Inferno Reviewed Part 1 of 2
Robert Langdon, famous professor of pedantry and mystery solving, is back with another amazing mystery symbol art treasure mystery hunt book. Will he solve the puzzle in time or will he stop, explain something, and then solve the puzzle in time?
But in a totally new and original way to start a book, our hero has already solved the mystery but then he had amnesia and so now needs to solve the mystery again. As he battles against an all-powerful, all-knowing organization to solve the mystery he has to decode symbols, cite obscure books, talk about Dante A LOT.
Will he win? Of course he'll win! Just make sure you don't invite him to a party because he is annoying as all hell.…
Fifty Shades Darker Reviewed - Part 2 of 2
It turns out, no matter how many shades of grey there are, it's never going to be a colorful story.
As 50 Shades of Darker limped across the finish line, EL James added a couple of little plots to justify writing a third book. A skeezy boss blows up Charlie Tango the helicopter and then lurks in the bushes. But does anybody care? It's hard to, when so many pages are dedicated to Christian lurking in Bella, er, Anna's bushes.
Besides those few pages of excitement, 50 Darker is split evenly. 25 shades are them having sex and 25 shades are them arguing about stupid shit. It's the most dysfunctional relationship since Ronnie & Sammie in the Jersey Shore.
Most importantly, this book has taught us to stick to our guns. If you want us to read the last book, it'll cost you $1,000.…
Fifty Shades Darker Reviewed - Part 1 of 2
We swore we wouldn't read the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey. We swore we wouldn't. Then you guys pushed and pushed and pushed and we finally gave in. And then we swore. A lot.
There are only a few things we've read that are worse than Twilight, but the S&M-filled bit of Twilight fan fiction certainly qualifies. In this second installment, Christian and personalityless-girl get back together. They have sex. And they fight. And then they have sex. And then they fight. Those two things happen for 10 hours of audiobook. Some minor plot things happen either while they're having sex or while they're fighting. And then it's over and nobody is better off.
We take a few minutes to discuss our survival strategies for things that are this bad (it doesn't help much) and we revisit our love for dinosaurs and things about butts.…
Fast and Furious 6
There's nothing more exhilarating than driving a fast car. Well, maybe there is. Making the same movie 6 times and getting paid each time is just as good.
Meet Dom. He's the leader of a gang of criminals who drive cars quickly and with angst. They can stop any adversary, so long as they battle on the open road and driving quickly and with angst is rewarded.
As luck would have it, an international terrorist has stolen a MacGuffin and plans on driving it around at highway speeds. Sounds like a job for the quick and angsty gang!
The two groups drive cars at or away from each other for 2 hours, Vin Diesel and The Rock act with their deltoids, and everybody is happy in the end. Join us again next year for the same movie with a number 7 in the title.…
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon Reviewed
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon has all the trappings of a wonderfully bad movie. It's shot on location in a weird place with lots of local actors, all the voices are dubbed shoddily, the main actress is a stripper, and it relies heavily on stock footage of sharks. It's pretty hard to go wrong with a shark movie, and this one, try as it might, is no exception.
When two attractive, single life guards find a suspiciously big shark tooth, they have only choice: talk to a smoking hot expert on dinosaur sharks. When the original owner of that shark tooth (a huge shark) gets hungry and starts eating people as they make out topless on the beach, they only have one choice: chase him down with guns and then have sex to let off steam. These forced actions all add up to a deliciously sharky movie that's right up our alley.
Oh, and it has the greatest line in movie history.…
Lost. The title tells you everything. The characters are lost. You are lost. And all hope of a satisfying ending, that's super lost.
But there's also a certain addicting nature to it. Who's gonna die next? What other group of people is going to suddenly appear on the island? What happens if they don't type the code? Will they or won't they (eat the fat one)?
Once you've seen lost, it also changes the way you look at every situation. From now on when you get on an airplane, you'll start looking around wondering, "If we crashed, who would be able to survive an incomprehensible plot about magic and polar bears?"
There is nothing more impressive than a stand-up comic: standing up there alone, just a person with a microphone and some jokes. Or in the case of Punchline, a person with a microphone, a nun costume, a locker downstairs, and some jokes(?).
Punchline follows Tom Hanks as a great comic (who gets lots of laughs that seem undeserved) and Sally Field as a bad comic (no laughs well deserved). As he slowly goes crazy because he's not famous enough he teaches her how to actually be funny and in the end everybody's happy. Except Polish people.
Professional touring stand-up comedian Gabe Rutledge joins us to talk about the parts of the movie that seem least believable (a good show in a hospital) and most believable (file not found). And most importantly why loves this movie (something about a juggler).…
A Goofy Movie Reviewed
It's impossible to tell if stuff from your childhood is objectively good, so I'm not going to try with this. But subjectively, A Goofy Movie is a whole lot of fun, despite it's weird dog-hybrid world of race relations.
Maxamillion Goof is the son of Goofy Goof of Disney fame. Despite this rediculous heritage, Max is cool and hip and has the baggy pants to prove it. But will a whopping lie told to impressive a new girlfriend tear his family apart? More importantly, will him and his dad sing stupid songs during a road trip to see doggy Michael Jackson? Oh yes they will.
For David's guilty pleasure, we also watched some 80s R&B videos.
Here's a creepy picture of Goofy sans gloves that will flip your world upside down.
The Mystery Method Reviewed
Attention nerds. Do you want to sleep with lots of women? All you have to do is dress like a dork, tell canned jokes, and lie about everything in your life. In these three easy steps, The Mystery Method will get you laid.
Remember The Game? Not the delightful Michael Douglas movie. No, not the game where if you think about it you lose. Not the rapper or the CW series or the BET show. The other The Game. The book about pickup artists scamming women at bars into sleeping with them. This is the book by the magician from that book. He calls himself Mystery and he is a terrible person.
The key to the Mystery Method is
 "neg" women (insult them to their face)
 "peacock" (dress badly)
 Use a TON of jargon
And most importantly,
 Don't let them ever find out you're following the Mystery Method.
If that sounds like something you'd be interested in, check out this book. But it probably doesn't because if you're listening to our podcast, you're not that guy.
Alex mentioned his recent podcast appearance on Pati-oh Pati-no where he talked about this book and how he has the worst porn name.…
Gilmore Girls Reviewed
Remember the WB? Yeah, me too. It had such great shows as [file not found]. It also had some not great shows like the Gilmore Girls, the pop-culture-referencing, bad-relation-example-setting, will-they-or-won't-they drama comedy set in small town America. It's a delightful romp if you like bad jokes, bad boyfriends, bad moms, and bad coffee.
It's Nick's guilty pleasure, so you know he does.
Speaking of Nick, make sure you check out his sketch show Planet Town. It's very funny.…
Center Stage Reviewed
Dancing is hard. Writing a coherent story is hard too. There's only room in this movie for one of those.
Center Stage follows the lives of several new recruits at the most competitive ballet school in the country. Life at the school is so intense, the students are driven to crazy behavior like smoking, sassy dialog, and casual sex with guys who promise cookies but don't deliver.
Almost everybody at the school looks the same except the guy who looks like Ichabod Crane which adds an interesting dynamic to the world. The characters are pretty trite, but the dancing is cool. And the over dramatic dialog is pretty enjoyable. You can see why this is Sarah's guilty pleasure.
Bonus: Check out read-weep.com/justdance for a list of our favorite shitty dance movies.…
The 4-Hour Chef Reviewed
Do you want to learn to cook but don't know where to start? Timothy Ferriss will teach you just the bare essentials, from buying ramekins to selecting the best tactical knife to cut up the pigeon you just captured in the park with you bare hands. Just the essentials.
Noted crazy person Tim Ferriss is back with another book in his bullshitty titled series "The 4-Hour ______." This time it says "chef" on the cover but is really, like all his books, about name dropping and bragging about his sex life. There's also a section on memorizing playing cards, killing squirrels, getting dogs to hump you, throwing up ice cream, and oh yeah, a bit on cooking. If you want to fake your way through any of that stuff, this is a book you could read but still shouldn't.
Just like we did last time, we're going to try out a couple of Timothy's ideas on our blog Body By Bullshit. We'll be
 Eating at five restaurants in a single day.
 Making cigar-infused hot chocolate.
 Making balsamic pearls with agar agar.
 Eating eggs in the style of various countries and then making up facts about those countries.
[bonus] Trying to capture a pigeon with our hands.
Read along and make sure to pre-order Gabi's book about pizza dough. It looks awesome.…
The 4-Hour Chef
The Host (Movie)
From the woman who brought you Twilight and a lot more Twilight it's a story almost entirely unlike Twilight. Instead, it's about a girl who is torn between two men because of a sci-fi trope that is being used to set up a romance novel and everybody has weird eyes. Okay, fine. It's another Twilight.
The Host is the movie based on the Stephanie Meyer book of the same name. It follows Boring Brunette as she deals with having a small alien implanted in her brain stem. Mostly she deals with it by whining about how much she misses her boyfriend. She reunites with him, there's some more moping, and eventually the alien is pulled out and put into a red head who looks like she's been crying a lot. And everybody gets a boyfriend!
The male characters are hard to keep straight because they're all basically the same person, the lead is so similar to Kristen Stewart we call her K. New, and the plot is so clunky even the teenage girls in the audience seemed bored. And it's better than any of the Twilight movies.…
Atlas Shrugged Part 2 Movie
Just like Atlas Shrugged the book drags on for far too long, so does the movie series. Despite the first movie being universally panned and losing a ton of money, the producers went ahead with plans to make a sequel. Since they can't change the source material (the source of all their problems), they decided to focus on recasting the movie with a whole new crop of actors. A sequel with no distribution and no returning cast members? These guys are on the fast train to the top!
Dagny Taggart, now 15 years older and a blond, picks up right where she left on movie 1: fighting the good fight against the government and the moochers who are holding back real Americans who just want to make as much money as possible regardless of who it hurts. Along the way her fellow job creator / rapist (well, in the movie it's all consensual but it wasn't in the book) Hank Rearden, they keep businessing their business all over the place. Meanwhile, a mysterious man is kidnapping successful people. Drama? Nope. Something about a plane crash and then... we'll just have to wait for the final movie.
Given that Ayn Rand celebrates people who are good at their jobs, it's amazing to watch two movies be made so incompetently based on her book which is itself incompetently written. Nobody involved in this production would be allowed to go Capitalist Heaven in Denver. Nobody.…
"The Illuminatus! Trilogy" is the annoyingly punctuated book series by two former "Playboy" writers (apparently they had writers--the world before the Internet is weird) who decided it would be fun to imagine a world where all conspiracy theories are true. It is not fun.
The book follows a series of overlapping, underlapping, and/or completely unrelated stories that may or may not involve the Illuminati, the Discordians, a sex cult, a small town jail, two homocide detectives, and a talking dolphin who befriends a giant yellow submarine. These stories are impossible to keep track of, switch at random, and are unreliably narrated by a 3rd person omniscient drug addict who has the same voice as most of the characters. The Illuminati may control the world, but they have no control over plot structure.
Most importantly, the book features a series of hideous sex scenes that have ruined the physical act of love forever. Thanks, secret society.
Note: If you have ideas for how Alex can use Amazon to make himself happier, click here.…
Would you want to know when you're going to die? Would you want aliens to tell you when you're going to die? Would you want aliens to tell you when you're going to die through a complicated system of numbers, whispering, and smooth rocks? Would you want aliens to tell you when you're going to die through a complicated system of numbers, whispering, and smooth rocks and then steal your son away to force him to repopulate another planet with another child and a couple rabbits? Me neither.
That's precisely what happens to Nicolas Cage (the world's second best actor) in Knowing. And by precisely, I mean approximately, because it's not really clear what the aliens are doing and why. Also it's a pretty big surprise that the aliens even show up; about 3/4 of the way through this movie it changes from The Shining to Contact with no warning at all.
There's this creepy kid who scratches numbers into walls with her bloody fingernails in the 1950s. She predicts the end of the world but nobody knows it until Nic Cage comes along and decodes her list of every major and some minor catastrophes up to and including the end of the world. The aliens who told her all this then save a whopping 2 children from earth right before it's destroyed. It's an uplifting tale if you're a clairvoyant alien who is excited to steal children.
Most importantly, this movie lacks a traditional Cage Freakout, and replaces it with some hurried driving and telling people to wait in cars. What a disappointment.…
19 Kids and Counting
You know how if you see a family in an airport or a restaurant with 3 kids you start to wonder, "Are they starting a cult or something?" In the case of the Duggars they have 19 kids (give or take) and the answer is yes. Yes they are.
The Duggar family lives in Arkansas and they made a pact to "let God decide the number and timing" of their pregnancies. Of course, they're still choosing when to have sex, and God has responded by deciding "lots" and "all the time." They're part of a creepy religious movement called quivering in which lunatic Super Christians create entire softball teams out of their own wombs.
Just like every family that is at the top of their game, the Duggars got a show on TLC where they hang out and have lots of kids everywhere. It's not exciting, it's more than a little disturbing, and sometimes it's just an hour-long commercial for a hotel in the south. Watch what happens. Maybe you'll learn something (like just how badly you want a vasectomy).…
Deadliest Catch Reviewed
Somewhere on the world's most violent and dangerous ocean, brave men fight for their lives while pulling a bounty of red gold out of the icy cold water. They're crab fisherman and holy hell are they cool.
In our third Guilty Pleasure episode, Alex exposes us to one of his favorite shows, Deadliest Catch. It's the finest example of the genre "Reality TV about people working hard that you can watch while you're sitting at home wearing slippers." Alex loves it, and everybody else... thinks it's fine.
Alex takes the roll of Clairezra and explains it all, including why he likes the show, which captains are the best, and why he always roots for the crab. He also answers your excellent questions in our last Host Chat. And he is really, really excited to be talking about this.…
Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire Reviewed
Somewhere between the second and third Star Wars movies, there was a lot of extra stuff that happened. Fortunately, there was a series of books that could pick up all this amazing space battling and name dropping: The Expanded Universe series.
Chris used to read a lot of these. Like a lot. So when we decided to do guilty pleasures he knew exactly what he wanted: to hear Chewy growling, light sabers buzzing, and space lasers firing (pew pew pew!). The audiobook captures all that perfectly, an abridged version complete with voice acting and cheap sound effects!
Meet the new character, prince somethingorother, who is trying to kill Luke. But so is the Empire. And that's pretty much it. So they battle in space. It's exactly what you know and expect.…
Ezra's Guilty Pleasure: Timecop
The place is Washington DC. The time is 1994. And 2004. But 2004 looks like what 1994 thought 2094 would like, but actually looks like 1994 covered in extra gray plastic. The person is none other than Jean-Claude Van Damme and he's here to kick time travel in the face.
For the first of our three-part series of guilty pleasures we tackle Timecop. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but boy is it a fun romp. Lots of face kicking, neat time travel tricks, and the retro future all contribute to this classic. If you can suspend your logic, you'll like it for sure.
Ezra also answers lots of questions about himself, which is a pleasure that doesn't make anybody feel guilty.…
Snakes on a Plane, Formula 51, and The Man
On January 12th, our entirely west-coast-based staff assembled in New York City for the first annual NYC Podfest. We opened the festival with a bang only clips of Samuel L. Jackson movies could provide. It was awesome.
