit, the one who lets you spend all her money, the one that likes it when you leave beer cans and take-out food all over the house until it rots...you'd better hurry up and answer that personals ad. She probably already has a line around the block waiting to take her out on a date.…

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223 Lulu's Vagina

2009-02-18 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

The conservatives were right when they said that if we let Gay people get married, the next thing we'll want to do is have sex with our dogs and maybe even marry them. Now we have to take our dog, Lulu, to a therapist so that she can use the stuffed therapeutic dog toy to show the doctor where she's been touched.…

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222 V.D. Again

2009-02-14 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

On what should be the happiest and romantic day of the year, people can still prove themselves to be insolent, vicious, rude pigs. That's when it's time to break out the big guns and show no mercy at all. Go out shopping with the worst case of gas you've had in years and when the rude bastards come near you...just let it rip in the most silent, but deadly way possible.…

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221 Tramp Stamp Bingo

2009-02-11 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

It may be cold outside right now, but summertime is just around the corner. It's not too early to start thinking about long, hot days at the beach and all the fun you'll be having in a few short months. You may want to start planning right now for those lazy days hanging out on the beach blanket playing Tramp Stamp Bingo.…

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220 Eight is Not Enough

2009-02-08 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

With the recession going on in California, one enterprising woman has found a way to make a cool, easy $2 million as the new baby expert on "Oprah". With 14 asses to wipe, 14 mouths to feed and 14 kids to send to college, she's going to need all the help she can get.…

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219 Dyke-A-Do

2009-01-28 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Next time you're thinking about getting that cute new haircut that you saw in a magazine...take a few minutes to ask yourself one very important question. Is it the hair cut that you like or is it the thought of the haircut model between your legs that's really calling out your name?…

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218 I Vag You

2009-01-25 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

Millions of new ideas are born every single day. People with entrepreneurial spirits are always coming up with new and exciting products or business opportunities that could be the next big thing. Of course, they all know someone who is an expert at crushing their dreams right from the start so that their money-making ideas never even have a chance to hatch.…

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217 Roxanne For Mayor

2009-01-22 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

If you're going to run for a public office you'll need a platform to run on. You'll need to have a point of view and some important issues to inspire people to vote for you. You have to give the people something to believe in, even if your campaign is all about stopping people from shitting in public.…

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216 Spin Off

2009-01-19 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

Lesbians all over the world were outraged last Sunday night to find out that they would have to endure another season of "The L Word" with the vile and insipid Jenny character. The only saving grace is the possibility that we'll get a new Lesbian series with Leisha Hailey as someone's prison bitch. Read all the details of the new series at www.shewired.com.…

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215 Homo For The Holidays

2009-01-14 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 13s

The mother-daughter bond is unique in many ways. Whether she was the one who squeezed you out of her birth canal, the one who brought you up or the one you simply lean on for support, she'll always be "Mom". She's the one who knows exactly how to push your buttons, how to make you feel guilty about almost anything and the one who makes sure that therapists will always have a job.…

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214 Little White Lies

2009-01-11 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Sometimes we wonder where today's kids went wrong...why they lie, why they have trust issues, or maybe even why they have psychological problems or other trauma in their lives. It never occurs to us that all those lies we told to them when they were growing up might have something to do with it. Instead, we keep propogating the myth of Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and some overweight rabbit that lays eggs.…

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213 Girlfriend For Sale

2009-01-04 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 12s

Studies show that the majority of pedophiles are straight white males. Apparently, straight males also build robots that they can screw and even marry. With all this going on...it's hard to believe that anyone is worried about Gays getting married.…

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212 Pet Sitting

2008-12-27 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Some people treat their pets as their children. That means you can never call someone's pet ugly...even if it is. Next time you're pet sitting, make sure you have some compliments ready to go just in case you need them. Here's a handy one to use on just such occasions: "Oh! Your baby has such pretty hair!"…

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211 The Perfect Gift

2008-12-23 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 10s

Statistics show that more relationships come to an end during the holidays than at any other time of year. This year you can make a difference and save your own relationship by not being a selfish pig. Forget the practical, useful gift that she can use all year. Get her something useless and expensive instead. You're welcome.…

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210 A Difference of Opinion

2008-12-14 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 9s

Opinions are like assholes...everyone has one. The funny thing is that we're going to look rather odd walking around with two. That's going to make people talk.…

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209 Vegan For a Day

2008-12-11 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 14s

Becoming a vegan seemed like such a good idea at first. You were going to save the world, end hunger and stop global warming. Next time, instead of being so self-centered and selfish, think about your friends who can't stand going out to dinner with you, who can't ever invite you over for a meal and who have to think of new and exciting ways to serve up Quorn just because you won't eat anything with eyes.…

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208 Exploring is Half the Fun

2008-12-08 :: 2homos@2homos.com (Roxanne and Virginia)
Length: 11s

It's off to college and time for your first real Lesbian experience. Make sure you take the time to do your research and studying beforehand so that after the first time you make sure you come away with all A's and head directly to the top of the class.…

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