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Last update: 2013-04-10

Episode 35 - Eggs and Bargain Buckets

2013-04-10
Length: 36s

Tim and Simon are back after a small break with a brand new full edition of Mentor! This time they cover topics from eggs, to labour, and the art of pretending you are listening. So plug your earphones in and get listening... You are listening, right?... Oh, you're just pretending?... See?! They're that good.

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How To: Perfect the Art of Kissing

2013-03-29
Length: 7s

Ever seen someone and thought, "oooh, I would love to do a kiss on them, but I just don't know how to do it properly"? Thankfully, you can now learn how to do it perfectly, as Simon guides you through the first How To.

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Episode 34 - Waving and Licking

2013-02-27
Length: 34s

The last episode before going on a slight hiatus for a month or so whilst Tim becomes a dad, legitimately we should add. Before they go, the two Salopians cure boredom, create a horrific animal human hybrid and play lick bingo. Also, before they're gone they also give you a few jokes to share with your friends. Enjoy.

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Episode 33 - Copping Off and Balling

2013-02-06
Length: 34s

What would it be like if you had taste buds all over your body? It would be very tasty! Much like this addition of Mentor! Once Tim and Simon stop playing games on their phones they crack on with some really fascinating and insightful advice... not. Yeah, that's right. We did just use a 'not joke' in the description. And yes, we are sorry.

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Episode 32 - Freebies and Toothpaste

2013-01-23
Length: 32s

Tim and Simon help a man become Laura Robson's tennis coach, another man become a gangster and a woman become Jesus. One of these is clearly impossible - they have no way of contacting Laura Robson. That of course is a lie, Tim and Simon will solve any problem they are given and do so with more pizzazz than Domino's.

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Episode 31 - Funnels and Drills

2013-01-09
Length: 32s

It was only a matter of time, 31 episodes to be exact, before a man asked Tim and Simon to increase the size of his member. They try their best, they really do, but what it comes down to is how much the mentoree wants to achieve their penis related goal. They help a man become a whale, a woman get a boyfriend and discover some rather interesting properties of Marmite.

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Episode 30 - Baffles and Christmas

2012-12-20
Length: 29s

Tim and Simon this week guide you through a variety of Christmas issues including selfish present shopping, covering shifts and achieving gluttony. Learn when you should get your grope eyes out, what to sing this Christmas, and why you should fill Uncle Phil with a baffle. Meanwhile, they stretch their mentoring abilities to the limit as they employ their secret idea to prevent the end of the world. You're welcome.

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Episode 29 - Love Songs and Helicopters

2012-12-05
Length: 29s

One of the most awkward questions a parent has to answer is one that involves the 'coming to be' of babies. Don't worry, your mentor Tim and Simon have the answer and it lies within the mysterious world of cheeky sparkles. Learn about quitting, writing love songs and how to get a dog in a jeep in the newest episode of the now bi-weekly advice podcast.

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Episode 28 - Robots and Revenge

2012-11-21
Length: 31s

This Mentor! episode features the answers the to questions on everybody's lips. What is on the other side of the mirror? Which robot is the sexiest? And just how do you milk a Pierce Brosnan? No, the answers are NOT Michael Jackson, Wall-E and a Dyson. To find out the real answers you must click the download button now! Or now. Or, depending on whether you finish reading this, maybe now.

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Episode 27 - Suits and Laziness

2012-11-14
Length: 31s

Need to relax? Then what you need is a Tim and Simon designed relaxation suit. Don't mind the whale noises, they come as standard. Need to perk up? Then what you need is to make your own Tim and Simon: Mentor! jingle, giving you the buzz necessary to go about your day. Either way, Tim and Simon have the answer in episode 27 of Mentor! 

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Episode 26 - Stretching and Cloning

2012-11-07
Length: 33s

How many racks do you know? Spice rack, clothes rack, Iraq are just a few; Tim and Simon know loads and will share them with you in episode 26 of Mentor!. In addition to this they help a couple spice up their sex life and fully explain the rules behind owning your own slave.

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Episode 25 - Grease and Squatters

2012-10-31
Length: 31s

If you want to get on the property ladder then you need to be fully acquainted with your squatters' rights. Tim and Simon fully understand these rules and will squat thrust them upon you in the 25th episode of Mentor! As well as this, they will explain what brown mail is and why a man heating something up on a teaspoon might not necessarily be a heroin user.

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Episode 24 - Pumpkins and HMTASYMOH

2012-10-24
Length: 29s

The demise of Ceefax has left one Mentor! listener very sad indeed, but fear not! Tim and Simon are on hand to recreate your favourite analogue text service. While they're at it, they help a woman emigrate to America and a man fight off hordes of sexy women. 