If you missed it, here's the recording. The audio might be a bit dodgy because of the liveness of the show, and you won't be able to see the brilliant clips we played, but you know that from previous live shows. And I still think you'll enjoy it.…
A Discovery of Witches Review
The one thing Twilight was missing was witches, right? This book fixes that problem by having a vampire and a witch fall in love. It's almost amazing the innovation that exists in modern literature.
Diana Bishop is a librarian (exciting!) pretending not to be a witch and studying alchemy in England when she accidentally uncovers an ancient manuscript that holds the secret to... something. We're not sure. But everybody else in the world is super excited to get their hands on it (and her) starting with a morally flawless and totally hot Vampire named Matthew. They date and piss off all the vampires and witches.
While participating in several boring activities (wine tasting, rowing, yoga) the two discuss the history of magical creatures and then they leave the country whenever something is about to happen. The book ends in the middle so they can sell sequels. Fun.…
Amish Mafia Reviewed
Some things are too good to be true. Fat free ice cream, human space flight, and a show called Amish Mafia. Okay, the first two are kinda real, but Amish Mafia is definitely absolutely 100% fake.
The show (which admits is at least partially "reenactments") follows Levi (anagram of "evil"!) who is not fully Amish and so is able to enforce Amish law using methods that would probably break it. He and his minions shoot up a car that damaged a buggy, they burn fake Amish furniture, and take bets on illegal barn fights. Also they're dumb as plows because Amish education ends at 8th grade.
Hillarious comedian Tyler Boeh of LA joins us as we try to figure out what's real, what's fake, and what's an abomination in God's eyes. In our eyes, it's all an abomination.…
Jersey Shore Finale
There are many things 2012 will be known for, but I think it will mostly be remembered as the year Jersey Shore ended. No, I take that back. Nobody will care at all that Jersey Shore ended. Yeah, that's what I meant.
Everybody's favorite meatballs (not counting actual meatballs, which are much more entertaining) hit the home stretch in the second half of season 6. And boy do they look the worse for six seasons of this crap. Everybody's tired and sad and their faces look like they were tea bagged by an elephant.
As they fade into the sunset, The Situation is sober, Snooki is pregnant with what's sure to be a gifted and talented child, Ronnie and Sammi are thinking of moving in together to create domestic bliss, Deena is mostly out of Jail, and Vinnie and Pauly D are both still 100 times more charming than everybody else. Everybody wins. Except America. America lost hard core.…
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, The Santa Clause 3, and A Muppet Christmas Carol
It's the most wonderful time of the year! Except for summer. And Spring break. And my birthday. It's one of the top five most wonderful times of year!
It's not so wonderful for Santa in Santa Claus Conquers The Martians ,where he is kidnapped by people of Mars (who look like earth people but with green face paint and steam-punk helmets). But in the end, Christmas is saved by a goofy alien and some precocious kids!
It's not so wonderful for Ebenezer Scrooge in A Muppet Christmas Carol, where he is a bit too grumpy and doesn't celebrate this particular religious holiday so everybody makes his life terrible. But in the end, Christmas is saved by three ghosts, one who looks like a preemie baby in a bed sheet!
It's not so wonderful for Tim Allen in The Santa Clause 3, where he has to fight Jack Frost the douchy broadway star / theme park magnate. But in the end, Christmas is saved by a little red head hugging an old man.
Merry Christmas if you celebrate. If not, sorry for adding more shitty Christmas media to the world.…
Surely we must be running out of crappy young adult fantasy books trying to cash in on the success of Harry Potter. This time it's a satanist vicar and a Jamaican kid. What's next? Vampires and werewolves kissing?
Shadowmancer is the story of a couple kids who get roped into fighting against the devil when a beautiful boy from Africa (but his accent sounds Jamaican on the audiobook) shows up and asks for help getting his doll back. The doll has been stolen by the town vicar who secretly is really super evil.
Uh oh. What's that? When you dance with the devil he doesn't let you lead? Shocking! Well now everybody's fighting for their lives against the beast. That's fun.
G. P. Taylor really did write this as a response to Harry Potter. Except he didn't notice that what made HP good wasn't just that there were kids and magic. It was good writing, a sense of fun, characters that matter, etc. Without those, you've just got a convoluted mess that might be trying to convert kids to Christianity. I suspect it won't work.…
Super Mario Bros. Movie Review
Many people have fond memories of Super Mario Bros. Nobody has fond memories of this early 90s campy movie.
It's like the creators thought the only important part of the game was that the main characters were plumbers. Nothing else is the same. The names have changed, they're not twins anymore, the dinosaurs are people. It's like if somebody made a movie out of Sonic The Hedgehog starring a horse who collects candy.
Add to that multiple directors, constant rewrites, and a cast that was drinking through the whole experience and you've got the making of a RiaW classic film. New York film student Ben Kegan joins us to talk about the movie's finer points and video game designer Jace Proctor joins us to say racist things about Italian people.…
Death Bed: The Bed That Gets Reviewed By Us
Once you decide to name your movie Death Bed: The Bed That Eats is that you never have to explain the premise to people. "It's a bed, Larry. It eats. How hard is this?"
On the other hand, don't ask anybody to explain why the bed eats people. "Because it's evil, Larry! And hungry."
Such is the plot of the 1977 no-budget horror film that we review in this episode. It's as delightful and bizarre as it sounds. A series of women, many topless, lay on the bed and get sucked into the sheets and then digested by some bubbly yellow fluids. Apparently it had something to do with a demon who made the bed to be a sex bed but then accidentally killed somebody on it and his tears turn the bed evil.
There's nobody better to talk to about a movie like this than Matt & Kseniya of the 'zine I Love Bad Movies.…
Breaking Dawn Movie Part 2 Review
IT'S FINALLY OVER!!! I can't tell you how excited I am that the Twilight Saga is over. Okay, I'll tell you. Very. I'm very excited the Twilight Saga is over. So excited I made a cartoon and a rap summarizing Breaking Dawn.
And barring Steph Meyer writing more books or the movies being rebooted or any number of other things, we're done forever. Now all we'll have to do is read all the fan fiction that's gotten turned into actual fiction. Sigh.
For the final installment, Summit Entertainment did a couple interesting things. First, they added a huge battle sequence that didn't happen in the book. Sure, it's just a dream battle sequence, but it's still awesome. Jasper's head gets ripped clean off. So great.
They also added a long, wedding-video-esque ending saying goodbye to all the actors. It's stupid, but it made the people in the theater cry, so that's fun.
Thanks for everybody who called to say goodbye to Twilight.…
Breaking Dawn Review Part 4 of 4
And with that, it's over. Twilight is over. Unless Stephanie Meyer writes more books, which she's threatened, but WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!
Breaking Dawn doesn't end with a climax, like a normal book would. Instead, some tense negotiations lead to everybody getting what they want. Yay! The Twilight series is like March. It comes in like a sad lion at the zoo and goes out like a sad lion at a zoo.
In other news, Bella has a baby and they're both allowed to live (?) which means she's super happy and nobody in the story has grown or changed except Charlie's mustache which has grown a bit but was trimmed back to avoid it changing. GOD I HATE THIS SERIES.
Twilight, it is with that I say to you, goodbye, good riddance, R.I.P., and yuck.…
Breaking Dawn Review Part 3 of 4
The first half of Breaking Dawn is bananas. The third quarter is straight comedy.
Bella is a vampire, and this only makes her a more annoying version of herself. She can think about nothing much faster, bite her lip much harder, sigh and whine much more perfectly. Everybody sits around and watches the baby's mind movies and talks about how happy and in love they are. And there's some sex.
A note about the sex: did you know vampires do it non-stop because they don't need to breathe or rest? I know! Gross! And when they first marry, they do it for a decade solid and destroy whole houses with their love making. I know! An adult wrote that! I feel like we got Monkey's Pawed with the sex; we wished for it, but it was much worse than we could have ever imagined.
Stick around next week for the last episode about a Twilight book we'll ever have to do. Unless...…
What Really Happened Review
If you're ever running for president, do yourself a favor: don't sleep with Rielle Hunter.
I don't know if "What Really Happened" is true or not. But the sad thing is, if it is, Rielle Hunter and John Edwards are both stupider than what we ever knew. They're petty, vindictive, whiny, defensive, and most of all, dumb as an empty can of Mountain Dew.
Hunter is a former coke head and current "life coach." She thinks the rhythm method is a reliable form of birth control but doesn't know which part of the rhythm is which. She doesn't understand why people care about her affair with a man while he's running for president and his wife is dying of cancer.
Edwards has never used an ATM before, thinks spending campaign money to bring his mistress with him as he campaigns is a good idea, and had an affair with a "life coach."
Both of the them thought making a sex tape was a good idea. OH. MY. GOD. Why would you make a freaking sex tape? You are both the dumbest.
If you need to know what really happened, read the book. But if you'd prefer to not hear any more about these two insane people who don't deserve any more attention, then listen to this podcast and then forget about Rielle Hunter and John Edwards forever.…
Daughter of the Blood Review - Part 2 of 2
If the first part of Daughter of the Blood was all about men getting castrated, this half is the author trying to justify it. The second half is almost entirely about pedophiles.
Even the hero, who is saving the future witch queen from pedophiles, is himself secretly in love with her despite the 700+ year age gap. They don't hook up in this book, except in the spiritual realm, but he still fantasizes.
The only trouble with the summary I've written so far is it sounds clear. Daughter is not clear. It's the most convoluted battle between pedophiles and castrators you'll ever read.
Fortunately, with the help of the game One Change, we show that it could be salvaged. Just be standing by with a lot of kitten pictures.…
Daughter of the Blood Review - Part 1
If you have or like balls, do not read Daughter of the Blood. It's a fantasy book where women rule the world and, emboldened by their 30% pay raise, start chopping off some nuts.
Jeanelle is the young witch that has been foretold will rise to power in the dark world (which is called Hell but might not be that hell). Her family thinks she's crazy, but she makes powerfull friends like Saetan (who is the dark lord of Hell but isn't that Satan) who teach her the craft.
She also makes some powerful enemies like a couple of queens who I couldn't keep straight. The Jeanelle story sort of disappears for a while during which time a prostitute kills men who sleep with her (they're men, they deserve it) and the queens cut off men's balls for entertainment,
It's sick, disgusting, filthy, offensive, and really confusing. Don't read it.…
Aabra Ka Daabra Review
In a faraway land called India, the rules are different. People drive on the wrong side of the road, eat curries that actually taste like something, and make movies that are blatant rip offs of other movies.
One such film is Aabra Ka Daabra, a bizarre mash-up of Harry Potter, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Casper. Wizards are real, but the only way to get into wizarding school is by finding a golden ticket inside a biscuit. Once you get into this magical school, life isn't easy. You're picked on constantly and if you happen to lose at magic carpet flag ball, you might get expelled.
Then there's whole other weird debacle about a magician who is actually a wizard and was dead for a while but isn't dead anymore because he created the fountain of youth but he won't give it to Dumbledore-Snape (in this, the same person and played by a woman). She puts her soul into a bird and is defended by a purple skull bat that is the evil equivalent of the character that looks like Casper but acts like Tinkerbell. It's a mess.
For a full recap, read this episode's sponsor's version: http://telophase.livejournal.com/611027.html…
Wizard's First Rule Review Part 2 of 2
We hoped this book would get better. We really did. Partially because we're optimists, and partially because we had no idea that there was a 100+ page sex-torture subplot.
The second half of Wizard's First Rule features less walking and more magical coincidences. The good guys defeat the bad guys using all the skill, courage, and super convenient plot devices they could muster. Oh, and the bad guy is secretly the good guy's father. How original.
As excited as we are to learn about the wizard's second through Nth rules, we'll probably stop here. It was kinda fun at times, but all the dragon riding and spell casting is way diminished by the scene where the guy eats his own balls. Seriously. The wizard's first rule should be "The world is super gross."…
Wizard's First Rule Review Part 1 of 2
Lord of The Rings is pretty good, right? Terry Goodkind thought so too. That's why he ripped it off. For 900 horrible pages.
Richard Cypher is young not important person who is suddenly thrown into a long adventure with the help of his old wizard friend using the magic power handed down to him by Gollum.
Additionally, the book's kinda messed up. The main bad guy likes to kill people and play in their gore. His side kick is a pedophile. And the wizard falls in love with a one-footed bone horder. Gross.
We only listened to the first 15 hours of the audiobook. We'll see you again next week for more torture.…
Star Trek: The Next Generation - A XXX Parody - Review
We've reviewed almost everything at this point. Books, movies, TV shows, fan fiction, even the royal wedding. But this week we do something that we've joked about for a long time but never thought we'd have to. This week, a listener took us up on our dare and sponsored some porn.
And not just any porn. It's a high-budget (relatively speaking) plot-heavy (relatively speaking) masterpiece (relatively speaking. It's eerily like a real episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation except this one has lots and lots of sex on the holodeck.
Don't believe me? Check out this version on YouTube, which somebody took the time to post after editing out ALL THE SEX:
We've also got a super awesome guest this week, the hilarious and totally famous Jackie Kashian!…
A Celebration of Nicolas Cage
Early in the afternoon, on the first day of September, a group of Seattleites wearing wrist bands lined up outside of the Vera Project to see something special. Yes, it was a live taping of our podcast but more importantly it was a celebration of our second favorite actor of all time, the great Nicolas Cage!
We joined together as a community in celebrating three of Nic's finest works: City of Angels, wherein Mr. Cage plays an angel of death determined to have sex with Meg Ryan; Wicker Man, wherein Mr. Cage is murdered by a creepy cult to make the bees happy; and Ghost Rider wherein Mr. Cage... I'm not really sure. There was a motor cycle and a flaming skull. That's all I can figure out.
It was such a blast and we really appreciate everybody who came out and saw the show. We can't wait to do another live show.…
My Immortal Reviewed Kinda
It takes a lot to be crowned "Worst Fan Fic of All Time." It takes almost too much. So while My Immortal has held that title for some time, we are the anti-doping body and we're here to investigate.
My Immortal is Harry Potter fan fiction, imagining a world where Harry and the gang are all goth kids that wear eye liner, cut themselves, and have sex with each other all the time. Sometimes in front of Hogwarts teachers. It's a sad, scary world and the plot doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But as you read, little things start to stick out to you. The spelling is bad, but it's bad in a very particular way that feels purposeful. Characters from other works are mixed in, like Star Wars, and Lord of the Rings. Oh, and it's too funny to be an accident.
We comb over the work looking for clues like these and in the end, decide it is probably troll fiction. And that makes it both less good, and less bad, than we were originally led to believe.…
Three New Reality Shows
It's August again and that means time for TV networks to drop their biggest turds on America. This year we pick three fine examples of cheap summer programming.
Stars Earn Stripes is NBC's post-Olympic explosion fest. Fake celebrities shoot real guns at fake enemies. They win real money for real charities but mostly they just talk about how great the military is.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is TLC's spinoff of Toddlers in Tiaras. If you're the most messed-up family on T in T, you are a train wreck of epic proportions. And if you're a train wreck of epic proportions, you're on TLC.
