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Last update: 2009-12-30

Episode 62 - The Quiz of 2009

2009-12-30

Do you remember the big events of 2009? Or anything that happened? Well Gary devised a quiz, just a simple little quiz, to test Patrick and I on our knowledge of the years events. We knew nothing. Well that's not quite true, Patrick knew about Jedward and answered most questions with them, I remembered there was an expenses scandal, and we both did know that Michael Jackson died. So listen to our pathetic attempts at answering the questions and have a good laugh. I shall cancel my audition for Mastermind. Cheers and lets hope 2010 is a splendid year.…

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Episode 61 - Jedwood are the real winners

2009-12-30

Well bloody typical, London's weather was like Russia in the weeks before Christmas, but do we get a white Christmas? No, the snow didn't even have the decency to lay about. It sarcastically melted away. Anyhow it managed to cause chaos on the Eurostar when people were trapped overnight in the tunnel (how scary is that?) Gary thinks it's a conspiracy, won't believe five trains would break down in the tunnel at once, or that the air could be too cold for them. However he is unable to tell me why there would be a Eurostar conspiracy, or even who would perpetrate such a thing. I shall give him time. Patrick thinks the World Went to Hell in a Handcart when Love Actually was released and acclaimed as a good film. However, as we know, Patrick is allergic to oestrogen. Anyhow, he can't talk, he has seen Titanic at least seven times, Meanwhile in yet another money wasted on spurious academic research scandal, academics in Australia are saying that Santa is a bad example to children and encourages obesity and alcoholism. Of course Santa Claus is the only person or character who has ever influenced children in any way at all. We think you need to leave celery and mineral water out for him in the future. That will mean a trim fit Santa next year, how fun is that?…

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Hillary would have knocked those sheikhs on the head by now

2009-12-29

We do think that everything went to Hell in a Handcart when more and more beeping sounds and flashing lights came into our lives. Now you may well press the wrong key on your keyboard, or make an error, but the computer can’t just politely put a message on the screen, oh no, it has to rudely beep at you. It’s very frustrating constantly being told off by inanimate objects. Personally I find my car rather judgemental as well. It’s Christmas, and we are famous in our grinchiness. Gary wants to give Xmas presents to all those we have disparaged over the past year. Patrick doesn’t want to. I think it would be lovely to give Gordon Brown something lovely and Scottish, maybe a cute little highland terrier for him to walk in his retirement.…

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Episode 59 - Which one has the better pickles?

2009-12-23

Could class war save Gordon Brown? Referring to David Cameron's policies as being devised "On the playing fields of Eton" The PM delivered a sterling performance in the House. Some say it is career saving. Patrick of course things the comment is tedious, but, to give him credit, he also thinks Cameron is light weight and rather tedious. It leaves a dilemma, we don't want what we've got, but we don't want what's on offer either. This is why a hung parliament may well be the best thing for us. Well the three of us that is, although we'd like to think that our best interests are the same as those of our copatriates. The picture of the obese guy spilling over into the aisle of the American Airlines plane is rather extraordinary.. Airlines do have a "customer of size"policy which is supposed to require them to purchase two seats, but cabin crew say that this is not being adhered to. So the people in the next seat suffer, and I am very worried at how the trolley got down that aisle.…

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Episode 58 - Squirrels lay in wait for a dog

2009-12-09

Squirrels lay in wait for a dog. Then they attacked him and ate him. I kid you not. Is this a terrible omen? A la Stephen King? In fact these are mutant ninja squirrels. Living in Russia, and clearly affected by all the nuclear fallout there. And they say nuclear power is the answer to our energy crisis, oh dear. It's dogs now, but are any of us safe from the squirrels? Tiger Woods, apparently he has had a few issues lately. He was a little tired and missed his driveway a bit, crashing his car into a tree. Oh and the back window somehow smashed itself in. The fact that he is having affairs with a couple of waitresses, and his wife may be a tad cross about it, well that is irrelevant. Mr Tiger feels no need to explain himself to the police. We do have to wonder what women see in these mutli millionaire sportsmen that makes all this grief worth it. Meanwhile we explain how the world went to Hell in a Handcart when everything became ridiculously over packaged. Are we the only people who don't understand how you are meant to get the packaging open? Try buying some new earphones one day, for your ipod, in your lunch hour. Seriously, can you open them? Then you can't even chill with your music whilst Windows 7 proceeds to crash and give you a black screen of death. …

