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Last update: 2013-06-28

72 - Responsibility Vs. Bathing

2013-06-28
Length: 1s

We talk about responsibilities, including what stops us from taking responsibility for them. Then our discussion of bathing turns into a  discussion of bathing one's ass, namely wiping it and what the proper bathroom etiquette is.

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71 - Apologizing

2013-06-20
Length: 1s

In this episode, we debut a new segment called apologization, Quentin boldly shows up with no topic, and we talk about why it's hard to apologize and what the best apology ever was.

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70 - Dreams Vs. Girls (Part 1, Vol. 2)

2013-06-14
Length: 1s

We begin the show talking about local hotspots here in Portland, which include an old graveyard and a popular glory hole (not the same place). We then turn our attention to dreams, including talk of lucid dreams, nightmares, and sexmares (AKA sex dreams). Also, girls is a topic, which is to be expected at this point.

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69 - Relationships Vs. Fat

2013-06-07
Length: 1s

Hear us talk about relationships, including cliched tips on staying together and how to react to your girlfriend beating you. Then we do fat as a topic--not just fat people but fatness itself and tasty fat cooked on a hunk of meat. Hear us shame fat shamers and get my patented diet tips on how to lose that disgusting fat on your body (which you should be ashamed of by the way).

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68 - Potpourri Vs. Jesus H. Christ

2013-05-30
Length: 1s

In this episode we learn how not to say the N word to the bus driver, the upside of a hostage situation, if it's harder to  abstain from meat or porn, what it's like being Jesus, and why we're concerned about our friend the Buddha.

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67 - Hair Vs. Aliens

2013-05-23
Length: 1s

We find out about hair, including armpit hair, head hair, and taint hair. Find out what the best hair is for both your head and your pussy and your testicles. Also, what is the best color for hair on girls and boys? Then we turn to the topic of aliens and I list the best movies from the alien universe. We also discuss the likelihood of real aliens, the best fictional aliens, and whether ancient aliens helped humans levitate some rocks a long time ago.

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66 - Bros Vs. Crying

2013-05-16
Length: 1s

We discuss the bro phenomenon that is sweeping the nation. Find out my top 3 broiest movies and why dude bros are one of the nation's most persecuted minorities. Then Quentin tells us about crying and we see which one of us cries more, whether we like to cry, and what makes us cry (other than like every romantic comedy ever! Am I right guys?).

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65 - Coolness Vs. Adulthood Vs. Sexuality

2013-05-09
Length: 1s

Betty from Asian Health and Service Center joins us to not talk about her job at all but rather what it's like to be a cool adult with a sexuality. Find out how to be cool, how to be an adult, and whether or not we like getting come on our faces.

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64 - Babies Vs. Angela

2013-05-02
Length: 1s

We got baby fever! Hear us figure out if babies are cute, whether we're having babies, and whether babies should be killed in the womb. Then Quentin tells us the story of one of the first girls he thought was "freakin' adorable." Find out what she thought of him and whether or not they got it on.

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63 - Jane's Topics Vs. Racism

2013-04-25
Length: 1s

The people have spoken so in this episode we gang bang not one but five topics suggested by a listener. Then we tackle the big topic of racism and manage to solve it in 30 minutes or less.

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62 - Sneezing Vs. Corn

2013-04-18
Length: 1s

In this episode, there's a surprisingly lot to say about sneezing, including different myths about why it happens and pro tips on how to stop sneezing before it starts. Also, the topic of corn brings on our most heated discussions yet. Find out how we like to eat our corn and why I'm worried about zombie corn.

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61 - Chevy Chase Vs. Free Will

2013-04-12
Length: 1s

In this episode we tackle two of the biggest questions humanity has ever posed: do we have free will and what is the best Chevy Chase movie? Find out if you had a choice in listening to this podcast or not and learn why Chevy Chase thinks he can use the N word.

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60 - Conspiracies Vs. April Fools' Day Vs. Game of Thrones

2013-04-05
Length: 1s

Is the earth flat? Do evil reptile people control the world? Do we like Game of Thrones? Get the answers to these tantalizing questions in this special episode. Also hear the story of our senior prank that we didn't do.

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59 - Exercise Vs. Cuteness

2013-03-28
Length: 1s

Quentin gives us some quality exercise tips with help from his friend Arnold Schwarzenegger. Also learn what getting "swole" means, why people think things are cute, and what would make you want to cuddle a spider.