Oh Sit! is a game show on the CW that you've never heard of. It's like musical chairs but ... more complicated. You'll never hear about it again.…
We've covered it all before on this show. Awkward new girl, love triangle, a human having sex with a magical creature, trolls, faeries, people with outrageous accents, the whole works. I guess a flower growing out of a girl's back that can be pollinated is kinda new, but it's hard to shock us anymore.
Wings follows the formula set forth in Twilight: a girl who doesn't know she's beautiful moves to a new town. With the help of two guys who fall in love with her instantly, she goes on a journey of self discovery. In this case the girl is the freak instead of the boy, but that's not a huge twist. It turns out she's a faerie and then, at the very end, some plot shows up.
Since we've done this kind of thing so much, we play Marry Boff Kill with other YA fantasy mainstays: vampires, fallen angels, and faeries. We also help people remember to tell their parents if they have plants growing out of their backs.…
Ice Rapper Movies
In our most specific topic selection to date, we dive into three movies featuring rappers-turned-actors with Ice in their names. Vanilla Ice melts our hearts in Cool as Ice. Ice Cube is solid in xXx: State of the Union, and Ice-T is totally chill in Tank Girl... where he plays a kangaroo with a $5,000 dick.
It's hard to say which is our favorite. V Ice is amazing in his 90s pants and his reckless acting. The movie makes about as much sense as the song "Ice Ice Baby" and is much longer. But there's something about him that's so bad it's good. Ice Cube is hard to like but fun to root for. Vin Diesel turned down the xXx sequel, so Cube jumps in as the secret agent with a bad attitude. And then some gangstas in souped up cars save America. Tank Girl is a train wreck and Ice-T is barely in it. But just like with the aforementioned kangaroo schlong, you can't look away.
It's joy on the rocks in this week's episode.
If you've got an idea for an ultra-specific movie marathon, let us know in the comments!…
Live Free or Die Review Part 2
In the future everything will be better. Increased wealth from asteroid mining, increased access to information through brain implants, and increased fun with space water parks. That is, unless you're a woman or non-white. Then the future pretty much sucks for you.
The second half of "Live Free or Die" continues John Ringo's meandering manifesto about the free market economy, and continues his themes of racism and sexism. A book of nearly a million pages, and not once is there a conversation between two women, err, sex objects. Africa, Asia, and the Middle East are completely destroyed by a form of biological warfare that only kills people who don't look like John Ringo. It's pretty bleak.
Fortunately, the surviving conservative white men have a dandy old time with their business ventures and giant laser beams. Life is good, if you're the 1%.
We welcome back Science Fiction Expert and all around good dude, David Barr Kirtley who tells us what the SF world thinks of Mr. Ringo's book.…
Live Free or Die Review - Part 1
First contact was peaceful. Then something went horribly wrong: a book that seemed like it was about the effects of meeting aliens turned out to be a really boring book about doing business in space interspersed with horrible sexism.
John Ringo's book introduces a near future earth where aliens have created a gate allowing ships from other galaxies to pop into and out of earth's orbit. The aliens that do so are either Randian capitalists or filthy communist aliens. When an extraordinary earthling discovers that aliens are willing to buy maple syrup (because it makes them trip balls) he quickly becomes rich enough to live out all kinds of capitalist fantasies. Intergalactic trading, asteroid mining, and telling government officials to piss off.
This libertarian wet dream isn't all fun and games. In fact, it's 0% fun and only 1% games. Lots of people get killed but they aren't white so the main character doesn't care. There are only two female characters in the first half of this book and one's only described as "stacked" while the other is a murderer. The future is bleak.…
Yor: The Hunter from the Future Review
The time: the past. Or is it? The setting: a cave man village. And a desert. And a space island. The hero: Yor. That last one I'm actually certain of.
Yor is a beautiful blond man who can do it all: kill a dinosaur, save a village, marry two women at the same time. Beyond that, I'm not really certain of anything that happened. Yor (the movie) is as horrible as Yor (the character) is awesome. It's a train wreck.
The fun part (aside from Yor's abs) is watching this cave man navigate in a confusing world. How will he handle discoveries about his past? How will he handle his wife's jealousy of his other wife? How will he handle finding out that he's not in the past, he's in the future and most of civilization has died off from nuclear war which somehow caused dinosaurs to come back?
Joining us to disect this tragedy is Gabriel Rutledge, the awesome touring comedian who you may recognize from Comedy.tv and Comedy Central's Live At Gotham. He's also got a very entertaining podcast in which him and his wife overshare.…
The Shark Spectacular - Deep Blue Sea, Jaws: The Revenge, and Shark Tale
Live from Portland, OR it's the Shark Spectacular, featuring reviews of Deep Blue Sea, Jaws: The Revenge, and Shark Tale. It's three epically bad shark tastes that taste great together!
Joining us at the lovely Action/Adventure Theater was Stephen Humphrey, the editor of the Portland Mercury.
At this show we unveiled our brand new Space Shark t-shirt which you should buy immediately.…
The Celestine Prophecy Reviewed
A mysterious manuscript has surfaced in Peru. No, it's not the 8th Harry Potter book, it's some kind of religious text written by the ancient Mayans. Does it give us insight into this lost culture? Does it predict the end of the world? Nope and nope. It's the first written example of long-winded hippies.
The Mayans wrote their ancient text, inexplicably, in Aramaic, the language of movies about Jesus. It's broken down into 9 "insights" that range from "be nice to each other" to 1960s psycho babble about power dynamics in relationships to claims that vegetables are more nutritious if we love them harder. The Celestine Prophecy follows a couple of interchangeable characters as they search for these insights and measure each other's energy. Every once in a while the Peruvian government shows up and kills people.
If this book actually existed, it would be completely uninteresting. But it doesn't. Instead, this is a book about people reading a philosophical work and agreeing with it to each other. It's so boring, there's only one reason anybody would read it... because a hot chick asked them to (or in our case, a guy asked us to read it so he wouldn't have to and could still talk to his hot chick about it). We're here to help.…
The Prisoner Reviewed
One day you wake up in a serene island village. You don't have to work, the taxis are clean and prompt, the food is good, and they play chess with humans. Sounds awesome, right? The only catch is you can never leave because if you try, a weather balloon will kick your ass.
That's the predicament of #6, our hero, who retired from being a spy only to be kidnapped and held prisoner on an improbably expensive torture-island. In each episode #6 makes a pathetic attempt to escape while refusing to sell out his country to a rotating group of interrogators. The Prisoner is chock full of 1906s awesomeness from satire of the press to psychedelic drugs and outfits to fear of computers.
Although everybody on the panel liked the show at least a little, our requested guest Stephen has the especially difficult task of making fun of one of his favorite shows of all time. It's delightful and weird, just like he is.…
The Lost Continent
Holy crap, you guys. Where did we put that continent? We had it just a few minutes ago. Remember, the one with the Spanish inquisition, sexually aggressive sea-weed, giant crab fights, and a Sarlacc Pit Monster? Yeah, that one. I think we misplaced it.
Fortunately, a group of scoundrels traveling by tramp steamer across the mid Atlantic is bound to run into it. After they abandon ship during a hurricane only to un-adandon ship hours later. After half the crew mutinies and then dies trying to leave the ship. After their cargo of water-sensitive explosives gets soaking wet and doesn't blow up. Life is about the journey, not the destination, so that was as good as it's gonna get.
Once the scoundrels find the lost continent, they immediately try to lose it again. But only after a top-heavy lady helps them overthrow a 12-year-old puppet dictator. Confused? Me too. It's true what they say, they just don't make 'em like this any more. Why would they?
Thanks to Nancy for sponsoring!…
There is a planet in a distant solar system called Krull. It seems to have 12 residents including a giant spider lady, a cyclops, a magician, a kid, a couple old people, and a young king. And yet, The Beast wants to take it over. Maybe to mine it for its main resources: loneliness and sets made out of foam.
Krull is a light saber in the stone epic, following the story of Prince Colwyn who gets promoted to king after his whole family is slaughtered on his wedding day. His army has only swords and the enemy has laser guns, so it seems like they're doomed but then an old man from the hills tells him about the Glaive, a magical spikey frisbee that can only be wielded by a true king.
Then a road trip movie ensues as Colwyn meets some wacky characters and tries to find a castle that teleports every morning. He does get there and kills the beast (Kill the beast! Kill the beast!) and it turns out his wife can control fire with her mind, and boom. Everything is happy in the kingdom. Except that it's still a shit hole and nobody would ever want to govern it.
Thanks to Blair for sponsoring this episode!…
The Avengers (1998) Reviewed
Avenging hasn't always been exclusively the power of 2012 CG super heroes. For a while, it was done by people with cheesy accents and hard-to-follow plot lines.
In 1998, a big budget adaption of the 1960s TV show The New Avengers was almost released, but then at the last minute it was cut from two hours to 90 minutes and pushed back into late summer and more abandoned into theaters than actually released. Unsurprisingly, it didn't do very well.
Despite having such fun actors as Sean Connery, Uma Thurman, and, with a grand total of one line, Eddie Izzard, the film is dismal. It's quirky without being funny, is thrilleresque without being thrilling and is British without seeming smart. Thankfully, it's short enough that we have plenty of time to go off on tangents about polar bears, super heroes, and the economics of bear costumes.…
Atmospheric Disturbances Reviewed
It's rare to hear Alex admit he likes something, even when it's genuinely good. But for something of questionable quality like over-hyped Atmospheric Disturbances by Rivka Galchen, it's almost like he's been replaced by a physically similar but altogether alien podcast host.
Galchen's book follows Dr. Leo who is convinced his wife has disappeared and been replaced by a nearly identical copy. The replacement is just different enough that he can't stand it so he sets off on a journey around the globe trying to find his actual wife. He falls in with a secretive group that claims to control the weather. He eats Hungarian pastries. Lots of quirky things happen. Nothing gets solved.
This week's question for the Facebook page: Do you do it with the dog in the room?…
Skippy The Bush Kangaroo Review
Before watching this show, the only thing I knew about Australia was that the toilets work backwards. Now I can add a second piece of knowledge: kangaroos are magic.
Skippy is a 1960s kids show from Australia designed to teach kids to respect animals by showing them a kangaroo that fly in a helicopter, fight bad guys, understand English, carry morphine, and bet on horse races. The show is set in a fictitious national park and focuses on the park ranger's family, a kangaroo, and a blond girl nobody hits on. It's charming in small doses, but we had to watch 12 episodes in a row and very few shows can survive that dosage.
The show is also painfully episodic. Nothing is happening, something happens that threatens Skippy or Sonny, one of them goes for help, everything works out. We use that knowledge to create our own episodes of Skippy. We also discuss possible remakes, kangaroo genitals, famous Australians, and no-stir peanut butter.
Our sponsor today is the co-host of a podcast about religious topics by two ex-Catholics: meatmutant.com.…
Manos: The Hands of Fate Review
There's only one movie that Mystery Science Theater 3k said was too bad even for them. Fortunately for them, they never had to watch the inevitable film adaptation of of Fifty Shades of Grey. Like our other experiences with movies commonly considered to be the worst, Manos was surprisingly fun.
Somewhere in the Texas desert, a family of amateur actors stumbles on a hand-themed sorority with a meth-head-butler and a guy with a mustache who orders everybody around. After some arguing and a brief chase scene, mustache forces the meth head and the male actor to switch places. Thus is Manos: The Hands of Hands.
We try to determine our own fate by discussing our love for, and the tragedy of, Torgo. Never has a minor character so stolen the show as this loveable sader. We also try to summarize the movie in under 10 words and fantasize about a Downton Abbey / Manos mash-up.…
Fifty Shades of Grey Review - Part 2 of 2
If there's one nice thing to say about Fifty Shades of Grey it's that it has a happy ending. The two characters who have nothing in common (except for a burning feeling in their junk) do not end up together. For that one page, there is something to celebrate.
Unfortunately it took us another 500 pages of them not breaking up before we could get there. So for another episode we stumble through the gross, uncomfortable, inane sex and sex talk of Christian Grey and Anna Steel. There's a glider flight, some more stalking, somebody hits somebody with a belt. I don't remember. But it was boring. I can tell you that.
Thanks to Drew and Jen who sent us a cleaned up version of part of the book that we read for all the kids in the audience.…
Fifty Shades of Grey Review
There are a few sentences I never thought I'd hear myself utter. "I'm not really in the mood for ice cream." "I'm so glad to hear you're a fan, Mr. President." And most importantly, "This book is worse than Twilight."
Fifty Shades of Grey began its life as Twilight erotic fan fic. And at some point, the author decided it should be a book of its own. So she changed the names, took out the vampires, and streamlined it into pure porno. Even that's not fair, because sometimes porno has plot and character development, which this book doesn't. Also, pornography treats women better.
Anastasia Steele is a 21 year-old clumsy virgin. By chance she meets Christian Grey, a 27 year-old sexual predator and business magnate who wants to make her his sex slave. Since he's the first attractive man to be nice to her, Ana thinks this is an okay way to be treated. While they're determining the parameters of their BDSM relationship, they have lots of vanilla (which is a delicious flavor) sex. And then they talk about the sex they had or are going to have next. Then they have some sex. And then they talk about it. Turns out, it's the worst.
To get some perspective, we bring back Sarah Wendell, she of the book about romance novels. Even she couldn't get through this one. That should tell you something.…
Hush, Hush Review
Hush little baby, don't say a word. Daddy's going to disappear leaving a gaping hole in your life that can only be filled by dating a man who don't treat you well. And 80% of the way through the book you'll find out that man's a fallen angel.
Let's face it, we're all living in a post-Twilight world. Everybody and their love triangle is writing young adult romance about a new guy at school with a secret. Hush, Hush just another in the line of book series about such a new guy. This one just happens to be about an angel, which you don't know for a really long time except that you saw the cover of the book so you were pretty sure. It's not better or worse than Twilight, because it's exactly the same book.
The only redeeming thing about this book is nothing. Thanks a lot, Sarah, for sponsoring this and forcing us to read it.…
My Little Pony Review
My Little Pony raises some difficult questions. Why are some ponies magical unicorns, others are flying Pegasuses, and some are just small horses? Why does the princess unicorn get to decide where everybody lives and what they do for a living? Why do they keep baby dragons as slaves? Because they're ponies, is the only answer, and pony life isn't fair.
It's not all bad in Ponyville, however. Every day is a holiday; there are more feasts and parties than residents. And every 22 minutes, all the problems of the day have been solved, no matter what. Sure, some of the problems don't make much sense, like ponies having to clear out winter while raccoons and squirrels get to sleep in their dens. But there's always a solution to be found and a lesson to be learned, even if that lesson is "I'm so glad I'm not a pony."
Despite its flaws, there is a certain charm to My Little Pony. It's sincere, cute, and occasionally funny. One of the main characters is dumb as manure, and that's always fun. There's a foppish river dragon with half a mustache. It's fine. It's not good as good as you'd expect, given the fact that everypony on the Internet has a poner for it, but it's a pleasant ride.…
Before there were drawn out elections for national leaders, with debates and attack ads, people did things the easy way. The king was the man who pulled a magical sword forged by a river maiden out of a large rock.
Don't let the delightful premise fool you. Excalibur is not a happy romp through medieval legend with occassional squirrel-mating, like in the Disney movie. No. It's an epic of awkward sword fighting in armor, incestuousness, fog machines, and metal skull caps. It's filmed in the forests of Ireland and despite having some great actors, is mostly just weird.