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Episode 56 - Jon Bon Jovi ate my hamster

2009-12-08

Did you know that being grumpy is a good thing? Of course we did, it's our modus operandi after all. It has now been officially proven by proper scientific research. When you are grumpy, even better if the sun isn't shining, you are better at decision making and just generally more intelligent. (I may have made that last bit up) Patrick is so grumpy that he thinks good money shouldn't be spent on such pointless research. The world went to Hell in a Handcart when ready meals were invented. We really don't see the point to them. They are never nice, take twice as long as making your own food, and always, always cold in the middle, unless you burn them. Then the middle is hot and the rest is burnt, so you can't eat it. Why bother, when simple fresh food takes the same time, and is much nicer? Now celebrity authors is a subject we complain about every week, and now real authors have started to come out in agreement with us. A celebrity puts their name to a book, most are ghost written, and the celeb in question gets a £1 million advance. Even if the celebrity does their own writing, they would never have made it into publication without their name, they are usually woeful. Publishers then tell real authors that they can't afford to give them any money at all for their real writing. It has gone too far when Jordan was nominated for a literally award for a book that she not only didn't write, she hasn't even read one page of. This actually happened. …

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Episode 54 - And that is why you will never fly again

2009-12-08

I wonder how many poets Nick Griffin can name? Over half of primary school teachers couldn't name more than two. This seems rather alarming, given that they are supposed to have attained a good level of education themselves, not to mention their role in shaping our next generation. I can helpfully say that they should at least know T S Eliot and his cats, and whatsisname who wrote about daffodils. Nick Griffin, meanwhile, showed his ignorance on Question Time, and has been derided, by the panel, the audience, and the news media. Now we, including our dear listeners, all know that the anglo saxons were from Germany, and all our ancestors immigrated to these islands in one way or another, Griffin, however, wants to rewrite history. He was offered help on the show, by Bonnie Greer from the British Museum, who can show him the proof. However, despite his ignorance, the BBC have given him the oxygen of publicity, and the BNP has increased in membership. Whether appearing on the show was a good thing, or not, we are not wise enough to say. What could distract two pilots enough to miss an airport? By 100 miles no less? They say they were discussing Airline Policy. So that's what it's called in the aviation industry. …

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Episode 50 - Tired and emotional

2009-12-08

Did you know that it was Poland’s fault that they were invaded by the Nazi’s and the Russians in 1939? From both sides? That’s according to Putin, who is very busy concentrating on his modeling career, so who can blame him for the rather wacky view of history. So it’s 70 years since the outbreak of WW11. One thing we do know, is that learning the mistakes of the past, doesn’t stop anyone from repeating them. If you thought young teenagers have been looking more tired and emotional than usual, it’s because they are. 13-15 year olds in Britain are drinking lots, and getting drunk. We wonder if maybe pubs should let them in, from the age of twelve perhaps? Stop this irritating hanging about on the streets drinking that they do, given no where to legally go. Our minds are collectively boggled that Macauley Culkin is the father of Michael Jackson’s youngest son. I thought the child was named Blanket, but Patrick tells me this is a nickname, and his real name is Prince Michael 11, well of course it is, silly me. In other news we are happy to see Big Brother axed, it’s about time, I just want them to lock the house, just for a while, let them think they are still being filmed but everyone can go home.…

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Episode 49 - A bunch of fives

2009-12-08

We recorded this just before Scotland went all Braveheart on the world, so you may have to wait a week or so until you know what to think about that situation. Really sorry. Anyhow we had some lighter subjects, like cancer. Yes, it seems the list of what can cause cancer is never ending, and the latest is that smug couples who go to restaurants and snuggle over candlelight dinners are more likely to get cancer than the rest of us. They say it’s the fumes from the smoke, but we think it is a side effect of showing off. Poor Caster Semenya, who has won medals for South Africa in the world athletics championship, is being subjected to gender testing. There really isn’t anything funny about her story, but we talk about it anyhow. In other news, sending a text message to vote in Eurovision has led to interrogations in Azerbaijan. Those who voted for Armenia are being accused of unpatriotic behaviour, Eurovision voting has to be the single most mortifying way to come into contact with the police that you can imagine, even worse than indecent exposure.…