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Episode 23 - Diplomats and Cheese

2012-10-17
Length: 27s

Episode 23, which incidentally is the number that David Beckham likes to wear on his football shirt. Why is this relevant? It isn't. What is relevant is that Tim and Simon help a man escape alien capture, a man capture Santa Claus and a man capture a six pack. All this and more from life's favourite Mentor!

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Episode 22 - Ghosts and Tricks

2012-10-10
Length: 30s

"When the light flickers, remove those knickers": DJ Tim and DJ Simon are at your service to make your birthday party the bees knees, and when they're not shouting between records they help a girl save money for Vegas and introduce you to Harry Hoochdini.

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Episode 21 - Rocks and Tips

2012-10-03
Length: 30s

Just how big of a tip can Tim and Simon give you? Well, it's massive and definitely not attached to a phallus. Get yourself plugged in to this week's Mentor! where they help a woman lose 10 pounds, a man find true love and even get a question about sex... sort of.

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Episode 20 - Cats and Cucumbers

2012-09-26
Length: 28s

This week Tim and Simon help a boy stay awake during history, a man escape a slippery cavern and finally put to bed the rumours about their sexuality. Also, they get invited to an 18th birthday party which they will definitely attend as long as there is cake, jelly and booze.

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Episode 19 - The Sword and the Sharon Stone

2012-09-19
Length: 26s

This week Tim and Simon were both exceedingly tired, Tim had been up since 4am and Simon was full of a cold. The result? Well, they discuss violating a sheep with a barge pole, help a girl make friends with nudity and set up a world domination rota, but I don't think tiredness had anything to do with it. Enjoy.

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Episode 18 - Motivation and Melons

2012-09-12
Length: 25s

Tim and Simon are back with another episode of their advice wielding podcast Mentor! This time they improve a girl's health with robotics, explain the rules of "football" and help a man live until he's 52 using the old sets of 90s TV shows.

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Episode 17 - Survival and Stepladders

2012-08-08
Length: 29s

After 17 episodes of Mentor! Tim and Simon are getting better and better at dishing out the guidance and "helping" you achieve your goals. This week they plot to kill off dubstep, design a motorised step ladder and then go on to stop a dastardly sister from stealing her brother's toy cars. Or do they mean "stop her from steling"?…

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Episode 16 - Creativity and Lipreading

2012-08-01
Length: 25s

Helping you achieve goals and aspirations is what Tim and Simon do best and this edition of Mentor! is no different. This time around, the monsters of mirth chuck out the ideas faster than Arnie with a pump action shotgun. They design an app, establish a new business idea and even come up with a potentially award winning plot for a brand new saucy novel.

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Episode 15 - Pork and Divorce

2012-07-25
Length: 29s

Continuing the free-for-all mentoring, a wide variety of goals and aims are dealt with; Tim and Simon are quintessentially British, so they use this ability to help an American woman become more like a Brit - obviously involving pork pies and rain. As well as this, they take hayfever on head-on and they help a man through a divorce, involving a monkey.

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Episode 14 - Free For All

2012-07-19
Length: 26s

For a special edition of Mentor! Tim and Simon have decided to open their doors to absolutely anyone with a goal or aspiration. So whoever wants to beat Neil Armstrong to the moon or become a demonic metal prawn, can do! In this free-for-all episode, your mentor, Tim and Simon, also help a man get over his fear of Dave Benson-Phillips as well as giving tips on surviving a zombie apocalypse. Easy.

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Episode 13 - Envy

2012-07-11
Length: 29s

Envy is a trait that most of us possess, causing us to yearn for another man's ox, yearn for another lady's ukulele, or even yearn for another man's lady and her ukulele. Some see this as a flaw, as something that should be eradicated - yet to some, jealousy is a tool to be harnessed! In this episode, Tim and Simon guide a number of clients toward reaching their envious goals, be that to obtain a house, create the world's bestest sandwich, or to trick out a 1992 Ford Fiesta to the max and make it look well sweet. Innit.

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Episode 12 - Money

2012-07-04
Length: 26s

It's a sad fact of life that money makes the world go round, it gives people power, it takes away power and can provide you with pretty much anything you want. So what are its secrets? How do you get some? And more importantly, what do you do when you get it? These are just some of the money based themes that crop up over the course of this episode of Mentor! 'Why trust in Tim and Simon?' we hear you cry. Well 'why bloody not?' we say, they'll make less mess with your money that the world's current wan... bankers!