Avery Monsen joins us in our confusion about the plot, tells us about his dreams, and is charming and fun as always. He's got a new book out called All My Friends Are Still Dead and it's delightful. Go buy it now.
Thanks to Nancy for sponsoring this episode!…
Titanic 3D Reviewed
In 1997, James Cameron made a movie. In 1999, when the third act was finally over, people went home pissed.
If there was one thing you might suggest was wrong with Titanic, you might say "the dialog" or "the pacing." You might even say something like "the characters aren't believable." In fact, you could probably list problems for hours before you'd come to "it was only in 2D." Well, Cameron decided to fix only that "problem" in his release to mark the centennial of the worst disaster to ever lead to a movie with Kate Winslet's nipple in it.
Fortunately, the best parts of the movie remain as well: the aforementioned nipple, Kate Winslet's face, her figure in a period dress, and everything about Leo DiCaprio except his acting. Really, there are worse ways to spend 7.5 hours than watching Titanic 3D. But I wouldn't recommend them.
Oh! I almost forgot. This episode also contains an interview with Titanic expert and author of The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane, Katherine Howe. For the first time, we get to interview the author of a book WE MADE FUN OF! Besides being a terrific human being, she's also got a new book out that has Titanic elements and themes in it. So please go out and buy The House of Velvet and Glass.…
Sarah Palin: The Undefeated Review
Sarah Palin is the subject of much scorn from the liberal media; they call her stupid, dishonest, crazy, and extremist. This movie sets out to defend her by being all those things and also boring.
Stephen K. Bannon's film watches like a Sarah Palin stalker film. She doesn't appear in it voluntarily, but instead he uses her audiobook to provide narration AS IF she was helping with the movie. Then, he uses hundreds of stock-footage clips to make up the visuals, thus managing to produce the entire thing with iMovie and a membership to istockphoto.com. The slap-dash production only adds to the insane feeling of the whole project, but the crowning achievement of the movie is completely skipping over the fact that her and Senator John McCain lost the election in 2008. It focuses on her time as governor and her popular campaign appearances, but then takes an abrupt lunch break during results time.…
BONUS! RiaW After Dark: The Hunger Games is Problematic
Sometimes we want to have a discussion about a topic that isn't super hilarious. The Hunger Games was such a movie. Although it was enjoyable, we all had some serious problems with it that we wanted to discuss.…
The Hunger Games (movie) Reviewed
In the year 2 thousand and a while from now, a tyrannical government keeps its people in line by forcing their children to fight to the death, showing those fights on TV, and by using shaky cameras and quick cuts to make sure everybody watching will be a bit sick.
But the future isn't all bad. Novelty facial hair abounds, the food looks pretty tasty, and there's plentiful high speed rail. Even the death matches aren't all bad; the kids are beautiful and have great make-up that doesn't smudge even during the fiercest battles.
Since the movie was pretty good, we decided to invert our normal format. We start and end with a hate sandwich and play a compliment game in the middle. We also bring back Gabi Moskowitz, the editor-in-chief of Broke Ass Gourmet, the blog and cook book about eating great on a tight budget, and ask her questions about the future of food. And cooking with land mines.…
Jack and Jill Reviewed
Apparently Adam Sandler looked at the Clumps movie and thought "what if I played my sister in a movie? Wouldn't that be great?" No, Adam. It isn't great. This movie stinks like the poop jokes you filled it with.
Adam Sandler plays the boy-half of two fraternal twins and then puts on a wig and plays the girl-half too. As twins, they're nearly identical: they both look like Adam Sandler and neither is any way funny. The two go through some trials and tribulations, most of which are fart related. Eventually Al Pacino sings a rap song about a coffee beverage, proving that the one talent Sandler has is getting important people to be in a crappy movie.
Joining us is Daily Show writer and host of the Flophouse Podcast Dan McCoy. He is, as ever, delightful.…
Without a doubt, the worst thing about The Iliad is that it doesn't have Brad Pitt in it. Wolfgang Peterson fixed that in his 2004 movie that has almost no basis in the works of Homer.
Troy completely re-imagines the epic poem about the Trojan war as an over-long action movie about people fighting for no reason. It also updates many things modern audiences would find boring. Instead of an all-stabbing war, the movie includes giant flaming balls of twine. Instead of a war without a Trojan horse, the movie includes a particularly plausible Trojan horse. Instead of women being property, they're people!
It was much less pleasurable than listening to the book, but that was mostly because it was a short nap instead of a good night's sleep. Joining us once again is our favorite British blogger, Kyra of FerretBrain.…
The Iliad Reviewed - Part 2 of 2
When we last left our friends, they were killing each other in front of the walls of Troy. After another 300+ pages, they're exactly where they started, though with slightly diminished numbers. But the Iliad, like so many things, is more about the journey than the destination, and like the band Journey, the Iliad tried my patience.
The parts that aren't boring don't make a whole lot of sense. Achilles doesn't want to fight because of some stupid slight against him, then his friend dies (in a war. Shocker!) and he fights. At one point he kicks a river's ass. There's a funeral that lasts 10 days and consists of horse racing and wrestling. War is hell.
In this episode, we've got regular guest Stephen Carter sitting in for the traveling Ezra, and special guest Nick Delehanty. The two most frequent guests, together at last.…
The Iliad Reviewed - Part 1
War between the Trojans and the Greeks is like the battle for my Internet service between the cable company and the phone company. Neither side has moral righteousness, nobody is ever going to be declared the winner, and people are constantly getting stabbed.
Yet despite the high level of stabbing, the Iliad is mostly about being boring. There are endless lists of people and where they're from, none of which are important to the story. There are speeches on speeches, mostly about how everybody should just keep fighting, just keep fighting. And the hunting analogies. Oh the hunting analogies!
Fortunately, even this great work of the Western canon, isn't safe from our ability to sleep through something and then make fun of it.…
A Caress of Twilight Review
Did you know that fairies like to have sex? I didn't either. Turns out it's pretty much all they do. They solve a crime here or there, try to kill each other to gain the throne, and they have lots and lots of sex.
A Caress of Twilight is the second book in a series of disgusting fairy porn books in which every kind of magical creature lives in LA and is super horny. There's some kind of political intrigue between members of various courts and ancient races of blah blah blah. And then there's more sex. You see, in order to get a fairy pregnant she has to have sex with everybody she meets for about a year, ergo couplings of all kinds are encouraged and described in great detail.
There's even a parasitic twin attached to a dwarf that can't talk but has fully functioning genitals. Have I talked enough about the sex? Because I want to ram this point home. Laurell K. Hamilton writes erotica about weird creatures. That's it.…
Three Sitcoms with First Names Reviewed
We are truly blessed to have three of the worst TV shows ever on at the same time. Rob, Whitney, and Are Your There Chelsea? are impressively bad. Have no doubt, friends, we are living in the.... what's the oposite of a golden age? Meat age? We are living in the meat age of bad TV. Rejoice! It's a race to the bottom of epic proportions. Will it be Rob's racism and criminal abuse of latina abuelas and Cheech Marin's career? Will it be Whitney's inability to make a joke and put John Cleese to good use? Or will it be Chelsea's.... uhn. I'm done. The always entertaining and likeable Bri Pruett helps us destroy these shows. Please someone give Bri her own sitcom already. It will be so much better than this. …
Cool Dog Reviewed
Be prepared to meet the coolest dog ever. He drives boats. He breaks up smuggling rings. He orders hot dogs for hobos for crying out loud. This dog is perfect.
Sadly, the plot and the rest of the cast are just not up to Cool Dog's standards. There's an evil step mother, a stupid bully, and a sea monster-esque landlady. They all suck, especially compared to Cool Dog.
Thanks so much to the Denver Comedy Co-op's podcast, The First World Privilege Hour for sponsoring this episode and having great taste in bad movies.
Joining us is comedian Anthony Lopez, who is freaking awesome.…
Toddlers and Tiaras Reviewed
We all know that some parents live out their dreams through their children. But it's one thing to know it and another to watch it happen in all it'srhinestoned, overly made-up sadness. Toddlers and Tiaras is another brick in TLC's plan to give every psychotic person their own reality show.
This show follows the lives of prepubescent pageant contestants and their mentally ill mothers who force them to compete. Each episode focuses on three young girls who are hoping to take home the crown for Ultimate Mega Jumbo Laser Supreme, the highest title in beauty pageants. In almost every case the children hate it but their mothers won't let them quit. As an added bonus, some of the moms suffer from another mental illness called Extreme Couponing.
There's only one person to bring on for an episode about at terrifying TLC reality show: Colleen. You may remember her from Episode #106 - Hoarders Reviewed and just like Hoarders, she's already watched this whole series. It's sick, but it comes in handy for our podcast.…
Ender's Game Review - Part 2
The second half of Ender's Game is less good than the first. Instead of playing laser tag in space, Ender exterminates an entire race of sentient beings, then gets all preachy about it. The kids who wrote political comments on message boards are given supreme leadership of the world. There are dirigibles. It's the future, and people ride in freaking dirigibles!
Despite the strange turns the story took, we focus on what's really important: the psychological impacts of all this killing on a child. And when it comes to children murdering people, there's only one person to talk to. You may remember Lisa from our review of The Hunger Games where she dispensed some great insight into the mass-murdering child brain.…
Ender's Game Review - Part 1
Ender's Game is a sponsored topic by an anonymous fan who hates the book. That makes him a better hater than us, since we had a tough time finding things not to like about genius kids playing laser tag in space.
Still, we do our best to find the hate. Allison Fields from Catwoman is on hand to speculate about a future where polar bears give back rubs along with actual science fiction writer and future overload David Barr Kirtley.
Honestly, we hadn't felt this good after a reading assignment since The Hunger Games... which also featured kids killing each other... hmmm... well, that's disturbing.…
Flowers In The Attic (movie) Review
If you look in the attic, you'll find flowers. It's true. But more interestingly, you'll also find four children who are locked in there being slowly poisoned by their mom. You see, Mom used to be married to her uncle and instead of hobbled British aristocrats, that marriage created adorable, well adjusted blond children. Grandpa the millionaire correctly identifies this marriage as weird and gross and disowns the lot of them. No big deal until Uncle Creepo dies mysteriously and Mom wants to win her father's love back so she can be rich.
Grandpa will only love Mom again if the kids pretend they don't exist, so they hide in the attic and suck at escaping. Eventually, he dies and puts Mom back in the will as long as she promises not to have any kids from her previous marriage. That's when the kids notice their food tastes more like arsenic than it used to.
It's a pretty creepy concept, but the 80s horror movie passed through so many creative hands, it lands just south of coherent. Most importantly, the sexual tension between the kids is unsettling. Oh, and mom somehow gets strangled to death by a wedding dress.…
The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane Review - Part 2
First the good news: The second half of this witch-book had actual magic in it. It also had the end of the book, which meant we could stop reading.
The bad news is the book was still pretty boring. There was an extended scene involving balancing a colander on some scissors and asking it yes or no questions. Colanders, as would be expected, are terrible conversationalists.
Still, joining us is the ever-delightful Amanda Leinbaugh from Skepchick who is able to unleash her grad-student know-how all over the scientific inaccuracies of this book.
Plus you get a real-live witch trial.
Jen, once again, Merry Christmas from Drew. He's an awesome guy.
Drew, no refunds.…
The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane Review - Part 1
The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane follows intrepid Harvard grad student Connie Goodwin as she looks for a magic spell book from colonial America... very slowly. We're halfway through this novel and so far Connie thinks the book might exist. Somewhere. Maybe.
Basically, if you were a fan of the first 10 pages of Harry Potter before anything good happened, and hoped that it would take roughly 6 hours to read through, you'll love this. For anyone else, it turns out this is the perfect book to take a nap to.
Joining us is Mike, a real-live history grad student who does his best to class up the podcast with some academic rigor.
Nick returns to the show and gives us insight into waffle cones, book-induced Lasik, and how many baths Demi Moore took when she was a Puritan.
Also, there might be witches afoot. Expect the amount of cackling to go up exponentially.…
The Santa Clause Review
It turns out all you need to do to become Santa is to kill the current Santa. To stay Santa, you just need to trick a frigid high school principal into marrying you.
Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) is a crappy father. But after mostly ruining Christmas, he has the chance to redeem himself by putting on the suit of Santa Clause, whom he recently murdered. Suddenly, he finds himself bound by a contract he didn't see to permanently become King Christmas himself.
Several elves (disguised as crappy child actors) explain all of this to him and all his problems as a father disappear.
Eight years later, in "The Santa Clause II", we learn about another clause of this totally-not-legally-binding contract: he needs to get married. Fortunately, he's able to use his santa-magic to make it seem like there's chemistry between him and Elizabeth Mitchell from "Lost". And something about an evil toy-santa dictator. I've forgotten.
Like most Christmas movies, everything is about the children and Christmas is saved. Unlike most Christmas movies, these both have lots of reindeer farting.…
Breaking Dawn Part 1 Review
As is typical with terrible books, the movie adaptation of Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer is an improvement on its source material. They significantly toned down the baby-dating, wife-swamping aspects of the book and focused on pretty visuals like a wedding in the woods and an island off Brazil.
Breaking Dawn Part 1 follows Bella Swan (the constipated Kristen Stewart) as she turns from an annoying teenager into a sex-crazed teenager, then into a pregnant skeleton, and finally into a pair of vampire eyes. During this transition, her ex-boyfriend/kiss-rapist Jacob Black (the triangular Taylor Lautner) leaves his pack of dog-people and puppy guards Bella until he sees the demon baby and decides (in a totally non-creepy way) that he must be it's body guard forever.
The movie succeeds in being less crazy and even has a couple of manufactured near-action sequences that make it more entertaining that the book. But if you're looking for a movie without K Stew and Robert Nipple Hair in it, you'll have to go somewhere else.…
Breaking Dawn Review - Part 2
Wow. Stephanie Meyer is all about the creepy in this book. Every step of the way something new and disgusting happens. I am almost convinced at this point that the whole Twilight saga was a big joke on the fans.
Bella's pregnancy is killing her from the inside, but Edward's mind reading ability lets them know that the alien baby loves them both. Since his plans to trade Bella's monogamy for an abortion didn't pan out, Edward Cullen focuses on making Bella and the alien baby healthier by having them drink human blood.
Not to be outdone, Jacob drives to Seattle to find love. When that brilliant plan doesn't pan out, he returns just in time for Bella to give birth. Edward chews through the placenta and Jacob falls in love with the newborn. Which is grosser? You decide.
Wife swapping, baby dating, placenta chewing, Bella's personality. It's a multi-way race for most disgusting thing Stephanie Meyer has ever come up with.
Oh, and Bella gets turned into a vampire and the pacing gets even worse.…
Breaking Dawn Review - Part 1
"Breaking Dawn" is the final book in the Twilight saga by Stephanie Meyer. Unlike the other books, which focused on Bella and Edward moping around and being all emo about nothing, Meyer opts for batshit crazy this time around.
For the first quarter of the book, "Breaking Dawn" follows the wedding nuptials of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. They tell Bella's parents, Alice dresses them up all fancy, they both say "I do" and then! And then! And then the moment we've been waiting four books for... they bone! And just like every other climatic moment in the series, Bella passes out for most of it.