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58 - Thursday Vs. Middle School

2013-03-21
Length: 1s

I tell you why Thursday is actually the best day of the week despite a strong contention by Friday and then we get into some of our middle school memories which involve beating people up, dancing, and almost-blow jobs.

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57 - The Morning Vs. Pi

2013-03-14
Length: 59s

In honor of pi day, we talk about the morning and why it's sometimes hard to get up. Quentin lists the ideal morning routine and we learn what the soggiest breakfast cereal is. Plus, I talk about the number pi. Learn what it is, what it's deal is, and what other number is its mortal enemy.

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56 - Ethics Vs. Emmas

2013-03-07
Length: 1s

We tackle the big problems about what's right and wrong and who the best Emma is. Hear our answers to some famous ethical questions including who we'd kill, who we'd save, and what we like on our toast.

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55 - Fast Food Vs. String Theory

2013-02-28
Length: 1s

Quentin gives the rundown of his favorite fast food items while I for some reason tell you which fast food items are most fuckable. Then I pretend like I know what string theory is as I succinctly explain gravity, quantum mechanics, extra dimensions, and why Eagle Vs. Shark is a better movie than The Squid and the Whale.

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54 - Water Vs. The Films of Jesse Eisenberg

2013-02-22
Length: 1s

We talk about water in this episode and I promise it's more exciting than it sounds. Find out what might have made the world wet, what Quentin thinks are the best Eisenberg movies, and why other stuff.

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53 - Love Vs. Quentin's Topic

2013-02-15
Length: 1s

Boy Meets World is discussed and I have bad feelings about why I can still relate to the show. Also, Quentin opens up about loving girls he's never met and I open up about girls forever distracting me from other parts of life.

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52 - Aging Vs. The Sarcasties

2013-02-07
Length: 1s

Hear us celebrate The Sarcast's one year anniversary in this episode where we lament entering old age (AKA, our mid-twenties), figure out why MILFs/DILFs are liked, and Quentin gives his awards for best things from the past year of the show.

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51 - Batman Vs. Netflix

2013-01-31
Length: 1s

One of the most beloved superheroes and one of the most controversial video streaming services get the Sarcast treatment in this episode. Find out why ladies like Batman as much as guys and reminisce about the failure that was Neflix's Quikster service.

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50 - Pedophilia Vs. Romanian Chick

2013-01-24
Length: 1s

Check out this special episode where Quentin tells us about the first girl he ever loved and I talk about pedophilia as an excuse to once again bring up why my girlfriend dumped me. Among other things, find out why Ralph Nader thinks video games are pedophiles and why Quentin's girlfriend may or may not have killed some people.

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49 - "Retard" Vs. Lena Dunham

2013-01-17
Length: 1s

This one's a jam-packed episode. We got Quentin's thing of the week, the controversial word "retard," and the yet more controversial writer Lena Dunham. No, Lena Dunham is not on the show (we just talk about her) but I'm hoping you didn't read this far to figure that out.

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48 - Robots Vs. The Cold

2013-01-10
Length: 1s

Listen in and find out how The Sarcast is great for my career, why real robots suck, and why a boner is good when braving the cold.

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47 - New Year's Resolutions Vs. Chivalry

2013-01-03
Length: 1s

We talk about not only our New Year's resolutions but also some of the most common resolutions people make (which I rate on a scale of cat to puppy). Then we give our takes on chivalry--what is it, why does it happen, and what makes it stupid as fuck?

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46 - Last Week's Show Vs. News

2012-12-27
Length: 1s

Ah yeah, yet another episode that goes longer than we planned. Get nostalgic about last week's episode of The Sarcast when I tell you what moments were overlooked and my thoughts on how the topics went. Then get Quentin's thing of the week which I hijacked for my own purposes. Also, the topic of the news with no mention of actual current news.

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44 - Wiener penises Vs. Belts

2012-12-13
Length: 1s

All the penis, belt, and dating talk could not fit into a normal episode so this is a super-deluxe extended edition of The Sarcast. Hear about my latest date, the history of the penis, the top 5 uses for belts, Quentin's sexcapades, penis, penis, and penis.

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43 - Bedrooms Vs. Doomsday

2012-12-06
Length: 1s

Hear about our bedroom histories and get a sneak peak at what to look forward to during the coming Mayan apocalypse.

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42 - Cannibalism Vs. Twitter Wars

2012-11-29
Length: 1s

Based on popular demand, we tackle the touchy subject of eating each other. Find out about some famous cannibals and what would make us eat people. Then learn about some recent celebrity Twitter feuds and what to think of this Chris Brown character.