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Episode 57 - The wireless with pictures

2009-11-29

Well I hope you weren't under the impression that the X Factor is a talent show? We know it isn't. It's why we love the Jedward after all. It's a show demonstrating how to put cash into the pockets of Simon Cowell. You see he knew that his preferred format, that is where the public file past and put money into his actual pockets, well that could only appeal to a certain number of viewers. This way the same end is acheived, and the public get what they want in the bizarre, gladiatorial atmosphere of the viewing experience. And they get to throw their money at Simon Cowell, so everybody wins. Patrick, meanwhile, watches his telly on a black and white set that broadcasts from the 1950's. It's great. We think the world went to Hell in a Handcart with satellite and cable telly. None of us have any attention span at all anymore. We miss the days when everyone watched the same shows, because they were all you could watch. Meanwhile, now we don't need to move in order to change channel, it helps us find time to eat our 400 extra calories a day, as recommended by the latest government report. Speaking of the government, (like my segue there?) Gordon Brown, poor wee thing, everyone is feeling sorry for him these days.…

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Episode 55 - Nevermind Jedwood - Rate my Kitten!

2009-11-04

Gary has decided that the world went to Hell in a handcart when the internet became more easily accessible. We are nostalgic for the days of dial up. When you could make a cup of tea and do your ironing whilst waiting for the email that your friend has sent with a picture of their cat to download. If the friend was adventurous and sent you a film of their cat being really cute, well inevitably the file would be too big, and you would never see the film, being forced to get it deleted from the email server, otherwise all your other emails would be blocked for ever more. Now you only have to go to Facebook and click on any one of the millions of links posted by all your friends if you want to look at cats, or youtube, no problem. The internet has always been about porn and cats, right? No, not cat porn, that would be very wrong. Oh the good old days, when it was all a bit useless, and online time wasting was harder to achieve, and the internet, indeed the world, was a nicer place. You know me, never given to hyperbole. This is our new feature, it's about time we identified when the world went to Hell and there are lots of trigger points. Quite a list. Aside from that we discuss Prince Edward, what a chip of the old block! A gaffe almost worthy of Prince Philip, who of course has a new gaffe of his own. Then there are John and Edward, or Jedward as Gary informs us they are officially called. Making the X factor a little bit entertaining, and offering the delicious promise of Simon Cowell leaving Britain, and axing the show. If we weren't too lazy to vote, we would vote for them. …

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Episode 53 - 'If it's not about Albanian lesbians in the 20s I'm not interested'

2009-10-23

Patrick thinks that if you read The Daily Mail, you get what you pay for and there is no point complaining if you are offended. He is cynical about the angry mob of the Twitterati. As you probably know, Patrick isn't a fan of the tweetings of Fry and co. Now Gary and I however, well we aren't made of the same stern stuff. We both love Mr Fry, and Gary feels that it's about time the mob became angry. What is that about? Well Jan Moir, a Daily Mail columnist, who thinks it isn't homophobic to write a homophobic article, in her case about Steven Gateley. Meanwhile in the US there is a Justice of the Peace who thinks it isn't racist to discriminate against a couple on the grounds of race. He is thinking of the children. I don't watch the X Factor, neither does Patrick, but both of us are supporting some Irish twins who have been booed off the stage. They are so bad that the judges and audience can't stand it. This sounds rather brilliant. Gary does watch, but I can't remember what he thinks. Surely the actual viewers don't matter here? …

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Episode 52 - 'What were they thinking'

2009-10-14

So Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize because he might make a contribution to some kind of peace type of thing, some time in the future. I'm sure you, dear listener, will be delighted to know that all three of us have won Nobel Prizes. Oh yes. It's for things that we might do in the future. Just like Barak Obama. We have planned how to spend the money. I've started packing, as I figure it will be cold. Gary is booking the plane and accomodation, as a group booking may be cheaper. Boris Johnson has proved to be the darling of the Tory conference this year, I confess to being very embarrased. As you are all observant and vigilant, you will notice that the three of us failed totally to predict this. We even had a conversation about how there are no Tory characters, and we couldn't imagine who would be the star of the conference. How did we forget Boris? What does it mean? Is Boris an alien whom one forgets if he isn't in direct line of sight? We can't even change what we said because it is already downloaded into thousands of ipods. Patrick has said before that he wants to leave it all to the cats. Well Dr Christine Gill has just successfully stopped the RSPCA getting her parents legacy, that they legitimately left in their Wills. We feel the cats would make better use of it. She doesn't seem to need it. In fact what person actually needs 2 million pounds? Also this could be a worrying precedent for charities, who earn most of their money through legacies. …

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Episode - 51 - What can we expect from Superdave?