The rest of this section is a confusing mess of Bella getting beaten up by Edward during sex, Bella getting pregnant with an alien baby, and then Bella getting beaten up by the alien baby. If Twilight has one message, it's that Bella needs to be hurt.
Most of this podcast is us just trying to understand all this grossness, only to find that the next section is worse. Much much worse.…
Wild Animus Reviewed
Reviewing Wild Animus did something strange to us. For the first time, a book was so bad, we actually felt bad for the author. Then we remembered we had to sit through 10 hours of nonsensical, acid washed audiobook. And we were angry. Then we noticed that Rich Shapero only had 32 fans on Facebook. And we felt bad again. Then we remembered he's giving the book away for free and it makes a good doorstop. So we felt better.
Wild Animus follows the journey of bat-shit crazy kid with a bit too much charisma for his own good. He seduces a young woman while attending school at UC Berkeley and convinces her to work full time as a waitress and give him all the money she makes so he can climb dangerous mountains in Alaska while high on acid and dressed like a sheep. For hundreds of pages, he dances around the mountain in his wool helmet, popping LSD like they were survival rations. All the while, he tries to write a terrible book about wolves and sheep named, you guessed it, Wild Animus. Finally, nobody is changed and everybody is exactly the same and the book ends.
They don't teach you this in school, but it's important to remember. Don't do drugs because it might make you think the book you wrote about sheep is good enough to publish. And it's not.…
In mixed company, it is unwise to mention that holiday specials are less than perfect. Everybody has their nostalgia-blinders on and can't admit the simple truth: It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is slow and weird. To soften that blow, we also reviewed to other "classic" Halloween Specials. One from Home Improvement and one from Scooby Doo.
What all three of these specials have in common is that nobody knows the true meaning of Halloween. While modern costume designers have decided "slutty" is the heart of the holiday, Scooby Doo (and his partner Scooby Dum) think it's got more to do with stop jewel thieves. For Tim Alan, Halloween is about scaring children, getting revenge on your son's ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend, and making tasteless jokes about Abe Lincoln.
For Charlie Brown and his pals, Halloween is about recycling tired material from a comic strip and taking acid-trip-inspired breaks to watch a dog fight a war against invisible French people.
Whatever you think the meaning of Halloween is, we hope you find it this year.…
Dead Until Dark Reviewed
Back in 2001, before there was a Twilight series, there was another set of vampire books, this one focusing on blood suckers in the deep south. Since Stephanie Meyer hadn't yet ruined the genre, this series focused on the things vampires ought to do, have sex with people and drink their blood.
Dead Until Dark is the first book in that series, and bloody sex is pretty much the only thing that happens. Vampires drink people blood, people drink vampire blood, vampires drink Japanese bottled blood, and everybody has sex with everybody else. All the while, there is a serial killer running around murdering waitresses. It's like a classic whodunit, if nobody really cared who dun it, but instead focused on fucking and exsanguinating each other.…
The Catcher in the Rye Reviewed - Part 2
Welcome back, students. Did you finish Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger? No? Well, let us tell you about it. He walks around New York and hates everything.
So we do the only thing we can do, we talk about the stuff he hates and about New York. For the former, we play Hatin' Caulfield where discuss people who need a running start to talk, making out in taxis, and Jello cups. For the latter, we brought in Avery Monsen, coauthor of the book I Feel Relatively Neutral About New York. He tells us about ducks, whores, and pizza.
We also discuss this amazing video of a monkey riding a bicycle with pants on. Monkeys with pants!…
The Catcher in the Rye Reviewed - Part 1
J.D. Salinger captured the angst of his age. Unfortunately, he created a whole new angst for generations of high schoolers that came after. Just like Mrs. Randolph did when I was in 12th grade, the fans forced us to read Catcher in the Rye.
You'd think reading a good book would disrupt the normal flow of this podcast, but it really doesn't. Alex finds something not to like and picks fights with the guest. Chris and Ezra are funny and smart but nobody can remember which is which. A guest who is smart is forced to discuss taints. It's really a very standard episode, just with a better text book.…
BONUS! Breaking Dawn Trailer 2 Reaction
We bring back Amy from the Glee episode and the four of us watch the new Breaking Dawn trailer. There are weddings. There is monster baby pregnancy. There are jean shorts. Like it or not, we'll be there when the movie comes out.
The trailer we watched is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1OHXR63a38…
Fox has always answered the tough questions. Who is the next American Idol? What would happen if some people got lost on an Island and then nothing made sense for six seasons? What would happen if some of the most annoying kids in high school were played by 30 year old broadway stars?
If you've always wanted to know the answer to that last one, Glee is the show for you. A group of super attractive and talented "misfits" fight for social survival through the power of pop songs, covered by Broadway singers and available on iTunes for a small fee. They sing, they dance, they go to New York to sing and dance, they put purple pianos around the school and then sing and dance. They have crazy love triangles that can only be solved by singing and dancing.
Since the show is so low concept, we decide to go the other way by creating some high concepts of our own: "unflinchingly neutral" "orchestral Gulag", and the ingenious "outuendo." Want to know more? Then strap in for a gleediculous ride.…
Catwoman (2004) Reviewed
The only bad cat video on the web.…
Catwoman (2004) Reviewed
Just look at her mask. You see how crappy that is? How it's weird and you're not sure why anybody thought it was a good idea? That's the whole movie right there.
In 2004, the woman of cat was split off from the Batman franchise, hoping to start a girl-kicking-ass super hero series of it's own. The only thing that got in the way was dreadful screen writing, stupid jokes, a nonsensical plot, bad acting, a confusing back story, a boring love interest, cheap looking CG, unlikable characters, a lack of onscreen chemistry, and a ridiculous villain. And probably a few other things.
Fortunately we skewer this movie and answer some big questions: Would cat zombies still be cute? Yes. What sport would be the cutest for cats to play? Rugby. Is Chris racist? Probably.…
Heaven is for Real Reviewed
Kids are so adorable. They ask questions we aren't brave enough to and they can't tell the difference between dreams and reality. Small town pastors are so adorable. They comfort people in their community and can't tell the difference between their kids' dreams and reality. And they write books about it.
When he was only 3-years-old, Colton Burpo had emergency surgery for a ruptured appendix. While under general anesthesia, he had a dream he went to heaven and Jesus won't let him have a sword and there were multi-colored unicorns. His dad believed it was real and, with help from the ghost writer of Going Rogue, writes a boring book about it.
We interview pediatric emergency specialist Dr. Brian about these events and, because we're children ourselves, poop and wangoplasty. And lastly, Jesus looks a lot like Kenny Loggins.
Jersey Shore Season 4 Reviewed - Part 1
Since the fall of Rome, things for Italy haven't been so hot. Things are about to get even worse as the cast of Jersey Shore has washed up on the beaches of Florence, ready to run amok. Hide your bambinos, hide your donnas.
After a glorious first couple of days trying to figure out the European streets, cabs, phones, and power outlets, the cast of New Jersey's most disgusting export gets back down to business. Drinking, screwing, and fighting. While The Situation tries to three-some the two-some from Florida (twins!), Ron and Sammi get together and break up, Deena falls down a lot, and Pauly D and Vinny continue to be likable and amusing.
Don't be surprised if these are the last Americans ever welcome in the beautiful nation of Italia.…
The Host Reviewed - Part 2
Good evening and welcome to the worst book ever written, with your host, Spineless McWhinesAlot. That's right, it's the second half of Stehpenie Meyer's "The Host" and it's like the first part except the sappy ending you've been expecting for hundreds of pages actually happens in this half.
Rather than flounder around the world of science fiction alone, we called in backup from author David Barr Kirtley of The Geek's Guide to the Galaxy on io9. He's a heavy hitter with a passion for the genre so we throw the dumbest questions we can think of about the dumbest book we could find. We even convince him to write a vampire romance novel on the one condition we can raise $1 billion.
It's been a long journey (for Wanderer and for us) but at least we're done and we can go back to watching Jersey Shore with it's no-host bar.…
The Host Reviewed - Part 1
What do you get when you take an annoying Bella clone and stuff it full of feelings and a parasitic alien? Boredom! Love triangles! Lava tubes! And further proof that Twilight wasn't a fluke: Stephenie Meyer really can't write.
Tanya from #92 - The Royal Wedding is back for more awesome as we introduce a new game: Fun or Not, where we weigh in on three-legged races, cooperative sandwich-making, and sexual relations with ice sculpting-bears.
Also in this episode:Star Wars references. Jokes involving genitalia. And lots of newspaper-based humor! …
Have you ever not wanted to throw something away? Does it sound fun to collect your favorite things? How about living in a house with no heat with piles of your used adult diapers? No? Then that's where you differ from the people on Hoarders.
This is by far the saddest show on reality TV this side of 16 and Pregnant. There's a sad woman who collects dolls, an angry man who collects toys, and an eccentric inventor who fills his 150-acre wildlife preserve with used cars. Actually, that last guy was kinda fun. But the rest of it is just terrible to watch. It makes you want to wash out your eyeballs and then throw them away because you've clearly been hoarding them.
Joining us for the first time since the 4-Hour Body is fan-favorite Colleen, a connoisseur of reality TV.
Also in this episode:Another Read it and Weep debate! A surprisingly long discussion about intimate relations with food products! A brand new Audible Ad! (May contain moose.) And some other stuff that I can't remember right now! …
Highlander II Reviewed
Highlander II: The Quickening is the rare sequel that's so much worse than the original that the series pretends like it never happened.
Chistropher Lambert and John C. McGinley race to the bottom for the worse voice ever, Sean Connery hits on women in the creepiest way ever, and Michael Ironside blows up a hobo for no reason.
By far the movie's biggest problem, however, was that the production's insurance company assumed creative control of the film. Don't believe what you've heard: just because you're good at insurance, doesn't mean you're the next Brett Ratner. Actually, maybe that's exactly what that means.
Luckily we have a lot of help. Kseniya and Matt from I Love Bad Movies bring their enthusiasm, wit, and for some reason, a willingness to sit through Highlander II.
Also, Lightening Bonus Round! (ding)…
The Hunger Games Reviewed - Part 2
Welcome to the exciting conclusion of The Hunger Games! Death! Romance! Lamb stew with plums!Unfortunately, Alex couldn't make this episode, so Chris and Ezra boot up their invention, the Alexbot, to take his place. It speaks in 1s, 0s, and HATE. But Alexbot's robotic sarcasm isn't nearly enough to counter how likable The Hunger Games was. There's a bloody mess, zombie dogs, psychedelic bees, and a love triangle that's only somewhat tacked on. Joining us for the first bit of gender balance ever are Destinee and Lisa. Destinee, of course, is a children's librarian, and famously impersonated two different versions of God in our episode on the Shack. Fan-favorite Lisa is now an expert on child psychology, so we pick her brain on how best to train kids to become ruthless killing machines. Also, "Shut up and eat your pears" is the new "I love you." Start using it now. …
The Hunger Games Reviewed - Part 1
Three out of four podcasters agree: this is the best book they've read on this show. Take a badass female lead, and place her in a futuristic dystopia with equal parts Miss Congeniality and Battle Royale. The result is totally enjoyable. Alex is reserving judgment until the end of the book, but we might be giving out our first favorable review. Hell, commence freezing.
Luckily we have some help to keep this lovefest interesting. Food writer Gabi Moskowitz of BrokeAss Gourmet gives us some helpful pointer on what food to eat in a sadistic reality TV show while on a budget.
We have recipes for the hearts of your enemies, sterilized water pairings to go with with raw bone marrow, and tear-cured rabbit. You won't want to miss it. (And if you just listen to the episode like you were already planning on doing, you won't.)
Rounding out the team is Matt Aliabadi, last seen shaking with rage after Sweet Little Lies. His extensive knowledge of Victorian literature and Star Trek: The Next Generation proves to be invaluable.…
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Do you like robots smashing into each other for 2.5 hours? You're going to love Transformers 3. Do you like a comprehendible plot, likeable leads, and anything that isn't robots smashing into each other for 2.5 hours? You're going hate Transformers 3.
We're not in None-More-Worse-Territory, but we might be in None-More-WTF-land. (It is a fertile land, one where the Michael Bays roam free without fear of encountering logic.)
Luckily, we have Andrew Johnson of Movie Chatter fame to help shoulder the load.
The movie features the return of Shia LaBeouf's Sam Witwicky, a sweaty, jittery little guy who somehow ditched Megan Fox and got a hotter, blonder, British-er version in Michael Bay's new pin-up, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Sam also has a talking robot space car. And a medal from Obama.
We're supposed to feel sorry for him because he can't find a job, his talking robot space car is too busy killing terrorist to hang with him, and Patrick Dempsey is cozying up to his new Megan Fox. It doesn't matter. Their petty relationship bullcrap is put on hold by the Autobots fightings the Decipticons... again. Also Leonard Nimoy is a Transformer now. And Buzz Aldrin is Buzz Aldrin.
There are some fun side characters (Alan Tudyk! John Malkovich! John Turturro!) but at the end of the day, it's a lot of robots wailing on each other and the third worst part of Indiana Jones 4 running around screaming. You could do worse with your time, but you could do a whole lot better.…
1st Annual Nicolas Cage Film Festival
The Family Man! National Treasure 2! Season of the Witch!
Welcome to the First Annual Nicolas Cage Film Festival. We are here to celebrate the man who can go from deadpan to rage to maniacal laughter in just under five seconds. We have a lot of love for this fearless actor.
Join us as we go Inside the Actor's Studio, dissect the many, many works that National Treasure 2 stole from, and critique severely flawed evil plans in Season of the Witch.
Also, RIAW superstar Nick Delehanty returns, and he brought his air guitar. It's about to get awesome.
And because it bears mentioning, we'll treat you to a rare behind-the-scenes interview with Jack Thomas, Nicolas Cage's Official Wig Wrangler.…
BONUS! Breaking Dawn Trailer Reaction
If you like your teen wolves shirtless, your controversial weddings sparkly, and your sex punchy, oh man, do we have a trailer for you.
Start playing the video at 0:22 seconds into the bonus for the best sync.
Also, did someone mention a lazy cat?
The Clip Show
Hax0red! The podcast has been hacked and replaced with a fan podcast, Hear it and Laugh. Super-fans Aleks Shindig, Andrea Sickles, and Anna Chandler invite self-promoter Stephen Carter on to talk about the first 99 episodes of Read it and Weep and to hear their favorite and least favorite clips from the show.
They also take on the most important question, has Read it and Weep jumped the shark? By doing a clip show without being very popular, surely the ship of podcast has run aground.
Relive favorite moments from Read it and Weep obscurity:Space Shark! Commodore Sickles! Racist alien rapists! Whale vaginas! Mustache and the Wig! and much more! Actually, not much more. That's pretty much it. …
Evermore Reviewed - Part 2
Evermore: in with a whimper, out with a whine. We finally discover that Damen is actually (gasp) an immortal, and sadly, not a Minotaur. He's also 600 years old and hitting on high school girls. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
In other news, Ezra powers through a record number of compliments, we delve deeply into the mythology of Care Bears, and there's a drunk eight-week-old kitten.
Skepchick's Carrie Iwan returns to finish out the book, which apparently is part of a 10-book series. Please, please don't make us read any more.