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41 Kanye West Vs. Habits

2012-11-23
Length: 1s

In this episode, find out whether my dating curse has been lifted, what kind of person Kanye West is, and why cracking your knuckles is like having an orgasm. Also, I practice my rapping skills.

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40 - Sweaters Vs. the Internet

2012-11-15
Length: 1s

After some listener feedback, I go over my latest effort to fill the never-ending hole surrounding my soul (that is, I went on another date). Then Quentin brings up the internet, giving his favorite internet moments and other fun stuff. Then something about sweaters.

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39 - Alcoholic Beverages Vs. Pee

2012-11-08
Length: 1s

We discuss two of the world's most fascinating liquids. Hear about some of our drunken experiences, how I got over bedwetting, and what it's like to pee in the shower.

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38 - Pencils Vs. the Moon

2012-11-02
Length: 1s

We talk about why the pencil is one of the best inventions, who made the first pencil, what a pencil war is, etc. Then it's all about the moon of course when Quentin tells us about its origin, why some people think no one ever landed on the moon, werewolves, mooning, etc., etc., et cetera.

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37 - Embarrassment Vs. Crushes

2012-10-25
Length: 1s

We talk about our most embarrassing  moments which include being naked, tripping, and looking stupid in front of girls (but not all those at the same time). Then I review most of the crushes I've had in my life and I go over my "genius" plan to get girls to notice me when I was a kid.

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36 - Halloween Vs. Girls (Vol. 1, Part 2)

2012-10-18
Length: 1s

In this spooktacular episode, get into the Halloween spirit by hearing us talk about... Halloween. Find out what not to dress up as this year and learn what's more dangerous than razors in your candy. Then Quentin continues his series on girls--this time explaining the mysteries behind why people like models and why women don't like to get paid as much as men.

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35 - Britney Spears Vs. Curse Words

2012-10-12
Length: 1s

A pop sensation vs. offensive language. Get a Britney Spears retrospective and get our takes on the best fictional curse words, censorship, and the No Cussing Club.

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34 - Creationism Vs. TV is My Parents

2012-10-04
Length: 1s

We take a fair and balanced approach to presenting both sides of the evolution/creation tards debate. Learn why monkeys decided to evolve into us and how all of creation must have been created because we call it "creation." Then hear how Quentin was raised by his television, what black shows we watched as kids, and which U.S. presidential candidate wants to kill Big Bird.

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33 - Peanut Butter Vs. Boobies

2012-09-27
Length: 1s

On today's episode: something we love to put in our mouths vs. something we love to put in our mouths. Learn about the many uses for peanut butter and for boobies, get our takes on many booby controversies, and find out why I got more turned on during the peanut butter segment than I did the booby segment.

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32 - Nerds Vs. Fear

2012-09-20
Length: 1s

Where did the "nerd" word come from? Who are some surprising nerds from history? Can hot women be nerds? What are our biggest fears? Can spider aliens also be zombies? Why do I want to suck milk from a woman's nipple? All these questions and more answered in this week's Sarcast.

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31 - Macaulay Culkin Vs. Vegetarianism

2012-09-13
Length: 1s

Find out if Quentin is still a virgin!

If that's not exciting enough, learn about the great thespian Macaulay Culkin and what he's been up to since his role as Mila Kunis's fuck toy. Then we shift gears and I tell you about vegetarianism and we make jokes and stuff.

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30 - Getting Hit in the Nuts Vs. Quentin's First Date

2012-09-07
Length: 1s

We discuss testicular trauma, why it sucks, and who deserves it happening. Then Quentin describes his first date with a girl and it was basically the opposite of getting hit in the nuts.

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29 - Quentin in Seattle Vs. Friendship

2012-08-31
Length: 1s

Quentin talks about watching whales in Seattle but for some reason not riding them. I teach you the importance of making friends, what a facebook is, and whether or not Gayle and Oprah are totally gay with each other.

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28 - Envy Vs. Who is Chris?

2012-08-23
Length: 1s

What is envy?  Is it jealousy or something more? It turns out we're not sure even though we probably experience too often. Find out who we are (and are not) envious of in this episode. Then get inside my head as Quentin asks me some hard-hitting questions such as "which animal would you like to be?"

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27 - Dads Vs. Suicide

2012-08-16
Length: 1s

In this cheery episode, hear about our crappy relationships with our fathers and find out the best and worst ways to kill oneself. Plus, Quentin goes over the worst fathers who aren't his own and I read my fake suicide note.