2009-10-07

Back for season 2 and have we learnt any lessons at all? No sign of that this week. Patrick's summer was positively ruined by drag behind suitcases, he just can't let it go. Move on Patrick! Take your suitcase and move on. We are very excited by conference season. The Lib Dems, had a conference, yes. Their leader spoke and it was fascinating, really. What's his name again? Vince Cable? Charles Kennedy? Or was it Menzies Cambell? One of those guys anyhow. So after our in depth analysis of the Lib Dem conference, we turn to Peter Mandelson's audition. He wants to be in La Cage Aux Folles. Great idea i think, he would be perfect in the role. His audition was at the Labour party conference and he stole the show. Wonderful theatrics and some nicely timed comedy touches. Then we contemplate the Tory conference, and where the comedy might be. ( Hey it was Boris of course, let's talk about that next week) We have other subjects you might enjoy, including friends looking after each other's children. Turns out it is a bad idea, illegal even. Then there is the fact that Michael Jackson wanted to give Hitler a hug. Aaaw, what a nice, balanced guy he was. …

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Episode 50 - Tired and emotional

2009-10-07

Did you know that it was Poland’s fault that they were invaded by the Nazi’s and the Russians in 1939? From both sides? That’s according to Putin, who is very busy concentrating on his modeling career, so who can blame him for the rather wacky view of history. So it’s 70 years since the outbreak of WW11. One thing we do know, is that learning the mistakes of the past, doesn’t stop anyone from repeating them. If you thought young teenagers have been looking more tired and emotional than usual, it’s because they are. 13-15 year olds in Britain are drinking lots, and getting drunk. We wonder if maybe pubs should let them in, from the age of twelve perhaps? Stop this irritating hanging about on the streets drinking that they do, given no where to legally go. Our minds are collectively boggled that Macauley Culkin is the father of Michael Jackson’s youngest son. I thought the child was named Blanket, but Patrick tells me this is a nickname, and his real name is Prince Michael 11, well of course it is, silly me. In other news we are happy to see Big Brother axed, it’s about time, I just want them to lock the house, just for a while, let them think they are still being filmed but everyone can go home.…

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Episode 49 - A bunch of fives

2009-10-07

We recorded this just before Scotland went all Braveheart on the world, so you may have to wait a week or so until you know what to think about that situation. Really sorry. Anyhow we had some lighter subjects, like cancer. Yes, it seems the list of what can cause cancer is never ending, and the latest is that smug couples who go to restaurants and snuggle over candlelight dinners are more likely to get cancer than the rest of us. They say it’s the fumes from the smoke, but we think it is a side effect of showing off. Poor Caster Semenya, who has won medals for South Africa in the world athletics championship, is being subjected to gender testing. There really isn’t anything funny about her story, but we talk about it anyhow. In other news, sending a text message to vote in Eurovision has led to interrogations in Azerbaijan. Those who voted for Armenia are being accused of unpatriotic behaviour, Eurovision voting has to be the single most mortifying way to come into contact with the police that you can imagine, even worse than indecent exposure.…

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Episode 48 - 'She's like a pit pony'