Assorted references:Die Hard Schrodinger's cat Communism And much, much more! …
Once in a generation there comes a Twilight knock-off that nearly matches the bland, annoying spirit of the original. Congrats, Evermore. You're almost as bad as the book you're ripping off.
Due to a technicality in the Read it and Weep by-laws, Ezra is forced to only compliment this book and swallow his hates. Will he explode under the pressure? Tune in to find out!
Joining the team is Carrie Iwan of Skepchick, bringing her incomparable wit and intelligence to a book that clearly does not deserve it.
Highlights of the episode include:A discussion of Vitamin Water product placements. Cake-xting, the new crazy where you text pictures of cake to potential romantic partners. Adding onto the list of things vampires can do well. The next sexy supernatural creature? Minotaurs! And much, much more! …
The director came up with concept for Burlesque after watching a Pussycat Dolls show... because that's where all great ideas come from.
Christina Aguilera wants to sing, dance, and wear the kind of revealing clothing that just won't fly at her Iowa waitressing job. She takes a bus to LA, worms her way into Cher's failing Burlesque club, becomes a star, and we're treated to the music video for Lady Marmalade on repeat for thirteen times. If this sounds like a good time to you, you deserve everything that you get.
Featured in this episode is the triumphant return of Chris [Last Name Withheld], the triumphant debut of Portland comedian Amy Milshtein, and the triumphant rumbling of a Strippers vs. Burlesquers Rumble.
There are some potshots at Cher, an intriguing discussion of cookies and anatomy, and poorly-done celebrity impressions! Enjoy.…
16 and Pregnant Reviewed
"16 and Pregnant" is a show where 16-year-old girls are pregnant. It's truly the "Snakes on a Plane" of exploitative reality TV.
Mix in some family drama, a douchebag and/or jerk boyfriend, a laissez-faire approach to birth control, a dawning realization that the fun part of the mother's life is done forever, and you've got a hit show enjoying its third season of solid ratings. It's like watching MTV's version of "Precious."
With Chris [Last Name Withheld] enjoying a much-need vacation in [Location Withheld] so he can [Activity Withheld] with [Names of Astronauts Withheld], we needed some help from Sarah Hatheway, making her first non-Twilight appearance with us. Luckily, there were enough unlikeable teenage guys so that the transition wasn't too rough.
We also have an Inside the Actor's Studio for you with an actual actor. Our guest Jacqueline Baxter had the honor of playing an unwittingly pregnant woman on "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant," another show that's nothing but truth in advertising.
To round out the guests, we're joined by our old friend Taylor Johnson, who's doing a report on podcasts for his Master's program, making this show the first time anyone's ever watched "16 and Pregnant" to complete a Master's degree.…
Truancy! Drug use! Nudity kinda! If these things are shocking to you, then prepare to have your mind blown by Skins. If, however, you've seen any other movie or TV show about teens ever, including the original UK version of Skins, then prepare to drop your jaw and yawn slightly.
The main characters are either so smug you want to punch them in their acne-free faces, or so poorly defined that you can't remember whether you hate them or not.
Luckily, we have help from a real live Brit! The sparkling, brilliant, and accented Kyra from FerretBrain.com classes up the podcast with a brilliant discussion of zombie kids getting into all sorts of shenanigans. You won't want to miss it! Unless of course, your loved ones were recently turned into zombies, in which case this is probably too soon.
We're also unveiling our latest attempts at internet fame!
First, we have an epic video on the origins of Twilight's crappiness narrated by Sarah Wendell, famed romance expert. Enjoy.
Second, we're offering you a chance to have a guest spot on the podcast and go on a date with Chris. You're welcome.…
For 93 episodes, we've just given you the funny. We didn't really prepare you, loosen you up first, we just got right into the business. But some of you insisted you wanted to feel loved first. With that in mind we picked up our first romance novel. Much to our chagrin, however, it was just uncomfortable sex.
Fortunately, we were prepared. We had invited famous blogger and author of a book about romance novels, Sarah Wendell. She used her vast experience writing reviews of romance novels for her site Smart Bitches, Trashy Books to help us penetrate the depths of this novel. Penetrate it from any angle we felt like.
In case it wasn't painfully obvious from that last paragraph, this episode is classic Read it and Weep, combining insightful criticism with corny sex puns. Ew, corny. Yuck.…
What do you get when you combine a senseless murder, a shack, a lapsed Christian and the three or four wacky personalities of God? Hilarity! Or more accurately, mind-numbing conversations where nothing happens.
Mack is dealing with the murder of his young daughter when he gets a note from God (who goes by Papa for no reason) recommending a weekend getaway in a shack. Mack thinks this is a good idea. Mack is a moron.
There are surely books out there that make a compelling case for the existence of God and that go to great lengths to illuminate why bad things happen to good (or in this case, annoying) people. The Shack is not one of them. In fact, unless you're dying to know what it's like to have God talk to you about pancakes and diarrhea-causing side dishes, I'd recommend looking elsewhere.
But we have a celebrity-studded Audible sketch for you featuring a Smurf, cantankerously dead writer Ernest Hemingway, and the owner of a decently successful pizza chain. What's the common thread? Tune in to find out.
There's a also a press conference with alcoholism and racist deities. All of your questions will be answered, assuming they're the same questions we asked when we recorded. And they're probably not.
In conclusion, this is the worst thing to happen to shacks since NBA star Shaquille O'Neal made the movies Kazaam and Steel. And since his rap album. Man, it's tough to be a shack.
Our guest, Destinee, recommends the public library. And also this video of a kid rapping about god.…
The Royal Wedding Reviewed
There comes a time in every podcast's life, when it knows it's found "the one." In this instance, "the one" means "an event that's not a movie, book, or TV show that we want to try and review." We we saw Prince William's wedding to Kate The Very Attractive, we knew we were ready to make the leap.
For this episode, we recruited fashion expert and anglofile/Brito-phile Tanya to help us know when we're being too mean (calling the queen pudgy, it turns out, is over the line). We also use our well-honed debating skills to decide who is more awesome, Royals or Commoners.
Watch the whole thing for free online.
The queen, looking very much like a cake.
Pippa, looking very much hot.
An RAF guy with an awesome mustache.…
The Human Centipede Reviewed
You've heard rumors about it. Perhaps you've even seen it yourself. Either way, you know there's a bad idea out there and it's called The Human Centipede. It's only an hour and a half of film, but its effects will last a life time.
Set in an overly classy mountain home in Germany, The Human Centipede follows a crazy surgeon and his wacky experiment: sewing people together in order to create... a queasy feelings in the pit of the audiences stomach. Two of our three intrepid reviewers brave the storm, while the other one abandons his post and plays video games instead. Luckily film buff Ben Kegan joins us to balance it out.
There's nothing you need to know about the film that the poster doesn't tell you, as the characters are just as well developed in that single photo as in the whole 90 minute movie. And it's so gross, we can't even talk about it without hitting the fast forward button on our brains. Epic errors in judgment on today's episode of Read it and Weep!
Some teaser quotes:
"Let's talk about the spice mines of Kessel."
"If the only reason he liked you was he thought he could sew you to some other people, he's not really your friend."
Also, check out the episode of the web series "Duder" that Ben directed. It's funny and there's absolutely no surgery.…
Atlas Shrugged: Part 1 - The Movie Reviewed
After a fifty year wait, Atlas Shrugged is finally a movie. Kind of. It's a movie the same way YouTube clips of people talking in limos and building train tracks would be a movie.
The production values are just this side of a Lifetime Movie (Alternate title: "Not Without My Train Tracks"), but as an added bonus this movie definitively proved you can take a 1000 page book and cram that expansive feeling of boredom into a two-hour movie.
Not to worry though, as we took that stagey drama and made stagey drama-ade. Comedienne Bri Pruett, came by to bring the pain and the funny. If you're in Portland be sure to catch her on 4/22/11 at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival.
Also giving us a much-needed assist was the ever-insightful Comrade DougJ of Balloon Juice. Doug took the side of "pro-reason" in our first-ever tag team debate. Read it and Weep debates: Now with 50% more tags!
Lastly, we'd like to give a shout out to Brian and Erin, who provided Ezra with the second most appropriate snack imaginable during the movie: Limited-Edition Reagan Library jelly beans. (The first was Rearden Popcorn.)…
Betsy Bird and the Search for the Lost Alex
Something very strange is going on in Read it and Weep land. When Alex goes missing, Ezra, Chris, and Stephen have to call in celebrity blogger/ children's librarian Betsy Bird to try and find him. The most likely answer is that he's lost somewhere inside one of the most overrated kids' books of all time, so that's where this journey takes our heroes.
The Giving Tree, Love You Forever, and The Rainbow Fish are all terrible, but which book is Alex stuck in? Will our intrepid trekkers save him in time? How do you say Rainbow Fish in German? Tune in to find out!…
Battlefield Earth Review
L. Ron Hubbard's religion has lots of problems. But apparently, it was convincing enough to persuade his followers to do lots of stupid things. Things like giving him money, having babies in completely silent rooms, and investing personal fortunes in the production of one of the worst films of all time. It is this last foolish endeavor that brings us together today.
Buried deep behind a pile of makeup, fake dreadlocks, and nose-danglies towers John Travolta. He's the main force behind this movie being made, and also one of the least enjoyable parts of it, so we can blame him twice. Other bad parts: inconsistent technology, things that seem bad and then magically work out, and then, a nuclear explosion that destroys an entire planet of aliens who couldn't have all been jerks. If only someone would be so kind as to wipe out our memories of this movie.…
Jersey Shore Season 3 Part 2
Watching the Jersey Shore leaves you with a feeling that must be similar to waking up next to one of the characters from the show. The regret hits you right away. But then the hangover settles in and all you know is you need to be somewhere else as soon as possible or you're going to throw up all over the Situation's sheets.
Rather than doing what any sane people would do (running away), we've voluntarily jumped back into those polluted Jersey waters to finish what we started. It's an arduous process that is mostly about finding anything at all to pay attention to besides Ron and Sam's incessant fighting. We grasp at any and all straws. Like, for instance, Snooki's claim that the ocean is salty because of whale sperm.…
Gossip Girl (The Novel) Reviewed
Before there was the bad TV show Gossip Girl, there was the terrible series of novels by the same name. So if this is worse than crap, what is it? Shit? Well, as the book would say, it's shit with the smell of French perfume that the maid sprays around the house ever hour.
Narrated by an omniscient blogger, Cecily von Ziegesar's book has the descriptive depth of a Huffington Post headline, the psychological insight of TMZ, and the plot of Cute Overload. Fortunately, it also has another trademark of the blog world: brevity. Yes, at an easy to swallow 2 hours, the abridged audiobook gave us just enough to joke about and not enough to ruin our lives.…
Troll 2 Review
The reasons Troll 2 is so bad are the standard ones: stupid plot, boring characters, a director who didn't speak the same language as the cast, and actors who were literally on day passes from mental hospitals. I know what you're thinking, we already reviewed The Room. But no! This is even worse.
Troll 2 is our 3rd movie from the list of films commonly considered to be the worst of all time. The worst part is the trolls, which are actually goblins, and which look like they're wearing masks from a high school play. Then we learn that the goblins want to kill humans by forcing them to eat green desserts which turn them into salad puddles (or trees, depending on nothing, apparently). The result is so un-scary, I not only didn't pee my pants, I haven't urinated since. [Editor's note: You probably should get someone to look at that.]…
City of Bones - Part 2
Every time we read a book, we hope that the second half will be an improvement on the first. Sadly, with City of Bones, it's quite the opposite. We've gone from confusing and boring straight into incestuous and creepy.
When the main characters find out they're related, they don't despair, or even change their behavior. When the bad guy gets away and Clarissa's mom is stuck in a perma-coma, they don't seem concerned. When the book seems to be ending, the author doesn't bother to tie up even a single loose end.
If you're thinking about taking your mind on a vacation, stay away from this city.…
City of Bones Review - Part 1
City of Bones is undoubtedly better than Twilight, and it's better than Percy Jackson and the Olympians. In fact, it's way better than those two series. But when you set the goal posts that low, it's entirely possible for something to just lumber over them. And lumber this book does; it's clunky and boring, with complicated exposition and simple characters. Its actual dramatic moments are overshadowed by its high school drama and love triangle. Also, one of the characters turns into a rat and instantly becomes more believable.
How do you deal with a book so unimpressive? The way we see it, you can either make it way better or way worse. That's why we invented the game "Get Me Out Of Purgatory." It's like "One Change" meets "Race to the Bottom." We also brainstorm on other fantasy series that we'll probably have to read when they inevitably get published.
This week's show is also a battle of the titans, as we are joined by rival podcaster Dan McCoy. He's the producer of The Flop House, a remarkably similar podcast that might have copied ours, except that they came before us. Dan also has an animated web series, 9 AM Meeting, which is awesome.…
Never Say Never Review
You know what's sadder than one 26-year-old guy watching the new Justin Bieber movie alone? Four of them doing it in different parts of the country at the same time. I know you thought your life could never get this bad. Well, NEVER SAY NEVER!
Never Say Never is a movie about triumph over adversity. Like the way Justin Bieber dealt with not being discovered until he was almost 14. And then having to go a whole year between signing a record deal and making a bazillion dollars. Will he finish off this crazy rollercoaster of a year by playing to a sold out crowd in Madison Square Garden? Or will a mild sore throat cause him to ultimately... wait a few weeks before playing to a sold out crowd in Madison Square Garden? You'll have to watch to find out.…
The 5 Love Languages Review
Love is a many splendored thing. Sadly, Gary Chapman doesn't like any of those splendors. His view of love has been shaped by more than 20 years as a marriage counselor to old Christian couples who got married very young and don't have anything in common. He solves all these couples' problems using an easy two-step process:Make a list of things you want Tell your partner what you want
I know it sounds simple, but as we prove, Gary Chapman only counsels extremely simple people. But the book is also pretty sad. In Chapman's opinion, women have no physical desire for sex, but they love doing dishes. All men want is sex, and they hate talking to their spouses. These things are probably true, but it's pretty hard to listen to.…
Gigli (rhymes with really. As in "Really? Who approved this?") is summarized on IMDB this way:The violent story about how a criminal lesbian, a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold, and a retarded man came to be best friends through a hostage.
How could something like this possibly be bad? Well, for starters, Al Pacino is in the movie for 5 minutes and Ben Affleck is in all of the minutes. That's a poor casting decision. Other than that, the movie is just a mess. The plot is as confused as the female lead's sexual orientation. The dialog is muddy, and the score manages to contrast with the mood the entire time. All in all, it's a perfect movie for us to watch.…
Jersey Shore Season 3 - Part 1
It seems like only yesterday our cute little guidos and guidettes were getting drunk and punching/humping each other in Miami. Oh, how things have changed. Now, they're back in Jersey and they're really gonna live it up. And so are we. We try to gather everything we've learned about life in a game we call How To _____ At The Jersey Shore.
How do I start a fight with Deena? Laugh.
How do I apologize to my boyfriend? Pizza.
How do I get it in with Vinnie? Don't even try. He's too big.
All that and more on this fantastic episode of Read it and Weep.…
The 4-Hour Body Review
Every so often a book comes along that's so moving, we can't help but get involved. We didn't know going in that The 4-Hour Body was destined to be that book, but it was. Rather than just reviewing it, we're trying on some of the recomendations for a full month. You can follow our progress at Body By Bullishit.com.