Also, super updates on my love life and my pedophilia!

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26 - Puppies in a Basket Vs. Conan O'Brien

2012-08-09
Length: 1s

I go over how The Sarcast ruined my life. Then we briefly discuss two very cute things: baskets of puppies and Conan O'Brien.

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25 - Gymnastics Vs. Abortion

2012-08-02
Length: 1s

Find out why Quentin loves female gymnastics and why it's okay to kill babies under a number of different circumstances. I also go over all the different views on abortion and tell you where they're wrong. Whether you're pro life or pro choice, you're guaranteed to be offended by this episode.

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24 - Chocolate Vs. Canadians

2012-07-26
Length: 1s

It's everybody's favorite candy vs. everybody's favorite nationality. We briefly discuss the 3000 year history of chocolate before I go over my list of best things made better with chocolate. Then we settle the age-old debate of milk chocolate vs. dark chocolate vs. white chocolate before getting into Quentin's Canadian topic. Find out who his favorite Canadians are and what Canadian comedian makes up for Nickelback coming from Canada.

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23 - Stealing Vs. Nothing

2012-07-19
Length: 1s

Hear us contemplate the ethics of thievery as well as the ethics of making someone exist. It's stealing vs. nothing (not no topic but the concept of nothing). Learn what (if anything) we have stolen, why it's hard to divide by zero, and how the universe could have come from nothing (although you should probably read Lawrence Krauss to really begin to learn that last one).

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22 - Wii Vs. Women in Video Games Vs. Frank Ocean

2012-07-13
Length: 1s

We discuss the Nintendo Wii, the female tropes of video game characters, and the implications of R&B artist Frank Ocean coming out as bisexual. Listen and learn what the 5 best Wii games are to play (according to my limited experience having played 5 Wii games). You'll also get some history and context on the console and you'll hear three straight males tell you what to think about females in games and gay people in R&B.

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21 - Tina Fey Vs. Board Games

2012-07-05
Length: 1s

We talk about games of the board variety and the famous person Tina Fey. Find out if Tina Fey can rap, learn what the worst board games are, and get our takes on some upcoming movies based on board games. Plus, some references to Animorphs for some reason.

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20 - Mothers Vs. Girls (Part 1, Vol. 1)

2012-06-28
Length: 1s

We talk about our experiences being mothered, including whether or not we lover our mothers and I explain why everyone is actually a mother fucker. Then Quentin begins his lengthy series on girls and we find out if women and/or Adam Carolla are funny. Plus, HBO's Girls and a special performance by Mr. T.

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19 - Pixar Vs. Zombies Vs. Writing

2012-06-21
Length: 1s

Quentin has us discuss Pixar and I point out their movies' gay undertones. Then David brings up zombies and I point out some of their gay undertones. Then I have us talk about writing and I read some of my poetry as well as a misunderstood piece I wrote in grade school.

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18 - The Quote Show

2012-06-14
Length: 56s

I had to take a "me" day so this is a special episode we recorded before The Sarcast even existed. In it, we're all about reading and discussing famous quotes from great thinkers like Cicero and Ellen DeGeneres. Among many silly things, we learn what my theory on God is and whether or not Quentin is a hipster.

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17 - Quentin Interview Vs. Relaxation

2012-06-07
Length: 1s

In this episode, I get to interview one of my idols: my cohost Quentin. He talks about where he gets his inspiration, gives us his thoughts on life and love, and tells us how it's going. Then things get tense during a heated discussion about relaxation. Find out the best ways to relax and learn what body part I most like massaging.

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16 - M. Night Shyamalan Vs. Kissing

2012-05-31
Length: 1s

The first topic is about The Happening director M. Night Shyamalan. We make fun of him and his movies but also shine some light on him (the light then reveals that he is a bad human being). Later we talk about kissing and I give the world another look into my super secret diary. Plus, facts and tips for smooching!

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15 - Bathrooms Vs. Strippers

2012-05-24
Length: 1s

As a kid, the bathroom was a place of exploration and imagination. Now it is mainly a place of pee and poop. Hear us discuss some of the most important issues surrounding bathrooms (which way should the toilet paper face?) and hear me stereotype women and their bathroom habits. Then Quentin tells us about his strip club experiences and I stereotype women about their male stripper habits.