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Episode 11 - The Internet

2012-06-27
Length: 29s

The internet is vast and full of horrors and danger, which, if you are to truly get the most out of the experience, you shall have to overcome. This is why your mentor, Tim and Simon, has dedicated an episode of their "professional" advice giving podcast to that noble communication vehicle known as the internet. They help a man buy Facebook, do a bit of troll hunting and help a man deceive his wife with regards to his browsing history.

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Episode 10 - Food

2012-06-20
Length: 26s

Sample the culinary delights of Tim and Simon, as your Mentor! takes you by the hand and guides you through the assault course that is food! They help a girl prepare a cake for her sister, help a staffordshire man get over his longing for oatcakes and reveal why one man's cooking always turns out green. So grab yourself a podcast picnic and stuff your fat face until you're bursting at the seams with audio fodder.

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Episode 9 - Fashion

2012-06-14
Length: 30s

Look at him, he's cool, smart and sophisticated, I know this because he is dressed like a cool, smart and sophisticated guy. Where did he get such an astute fashion sense? Clearly Tim and Simon stepped in and mentored him, from a fashion dog to a fashion god! They must be good, listen in amazement as these two fashionistas help a man dress for a ball, a woman look smart at work and a larger man pull off skinny jeans.

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Episode 8 - Greed

2012-06-06
Length: 30s

If the thought of bacon makes your tongue twitch and your mouth slobber then you are probably a greedy pig! A greedy pig with cannibalistic tendencies, but a greedy pig all the same. Fear not you greedy son of a gun, Tim and Simon are on hand to help you with their ham-fisted greed based advice in their comedy podcasting vessel, Mentor! This time they help a man obsessed with Haribo and a self-professed greedy bitch who wants it all and wants it now! As an added bonus, a B. L. Meredith produced T-Bar and Fizzy Drizzle hit is included!

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Episode 7 - DIY

2012-05-16
Length: 27s

The Queen's Jubilee means a two day holiday for the people of the UK and that can only lead to one thing: DIY. But we're not just talking house maintenance; we're talking otter dispensers, world conquering and chart dominating Do-It-Yourself goodness, courtesy of Tim and Simon. There's one thing you should definitely do yourself: download this podcast!

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Episode 6 - Anger

2012-05-09
Length: 24s

Your blood pressure increases, you get the shakes and you have the uncontrollable urge to smash everything in your path. What you're experiencing is anger. This time round Tim and Simon focus their attentions on anger management as they mentor a grammar grouch, calm a parent with very rude children and help a girl who hates being ignored.

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Episode 5 - Health and Fitness

2012-05-03
Length: 22s

One of the key rules of life is that you only get one body, unless you're Robocop, so do make sure you maintain and optimize it for ultimate performance. If body conditioning isn't your thing, then fear not, for it is most definitely Tim and Simon's thing. Welcome to Mentor! session five, focussing on Health and Fitness - dealing with gun shows, deadly football, boobs and more!

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Episode 4 - Pets

2012-04-26
Length: 23s

Our furry, feathered and hooved friends are always by our side, they're our friends, family and in some rare occasions, even our lovers. It's for these reasons that Tim and Simon offered up their mentoring service to help you with your pets! They help a lady get a pet, a man stifle the smell of a pet and aid in in the beauty of a pet.

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Episode 3 - Fears

2012-04-19
Length: 24s

Fears can hinder, prevent and paralyze you from getting on with your life. That's why Tim and Simon felt they HAD to do something, and dedicated this week's mentoring session to overcoming your fears. Listen in amazement as they cure a gent of his fear of ventriloquist dummies, help a lady return to the circus and provide valuable information should you think snails are creepy.

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Episode 2 - Relationships

2012-04-12
Length: 24s

In this session, Tim and Simon tackle relationships with the usual mixture of zest, vigour, and love parps. Amongst the plethora of advice this week, they marry off Benedict Cumberbatch, help stop a man humming offensive tunes and spice up a hen do with the Tim and Simon two-pronged attack.

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Episode 1 - Careers

2012-04-04
Length: 24s

Tim and Simon's new mentoring service is up and running and welcomes several mentorees into their open arms to help them achieve work related goals. They send a man into space, train an amateur gynaecologist and help a woman sex a chicken. Please remember that any advice given by Tim and Simon should be taken with a pinch of salt, for flavour. Oh and don't follow what they say, it's dangerous.

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Tim and Simon: Mentor!

Tim and Simon provide you with a mentoring service, helping you achieve goals, realise dreams, and overcome problems. Should you require Tim and Simon: Mentor!, email podcast@timandsimon.co.uk. Caution: all advice is purely for purposes of mirth, and is not to be taken literally.

Tim and Simon: Mentor!


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