In addition to challenging ourselves, we also took a long, hard look at the world Timothy Ferriss has created, especially focusing on why he's not dateable.…
Keanu Reeves - LIVE!!
For our first ever live show we tackled three great Keanu Reeves movies. This is the unedited recording of the night's festivities. Special thanks to Pat and everybody at ComedySportz Portland for the hospitality.…
Dianetics Part 2 of 2
The first half of this book was mostly boring and dumb, but in the second part, L. Ron decides to go full-on gross. No joke, Dianetics is almost entirely about abortion. It's messed up.
We do our best to fight through Hubbard's disgusting imagination by... totally giving in to it. We introduce our new breakout character The Incautious Vulva and our new national pastime Zygote Boxing.…
Dianetics Reviewed - Part 1
Dianetics is bullshit. Summary completed. Oh, you want more than that? Okay. In this episode we take on L. Ron Hubbard's work of idiotology. We use his fake discovery, "engrams," to make each other do silly things. We invite L. Ron on the show to defend his book in The Writers' Room. And now, a limerick.
There once was a man named L. Ron
Who hated psychology a ton
If you read his religion
You could only imagine
What kind of drugs he was on!…
3 Classic Christmas Specials Reviewed
A freak of nature, another freak of nature, and a bald child with severe depression.
Rudolph, Frosty, and Life's Punching Bag, Charlie Brown, are here to teach us what Christmas is really all about. Sure, there's presents and the magic of Christmas snow, but in the world of '60s animation, Christmas is about:Death by evil magicians Existential angst and sheep A criminal justice system based entirely on dentistry Toddlers who love the bible Hating people who are too dirty, too skinny, too sad, and too full of jelly Kids getting raised by absentee trombones And a definitive test of life through juggling and sweeping
Our guest, Dru, is still hilarious. Here's his website of awesome.
Happy iPod day, everyone. Hope it's a good one.…
The Star Wars Holiday Special - Reviewed
In this episode of the podcast, we jump into another movie considered by the Internet to be one of the worst ever made. But in this case, we find it.
The Star Wars Holiday Special is a filmic abomination so bad it makes "The Room" look like "The Shawshank Redemption." The only mildly interesting part of movie is the original 1978 commercials that are left in to the bootleg copy we watched.
After the compliment sandwich and a game of Hatebage, we debut a new segment, Guide Comics For The Blind. Because if we had to watch it, blind people should have to as well.…
BONUS! Stephen For County Coroner
Stephen is our political operative, embedded deep inside the Democratic machine in Washington... for now. What should he do after his current job is done? We think he should run for coroner.…
Sarah Palin's Alaska
Sarah Palin's Alaska is the first (and probably not the last) reality show about a lady who quit being governor to be more famous more of the time. In it, Sarah and her family kill fish. And... No. That's basically it. Oh, and she loves America. It's like One Fish, Two Fish, Red, White, and Blue Fish.
We make fun of it with compliments, hates, and a new game called A Beautiful Mind in which we try to figure out what's going on in a stupid person's head. Read it and Weep's Alaska correspondent Carl Brodersen calls in with an update about the things about his state that don't suck.…
Decision Points Reviewed - Part 3 of 3
The time has come for us to say goodnight to President Bush, so I thought I'd write him a poem.Goodnight, Bush, with your Decision Points Goodnight to the justices, you got to appoint Goodnight to your brilliant time in Iraq You were right after all, they deserved the attack! Goodnight to humanitarian escapades You almost cured everybody who suffered from AIDS And though as president you accomplished the least Just think you nearly fixed the Middle East! So goodnight to you, sir, even though you were failin' At least you are better than President Palin. …
Decision Points Reviewed - Part 2 of 3
For the middle third of his book, George W. Bush continues to point his ugly decisions at us. His ability to recall things from his presidency is on stunning display, as when his segue from the Afghanistan section into the one about Iraq was as confusing as his actual transition between those two wars.
We take his main actions from this section and have a four-way debate [editor's note: there should be a French word for this but I couldn't find one]. What was the biggest mistake George W. Bush is sure he didn't make?…
Decision Points Reviewed - Part 1 of 3
It's been several days since we recorded this episode reviewing George W. Bush's self-serving memoir. Just like him, we've learned nothing from reflecting on his presidency. But whereas he thinks he was an awesome president, we don't know what he is. So we try to figure out by playing a game called "Evil, Stupid, or Crazy?" Is Bush doing things that he knows are wrong? He's evil. Does he not know what he's doing? He's stupid. Does he think what he's doing is right because he doesn't see what's actually going on in the world? George W. Bush is crazy.…
The Power Reviewed - Part 2
The second half of The Power finally reveals Rhonda Byrne's true intentions. The greatest power in the universe should be used to get money, seduce husbands, and save on medical bills by dying of curable diseases. We attack all three of these plans by showing that a love-alanche doesn't necessarily bring a cash-alanche. And by relating everything back to cake. Will the Law of Attraction bring us cake? Tune in next week to find out.…
The Power Reviewed - Part 1
Today's guest "Kerr" has a mediocre blog - This Blog Has A Title.
Having already reviewed The Secret and failed to achieve fame, fortune, and magic, we embark on its sequel, The Power.
Rhonda Byrne tries to capitalize on her previous success by writing exactly the same book. As such, we make exactly the same jokes about it. Clarezra Explains It All in our new favorite feature, and clears up many confusing aspects of the book. Afterwards, we attempt to recreate the amazing audio book production by creating our own sound effects. For one reason or another, we imagine what it would be like to go down on Stephen "Jesus" Strasburg.…
Jersey Shore Season 2 Part 2
Jacewoww joins us again as we limp to the finish line with our favorite gang of Cheetoes. In this episode we force ourselves to take bold stances on the Maxipad incident, vehicular smushage, acid sweat, and death by hovercraft. Snooki further endears herself to us by having T. rex arms, killing lobsters with kindness, and not understanding if pickles are a type of food. An added bonus, this review of Jersey Shore was made with real quotes from the Situation, who has ruined that word for us forever.…
When the government loses control of their evil creation, a half-shark half-octopus that makes no physical sense whatsoever, it goes on a killing spree along the beaches of Mexican tourist towns. Are you filled with questions at this point? We were too, but that's why we followed our Compliment Sandwich with a new segment called Clarezra Explains It All. Then, we try to answer the age old question, who would win in a fight, Sharktopus, Space Shark, or Ghost Shark? After a lively discussion, we opt to settle things in a three-way rap battle. Next up it's the return of Lightning Bonus Round.…
The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner - Reviewed
Stephanie Meyer didn't try very hard on this book so I won't try very hard on this summary. Basically, we shit on her new novella and along the way discuss how much fun it would be to lick-em stick-em with vampire body parts, what vampire sex is like (hint: don't use venom as lube!), and which Twilight characters would make the best super heroes. Oh, and as a bonus, we name a listener's baby using our patented Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator.…
The Room Reviewed
When the Internet says something is terrible, you'd do well to believe it. Behold, the worst movie the world has ever seen! The Room is a transcendent kind of bad. Past painful bad. Past funny bad. Past forming a cult and watching it at midnight bad. This kind of bad is the elusive none-more-worse bad that we've hunting for since we've started the podcast.
In this episode we enter the Actor/Writer/Producer/Director's Studio with genius Tommy Wiseau, we linger over the finer details of The Room's steamy R-rated scenes (pillow fights, melting ice sculptures, and awkward use of rose), and we look at numerous other parts of the movie that have, ahem, ROOM for improvement.…
Hellcats Episodes 1 and 2 Reviewed
Two! Four! Six! Eight! What's a show we really hate? Hellcats! Hellcats! Gooooooo to Hellcats!
After a stirring motivational speech from Alex, we take to the Internet waves ready to become champions. With the podcast championship approaching and our star guest sidelined by an injury, we're forced to make fun of Hellcats a man short. Fortunately we have a promising young townie try out for the position by telling a story about sandwiches and hippies. While we wait for the replacement to be ready, we amuse ourselves by pitting the shallow characters of Hellcats against each other in a thrilling Race to the Bottom and have an emergency, 60-second No-Judgement Joke Off.
Hellcats isn't just bad, it's bad for the CW, which is saying something.…
Jersey Shore Season 2 Part 1
MTV airlifted the cast of Jersey Shore to a new home in Miami and our team is there to cover it. Unfortunately, confusion is our most common emotion. Do we love this show or hate it? Are these people awesome or lame? Who smushed Vinnie's bread? To deal with these and other questions, we trade in our usual Hates for Hateliments. Then we play a game called Douche or Not Douche. Finally, we read fan mail about Nazis. Special guest Jace is live in studio and Ezra is reporting live from his new home in *BEEP*.…
Jersey Shore Reviewed - Season 1
Our intrepid heroes pack up all their clubbing shirts and their hair gel, and head down to the Jersey Shore. Fortunately for them (since they had to watch 9 hours of it), it turns out to be the good kind of bad. Rather than hating it, they decide to give out awards to the cast of Jersey shore for categories likeDouchiest male in a leading role. Best parenting award. The little vocational achiever's award.
They also joke off all over each other [Editor's note: Really?][[Other Editor's Note: Yes. This is a great joke.]] and play a game called "Is That A Breakup Worthy Offense?"…
BONUS! Space Shark Theme Song!
Several fans asked to get this song as a separate file and full lyrics. Unlike Space Shark, I live to serve. -Alex (aka MC 'e')
------ Singing / Yelling -----
Space Shark! Space Shark!
Space Shark! Space Shark!
He’s a friend to all and a ruthless killer. Space Shark!
He’s a sci-fi action comic thriller. Space Shark!
NASA tried to shoot him but the missile was a dud. Space Shark!
He frolics with space kittens and he thirsts for your blood. Space Shark!
Space Shark! Oooo oooo ooo. Space Shark!
Space Shark! Oooo oooo ooo. Space Shark!
Oooo oooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo.
------ Rap Breakdown -----
What’s that up there? Do you see it? Hark!
Is it a bird or a plane? No it’s motherfucking space shark.
telescope, watch him move across the sky
He never stops moving otherwise he’ll die
It’s the Space Shark duality, benevolent depravity
Flying and killing, without the pull of gravity
He lurks around you in your space station
He’s about to get all up in your international face-tion
Nothing can beat his shark mystique
In space, it’s always motherfucking shark week
Bubble helmeted, mustachioed
When Space Shark goes out, he’s a classy ho
If you want to stay out of trouble
Don’t tap the glass on his helmet bubble
Never moon walk after dark.
If you can avoid it, don’t bleed around Space Shark
If you’ve got to go out, use the buddy system
And if you rap don’t ever dis him
He’s your best friend, if you don’t provoke
If you start some shit, you’ll need a bigger space boat
Look out above and underneath
‘cause there’s fish out of water with serrated teeth
Tail thrusters and a dorsal fin.
Don’t arm wrestle with him ‘cause of course he’ll win!
The Overton Window Reviewed - Part 3
The finale of Glenn Beck's book has it all- electrocution, nuclear suicides, a Natalie Portman doppelganger... pretty much everything but logic.
The Overton Window Reviewed - Part 2
Another week, another reason to throw Glenn Beck out of an Overton Window. It's not possible for a thriller to be less thrilling or writing to be less well written. We take the middle third of the book down with Hate-o Polo, More Things Glenn Beck Doesn't Understand, and a game called "When God Closes A Door He Opens An Overton Window." Other episode highlights include:Space Shark: friend or foe. Alex wants to get shot in the face with cookie bullets. Get down to some jail funk. Really, really, really don't tease the panther. He's got some serious self-confidence issues. and Alex invents a lady-compass. …
The Overton Window Reviewed - Part 1
Whoa. Thank goodness I found you when I did. The world is out of control. Boys are hitting on girls they're not married to, the tax code is too long to read in a single sitting, and the police are arresting people for getting together with groups of like minded people to drink shitty American beer. Where's the line between fact and fiction in Glenn Beck's alleged thriller, "The Overton Window"? Just like the plot, it's murky. Episode highlights include:Fact + fiction = faction. Jelly + ham = jam. We compile a staggering list of things Glenn Beck doesn't understand. From Turbo Tax to clothing sizes. A special phone call from Admiral Compost And much more!
Today's guest is Dru Johnston and he makes very funny videos on the Internet.…
BONUS! Ezra Checks In
Ezra's travels in Italy continue, but he can't fully enjoy them because Twilight and Eat Pray Love references keep popping up. Check out the Edward and Jacob ice cream bars.…
Eat, Pray, Love (The Movie)
Newezra joins us again as we toil through the Julia Roberts shit-vehicle, Eat Pray Love. It's pacing is exactly the same as the book, so the odds are you'll experience movie this way Eat Prsleep Sleep. Other episode highlights include:Alone on an island w/ 400 pirates. Wedding pranks: codemn or allow? Stephen reveals how to tell if something is a donkey or not. Alex reveals a healthy way to lubricate your play time. And so much more! …
Eat, Pray, Love Reviewed Part 3
Even with Ezra off traveling the world, the wheels of comedy keep turning. Newezra does his best to hold down the fort as we Elizabeth Gilbert's book sways back and forth. Finish it!
Episode highlights include:Lisa gives TMI about UTIs. Daniel gets the worst Make A Wish ever. Jokes about death and 90s pop culture. Radical acts of positive spin for the democratic party's official dream interpreter. And so much more! …
Eat, Pray, Love Reviewed Part 2
We're back at you with the "Pray" part of Eat, Pray, Love. Each section of the book is worse than the one before it, so we're holding our breath for the last part. Episode highlights include:Another Read it and Weep debate! By special request, many bumpers by Wu-Tang Clan! Introducing Shingles! We joke off on each other! And much more! …
Eat, Pray, Love Reviewed Part 1
We take on Elizabeth Gilbert's triumvirate of boredom, "Eat, Pray, Love." Like Liz, we like to artificially break up our content into 36 different parts. Some of our segments include:The return of No Retreat, No Surrender, this time picking on Elizabeth Gilbert's weight! 30 seconds of no-judgement puns! More censorship from Ezra's version! Mary, boff, kill with Elizabeth Gilbert's multiple personalities! And much more! …
Read it and Weep The Podcast Reviewed
We finally give the first three episodes of our show the thrashing they deserve. Complete with compliments and hates, this is the most self reflection we've ever done. Episode highlights include: We almost kill a man with our humor. The origins of us eating on the show (with a clip from our first radio show together!) A series of subtle editing jokes Fuck audiobooks Lots of calls …
The Last Airbender Reviewed
It turns out 8% of Rotten Tomato critics can be wrong. This is as bad of a movie as we've seen that didn't start with "Twi" and end with "light." Or star the horse faced woman. Or... well, I suppose all the movies we see are pretty bad. But this one is also bad! Episode highlights include: Chris didn't watch the movie but we make him participate anyway. A giant, flying beaver. The whitest character named Ang ever. Lightning bonus round! We spoil the ending for every movie in the last 20 years. And much more! …
Eclipse (The Movie) Reviewed
In this epic episode about Eclipse, our panel tackles such important issues as:Wolf balls Cookies, donuts, butter, and wraps. Super Mario training! The dangers of presexual marriage. With special man-on-the street interviews plus a conversation with Kallie from Twilight Series Theories
Colleen's blog can still be found here: Ultimate Hard Body…
Eclipse Review - Part 3
In our third and final episode about Eclipse the book, we do what we do best: make awkward speculations about animal sex. Other episode highlights include:What to do about an awkward wolf-boner in your sleeping bag. Does a swamp monster casually date? Bella poops her pants How to bifurcate a sheep A new world record for mixing liquid metaphors …
Eclipse Review - Part 2
We take a second to bring forth the second third of Eclipse, the third book in the first series we started reading on this show. Episode highlights include:The legal definition of Sexual Assault 14 How many vampires does it take to screw in 15,000 light bulbs? The return of Writers Workshop with Stephanie Meyer, Chet, Jethro, and Commodore Sickle. and much more! …
Eclipse Review Part 1
The boys make their less-than-triumphant return to the Twilight series! Watch them navigate this shit maze and try to come out clean on the other side. Episode highlights include:Hair shirt and feet pants. New Trivial Persuit category: "That fucked up." Ezra reveals the censored version of this book. Hotlantis. The introduction of Infrequently Asked Questions. …
Sex And The City 2 Reviewed
When our young male sex symbols are confronted by old female sex symbols, you know good things are bound to happen. Actually, it's the exact opposite feeling as you would have waiting for Sex And The City 2 to start. And unlike SatC2, this show doesn't go on two hours too long.