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14 - Reading Vs. Cereal

2012-05-17
Length: 1s

Get ready to hop on the reading rainbow as we discuss what we read, how we read, and ways to get better at reading. Then prepare for the cereal rainbow with a story of Cap 'n' Crunch commitment and the best childhood cereals. Plus, we debate some hot-button issues surrounding cereal like soggy vs. crunchy.

A hearty non sarcastic thank you to HooplaNet for their kind words about us on their last episode. You can hear it at http://www.hooplanet.co.uk/2012/05/sarcast-england-seven

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13 - Elementary School Vs. High School

2012-05-10
Length: 1s

In this episode we reminisce about when things were simpler. Back to a time when I had the freedom to pee my pants.

What you'll hear (among other things): I tell you how I was tricked into my first kiss, Quentin gives his favorite high school moments (for good reason), and I read from my first diary in hopes that it's somehow less embarassing now (it's not).

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12 - Phones Vs. Animals

2012-05-03
Length: 1s

Quentin thinks he likes phones but it's really just because he likes girls and that is the main way he communicates with them. Hear about his best phone moments and some of his favorite phone-related lyrics in this episode (for some reason). Then we shift gears and discuss our histories with animals, the morality of eating meat vs. having pets, and three creepy animals.

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11 - Death Vs. Cuddling

2012-04-26
Length: 1s

Hear us have fun talking about dying and then stick around to hear a serious discussion about cuddling. You'll learn how much the death rate has improved, what animal might be immortal, who (and what) Quentin has cuddled with, and what your boyfriend's cuddle position tells you about him.

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10 - The Beach Vs. Social Anxiety

2012-04-19
Length: 1s

We talk about the beach and we talk about our experiences with social anxiety. Find out (among other things) why Quentin thinks sand is good for sex and how Chris's anxieties have made him wet in multiple ways.

Thanks for listening! If you like us, follow us on twitter @SarcastShow. If you follow us, like us on facebook at facebook.com/sarcastshow.

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9 - Pizza Vs. Nudity

2012-04-12
Length: 1s

Take your clothes off and eat pizza along with this episode where we discuss the classic Italian dish and ponder the implications of nudity. Find out where pizza came from, what the best and worst toppings are, and what naked woman was recently in Quentin's room.

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8 - Doctors Vs. The Lottery

2012-04-05
Length: 1s

On this show, get our sarcastic takes on a highly-skilled profession and a highly unskilled pass time. Find out about who the best fake doctors are and what things are actually ï»¿less likely than winning the recent Mega Millions jackpot. Plus: a Damon Wayans Jr. reference.

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7 - Spring Vs. Ghosts

2012-03-29
Length: 1s

One of the top 4 seasons and spooky appiritions are discussed in this episode. Learn about the Spring holiday known as White Day and find out who we'd cast in the next Ghostbusters movie.

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6 - Marriage Vs. Breakfast

2012-03-22
Length: 1s

A popular commitment ceremony and an important meal are the focus of this episode. Hear us make fun of short celebrity marriages and extol our favorite breakfast foods. Also: listener comments, a sandwich conflict, and Chris's cereal idea.

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5 - Procrastination Vs. Birthdays

2012-03-15
Length: 1s

Putting things off and celebrating not-dying are the subjects of this episode. Find out what the real cost of procrastination is and what some of our favorite birthday gifts have been. Also, other stuff

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4 - Sesame Street Vs. Love

2012-03-08
Length: 1s

A kids' show and one of the top 5 human emotions are discussed in this episode. We learn about Sesame Street's stance on rape and find out about Chris's crush on a ten year old girl... when he was also ten.

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3 - Sleep Vs. Penguins

2012-03-01
Length: 1s

Discover the exciting world of sleep and find out if Quentin has better luck with ladies in his dreams. Then learn about penguins and seriously consider whether or not they are that cute.

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02 - Underwear Vs. Adam Carolla

2012-02-22
Length: 1s

A famous comedian and a famouser item of clothing are this week's topics. Find out important statistics about who wears what underwear and why Adam Carolla is a master jibber jabberer. Also, listener feedback on the very first episode.

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1 - Virginity Vs. Myspace

2012-02-09
Length: 1s

Get to know your hosts as they discuss sexless existences and an ill-fated social network. Hear about famous virgins in history and ponder the future of Myspace.

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The Sarcast

The Sarcast is the only talk show hosted by a 25 year old virgin and a pedophile. For each of their weekly discussions, their one goal is to take things unseriously--two topics at a time (and maybe learn a few things along the way). Past episode topics include death, abortion, and peanut butter.

The Sarcast


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