2009-08-14

Did you know that Vladimir Putin is a torso model? Seriously. He specialises in horseback riding poses, but any rugged pose will do. The pictures aren't camp either, because he is Russian, and they don't have camp in Russia. Please don't break our podcast Mr Putin. Yes, he got upset, you see some comedians thought the photo's were funny, and may have laughed, so the Russians broke the internet last weekend. It was Putin's pout. Gordon Brown is on holiday, bless him, because he is tired and emotional, he has gone to do some community work in his constituency. Meanwhile Harriet Harman ran the country, and the poor woman couldn't put a foot right. Now we have Peter Mandelson, who has to manage the war we have with the US. It's a war of words at the moment, but the Prince of Darkness can probably escalate it if he wants to. Some Americans are being horrid about the NHS, and it's made our whole country jolly cross. Sarah Palin says that an NHS death panel would have made her abort her baby. Our death panels aren't that bad! The baby would be fine, they may force some medication on the mother, but that is only reasonable. We are baffled by the town halls in the US, they seem like a rabble, it's very strange. Here if we are mad about a policy, and a local meeting is called, we go along, and we glare at them. We might put up our hands to make a strong point, but are more likely to get upset if a person who put their hand up after us gets called first. Now that is really bad, that would make us properly angry. …

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Episdoe 47 - This is not America

2009-08-08

Lord Mandelson, we are here to remind you that you don't need to leave the House of Lords to be Prime Minister, it's only a convention. Yes it may be 100 years since we had our last Lord Prime Minister, but why give up all those magnificent titles? Of course the best title is unofficial "Prince of Darkness". So make it official. Lord Mandelson, Prince of Darkness, Prime Minister of Great Britain. We would like you to wear Ermine. Let's face it, things can't get worse, so whilst the world is descending into Hell in a Handcart, why not have some fun? Italy has Berlusconi, France has Sarkozy, the US has seen sense and restored Bill Clinton. Topless models and thong wearing interns are not the British way though. Ermine wearing and the eyebrow of death, that's our style. In preparation for these jolly japes, Ladybirds are in plague proportions, frightening tourists in Norfolk into staying in their cars. Meanwhile students are being given twice as many first class degrees as a decade ago, making them more and more useless. In research as enlightening as the Pope's catholicism and the sky's blueness, it has been found that top grades from newer universities are not the same as those from instutions such as Oxford and Cambridge. Even more surprising, said new universities are not interested in examining why this is happening. Meanwhile a student in the US has sued her college after being unable to find a job. Perhaps this is the only way anything will change. …

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Episode 46 - 'He stepped out of the shower and it was all just a dream'

2009-08-03

Is Lembit Opik a sex God? This is the only possible answer for his success with cheeky girls, and now a bra model, 23 years his junior. In other pressing philosophical questions, what is Art? Do you think we actually know? Well the Pope has criticised an exhibition in Glasgow that gives the public felt tip pens and encourages them to write on the Bible. We actually agree with the Pope, well especially with his point that it would never happen to a sacred text from another religion. We like the people's plinth, but this question of what constitutes art is still baffling. Maybe whether we like it or not is a good measure? Also if I don't make my bed, and only I see the unmade bed, is it art? If I say it is, then does that make it so. In a classic segue into Cartesian philosophy, we may or may not answer this question, or whether if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it...yes you know the rest. Meanwhile poor old Gordon Brown doesn't have the Opik factor. He keeps getting makeovers, each one worse than the one before. Now it's the beige jacket, he has been asked to ditch it. It really won't matter, at this point nothing matters, poor Gordon, he can't win. If he falls in the woods and no one is there, cogito ergo sum, that's all I can say on the matter. …

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Episode 45 - overfamiliar sales people

2009-07-26

Patrick is still unable to forgive Tom Chambers for winning Strictly Come Dancing last year, so much so that he seems to now be irrationally blaming him for everything. This week we broadcast "live" from the Jade Goddy memorial dining room in Patrick's palatial South London manor house. We discuss names, and titles, and how much we loathe overfamiliar sales people, especially those who cold call us on the telephone, then lauch into a first name relationship with us. This sets off my innner ice princess. They still don't get the hint though, no matter how coldly we respond. Patrick also believes that German is a more sensible language than English, and had a teacher who was very like Brian Blessed. We all wonder about how much information people put about themselves on the internet. We like to share with you, dear listeners, but don't expect our bank account numbers, or full dates of birth (too vain). Patrick doesn't mind film of him showering being shown though. None of us are keen on the competitive depression online forums, or other personal sharing, and won't be seen on those any time soon. …

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The 'Hell in a Handcart' Interactive Podcast

The whole conversation thing. Sorted.

The 'Hell in a Handcart' Interactive Podcast


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