Episode highlights include:
Today's guest Christopher is an awesome website designer. Check out One Great Thing to see his personal site which he doesn't spend much time on because of all the awesome work he's doing for other people.…
Sex And The City (The Movie)
The boys meet up with Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha to wade through 150 minutes of fashion, weddings, cheating, canceled weddings, pudding, fashion, friendship, heartbreak, and weddings.
Today's guest Christopher is an awesome website designer. Check out One Great Thing to bask in his epic skills.…
Sweet Little Lies Review - Part 2
Beaten into submission by this sugary wasteland, the boys try their best to finish the book while holding onto their dignity, sanity, and non-valley girl accents. Will Jane and Jesse be 2gthr 4vr? Will Jane and Scar be BFFs again? And OMG, does Madison have a blackmailer? LOL with them before crying when you realize that this book was a New York Times best-seller.
Today's guest Lisa wants a job in New York taking care of kids. Contact us if you want to make that happen.…
Sweet Little Lies Review - Part 1
If there's one book that deserved a sequel it had to be L.A. Candy, right? Or alternatively, ANYTHING ELSE. Sadly, if Lauren Conrad keeps "writing" it, we have to keep reading it.Hate Shuffleboard! New segment: The Book Club! Intellectual references to Jean Baudrillard and Edward Said! An obscure reference to a blackface incident! Sexist energy drinks! The best way to cheat on your significant other! And much, much more!
Today's guest Matt releases an EP of original music each week.…
The Keanu Reeves Film Festival
As a reward, we treat ourselves to three classic Keanu Reeves movies: Chain Reaction, The Lake House, and Feeling Minnesota. We plow through these three movies with three mini-episodes.Hate Risk, Monopoly, and Twister! Time Travel Debate! The long-awaited return of Lightning Bonus Round! Inside the Actor's Studio with Keanu! Help, my love interest is a physicist who doesn't like me/ stuck in the future/ a zombie! The Internet of 1996 runs on fax machines! A director made entirely of bagels! And much, much more!
Today's guest Nick has performed as Keanu Reeves in a live version of Point Break.…
Atlas Shrugged Review - Part 4 of 4 (!)
In this episode, a largly demoralized team stumble across the finish line of Ayn Rand's magnum crapus, "Atlas Shrugged." Mysterious things start happening, however, when they try to talk about John Galt's speech. Other episode highlights:Hate Yahtzee Pizzookies and BJs! Oregon Trail: socialist undertones Locate your breadbasket! And much, much more!
Today's guest Colleen has a blog about running and poop.…
Atlas Shrugged Review - Part 3
We tackle the third quarter of Atlas Shrugged with much needed help from our Insane Beliefs Correspondent, Stephen. Dagny finds herself in the capitalist utopia of Atlantis and we find ourselves still having to review this terrible book that has no end.Alex passes Podcast Directive 10-289 Hate Bingo: Now with points! Taking a strong stance against killing goats with sound guns! The long-awaited whale semen episode! And much, much more! …
Atlas Shrugged Review - Part 2
In the second part of our slog through Atlas Shrugged, we show a few signs of wear and tear. Still, we power through:Compliment Sandwich Hate Bingo Writers Workshop (we probably should have warned Forrest beforehand that he had to play Ayn Rand) And screwing like a business man!
Today's guest Forrest has a blog where he takes pictures of himself while he watches Portland Trailblazers games.…
Atlas Shrugged Review - Part 1
Atlas Shrugged is arguably the most influential terrible book that we've read yet. Libertarians, conservatives, and people who want to read about 1-dimensional characters sexually assaulting each other all find the book compelling. Can it live up to the hype? Well, "who is John Galt?"Debate: Trains vs. Steel! New Game: Hate Boggle Chris develops an immunity to stupid. The benefits of a monster cave. And much, much more.
Today's guest Nick has a website full of fake facts.…
LA Candy Review - Part 2 of 2
The smog isn't the only thing LA produces that makes me gag. As our panel discusses the mercifully brief second half of Lauren Conrad's awful book, they cover:French words that may or may not be dirty. How to create your Read It And Weep On-Air Personality Name Why do some people sound stupid, and, more importantly, why does Ezra feel bad for anybody who sounds that way? And the great Pandog
Today's guest Kate has a personal blog that's pretty funny and has pictures of pretty things.…
LA Candy Review - Part 1 of 2
It doesn't take much to get a book contract. Or a TV show. Or a movie deal. Or, in the case of Lauren Conrad, all three. Apparently, it mostly just takes being an idiot. But in a land where idiots write books, three heroes (and their slightly crippled, TV watching side-kick) have what it takes to stand up and take pot shots at those books from a safe distance. They attack by asking the hard questions.Blondes: age like wine or peak early? Fish food: is it human flesh? Bars: should they have trampolines for floors? and much more.
Today's guest Jason used to have a link where he'd make fun of your friends and post it on YouTube for $5.
Alice in Wonderland (The Movie) Reviewed
The Tim Burton Machine keeps on turning. This week we're joined by famed running blogger Colleen Smith. Episode highlights include:
Business casual executions. Did you eat the Queen's Tart? How to tell if your suitor's a douchebag. Lightning Bonus Round! And eating disorders: the true meaning of Alice in Wonderland. …
The Lightning Thief (The Movie) Reviewed
Yeah, they made a movie of it too. This week we're joined by comedian Tim Dufrisne. Episode highlights include: A hydra chewing its cud. Is Pierce Brosnan the worst James Bond of all time? Ezra is smarter than you. Lightning Bonus Round (including the battle of the century: Hades vs Smokey The Bear) Seriously, is Pierce Brosnan terrible or not? I can't tell. …
The Lightning Thief Review - Part 2 of 2
Although we've had some arguments amongst ourselves and with our fans as to whether this is actually terrible, or just run-of-the-mill bad, Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief has definitely earned its place on the show. We take it down with the efficiency of a copyrighted video on YouTube. Episode highlights includeAncient Greek Cosmo presents the quiz "Who's Your Daddy?" Naming the subdivisions in hell! Another Read It And Weep debate! "Is 'The Lightning Thief' good for children?" Alex eats a cookie... hilariously! …
The Lightning Thief Review - Part 1 of 2
The greatest podcast in the history of the world is picking on, that's right, a kids book. Listen to this episode and you will find out: What your learning disability might really mean! What Chris was good at in middle school! What it would be like to play Red Rover with swords! …
BONUS! Carla Interview (Extended Edition)
Carla Zilbersmith's extended interview, featuring: How to get famous Samuel L. Jackson Phallic Objects How to make a parent uncomfortable And a very sexy calendar you can buy here. …
The Secret Reviewed
The guys need all the help they can get to get through the most ridiculous self-help book ever created. Highlights:We define the word "flyjaculate." We discover that the universe is just a mentally disabled genie. The triumphant return of our insane beliefs correspondent, Stephen. An interview about sex and death with famed comedian Carla Zilbersmith. The Secret talks dirty to you. …
Dear John (The Movie) Reviewed
In a very touching episode of Read It And Weep, our boys take a look at the weekend's box office hit, Dear John (The Movie). Don't missAlex admits to crying Brian and Chris are surrounded with teenage girls John gets shot (and it's awesome!) The missile detecting capabilities of autistic kids and Lightning Bonus Round! Featuring comedian Brian Crall of the Sacramento Comedy Spot.
This may not be the worst Nicholas Sparks novel adapted into a movie that we've watched, but it's certainly in the top two.…
Dear John Part 2 of 2
We finish breaking up with Nicholas Sparks's Dear John. Highlights from the review:
The safest war ever!
And a section of the book so hot it had to be censored!
Dear John Part 1 of 2
Nicholas Sparks continues to haunt us like a poltergeist who only makes boring noises. This episode features:Nicholas Sparks thinks you have Asperger's if... The true meaning of oatmeal raisin cookies We all get honorary psych minors And so much more! …
Left Behind (The Movie)
Finally, we can witness the horror instead of just listening to it. This episode includes:The Fans Remember Boner! Phone Sex With God! Camels Are Magic! The Return of Lightning Bonus Round! And Much More! …
Left Behind Part 2 of 2
In the second half of Left Behind, Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins prove that no matter how bad something is, it can always get worse. Fortunately for you (and us) Ezra never misses a double entendre.
Other notable features:Kim helps us make sense of the anti-christ! Muppets are gullible! Sad abortionists! …
BONUS! Avatar Is Like Boobs
Alex calls an emergency meeting to talk about Avatar, but discovers both Chris and Ezra liked it. It's a good thing they're still funny when they like something.…
Left Behind Part 1 Of 2
The rapture has struck leaving only billions of people behind. Among them, comically named pilot Rayford Steele, promiscuous flight attendant Hattie "the hottie" Durham, and the Antichrist. Hijinks ensue... very slowly.…
Read It And Weep (the crappy Disney channel movie)
In an effort to move our show above this terrible movie in Google search results for "Read It And Weep," we review it. It probably wasn't worth it to have to sit through these atrocious 90 minutes. …
Going Rogue - Part 2 of 2
Aww... have people been mean to poh Sawah? Shame on dem. You showed dem with dis book, doh. And da way you didn't wite yoself. And da way it makes you sound like a idiot and a winew.…
Going Rogue - Part 1 of 2
Sarah Palin "narrates" her own "life" "story." There's a lot of exotic meats, a lot of breeding, and enough folksy wisdom to kill a chicken faster than fireweed in July.…
New Moon (The Movie)
The boys go to sold-out screenings of New Moon to stare at Charlie's mustache, Alice's hair, and Edward's ability to ruin every scene that he's in. Episode highlights:Excitable old vampires! Vampire discoballs! Steroids! Mechanical bull sex! …
New Moon - Part 3 of 3
In this stunning non-conclusion, Bella and Edward both manage not to kill themselves, return to Forks, and everything is as if this book never happened. If only.
We also learn why Edward and Bella love each other: She smells like the perfect ham sandwich to him.…
New Moon - Part 2 of 3
In part 2, our boys discover that teenage guys are just moody werewolves, Alice still has great hair, and cliff diving and trips to Italy are both viable options for suicide.…
New Moon - Part 1 of 3
In their (less than) triumphant return to the Twilight series, our boys groan their way through the first third of New Moon. The only good news to be found is that Bella wants to sleep with a large puppy dog.…
The Vampire Diaries Episodes 1 & 2
To warm us up for our return to Twilight, we checked out The Vampire Diaries on CW. It was probably less miserable than Twilight, what with there being sex and all, but the trend of emo vampires is regrettable. …
The Beautiful Life - Episodes 1 & 2
Shooting for a new low, we try to watch a show so bad The CW canceled it after two episodes. Will we like this show about the runway or will we run away? …
Cougar Town - Episodes 1 & 2
What's the worst thing you can say about a comedy? "It's not funny?" How about "It made me want to die?" Or maybe "This awful cast ruins a perfectly bad script?" …
The Lost Symbol Part 3 of 3
Our hosts welcome special guest Stephen, our official D.C. correspondent, to discuss his thoughts on the Lost Symbol. Spoiler alert: the book doesn't get any better (and the Masons really don't have anything to hide). …
The Lost Symbol Part 2 of 3
Dan Brown has scoured the earth (and the Internet) looking for symbols with which to create his puzzle. Yet his product is mostly just SIMPLE. …
The Lost Symbol Part 1 of 3
The only puzzle our boys need to solve is why do people like this crap? …
High School Musical
Without giving you the whole song and dance, here are the main problems with Disney's High School Musical: feeble plot, poor production quality, terrible acting, and a creepy, cult-like feel to the characters and situations. Still, it is without question the most enjoyable movie we've watched so far. …
Confessions of a Shopaholic (The Movie)
There isn't much good to say about this movie, but it does contain this scene:
BONUS! The New Moon Trailer
The team sits down to watch the New Moon trailer. Want to watch along with them? Here's the one they watched:
Trashing a Shopaholic Part 2
It feels like each book we read is dumber than the one before it, but maybe that's just because we don't remember pain as well as we feel it.…
Trashing a Shopaholic Part 1
Our boys take down this classic of the Chick-Lit genre, more accurately titled "Inane Ramblings of a Shopaholic." Will they survive, or will they rush to get a refund on this purchase?…
The Notebook (The Movie)
Is it better than the book? It's definitely not worse. But can the screenwriters solve the myriad plot and character problems? More importantly, would it be worse to watch old people die or screw? All this and more in today's episode.…
The Notebook Review Part 2
Could we possibly have hated Twilight as much as this? Since Nicholas Sparks has killed all our brain cells, there's nothing left to do but throw our defeated minds into the gutter and leave them there.…
The Notebook Part 1
Our boys sit down with The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks and try their hardest not to fall asleep. From the stupid folksy wisdom to grandpa's painfully slow reading to major plot problems, they can only hope to someday get Alzheimer's and forget they ever read this terrible book.…
Twilight (The Movie)
After finally finishing Twilight (the book), our heroes sit down with their respective girlfriends and watch Twilight (the movie). Although they hate it, they do find a surprising number of non-sarcastic, nice things to say about it.…
Twilight Review Part 3
Our intrepid young readers plow through the end of Twilight from disc 7 through the end. Feeling more defeated than heroic, they discuss the loose plot about bad vampires, Bella getting punched in the face, and prom.…
Twilight Review Part 2
We discuss up through the middle of the book, focusing on Bella's trip to the port of angels and the non-makeout meadow. Is it possible it's getting worse?…
Twilight Review Part 1
This is our first discussion of the "Twilight" series. We discuss why we're undertaking this project, whether continuing this books is equivalent to having an arm cut off, and when we think Bella and Edward will finally have the sex WE so richly deserve.…
Read it and Weep
Read it and Weep consumes bad media so you don't have to. Tune in every week when four comedians chew up a bad book, movie, or TV show and spit out an awesome podcast about it complete with games, jokes, and sexual tangents. Listen, otherwise our brain cells will have died in vain.